Advertisement: Oreo Cookie Mega Stuff

Hello daters on the prowl! Bear with us at the F'n Rad Dating Site while we sort through our numerous dating applications, which are hot and heavy at the moment! Until we present you with a new potential dater, please enjoy this word from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...

Horse for Sale:  B.S. Investments' Oreo Cookie Mega Stuff

Oreo Cookie Mega Stuff, or "Mega," as we call him at the barn, is a  5yo,14.2 hand, Morgan/Appaloosa/Warmblood stallion cross who was recently shipped in from overseas. In his past endeavors, Mega participated in the Royal Windsor Horse Show, as well as the London International Horse Show, placing in the top three. Although he's known for the speed of his trot over long distances, as well as the scope of his jump, Mega can tackle a canter pirouette with the best of any dressage test. An extremely social horse, Mega prefers to sleep in groups, and he will make a fine addition to any field or paddock. Although his skin is more delicate, and his bones are more fragile than the average horse, Mega has been known to carry a rider of any weight. He's a "kick and go" type of horse with a fast and easy gait, no rider experience necessary, but sometimes, due to his camouflage, it is difficult to find him amongst the rest of the herd. For this reason, Mega's been trained to answer to the wild, frantic, high-pitched yell:  "Come home, COOKIE!" Scream that like a hyena, and he'll come running back to the barn every time. Mega has excellent hearing and eyesight, and he can run at speeds of up to 35 miles per hour; he also has a powerful kick that can cause serious injury to a predator, like a raccoon, a possum, a lion, or an African wild dog, if you come upon any such pest at the stable. No farrier necessary. Mega's hard hooves are designed to withstand the impact of his body weight, as well as the dangers of any rocky terrain. 

For more information on B.S. Investments' Oreo Cookie Mega Stuff, please contact our 30-year veteran trainer, Priscilla Isabel Soundbury at 543-MEGA.

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

SweatItOut987

 Letter from potential dater, SweatItOut987, to the F'n Rad Dating Site...

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

Hello, F’n Rad daters! I admit I haven’t been dating much, due to my recent health problems. Currently, I have a rather large boil on my testicle, but I popped it, so I don't think it's infected. Here’s a picture I posted to Facebook in order to get some feedback. I’d like your opinion on it...



Age: 45
Gender: Male
Body type: gaunt
Hair: bald, due to a bout of psoriasis

Looking for: a sterile person. I also have a flu/covid/ear infection or something, as well as a torticollis of the neck, and so it may be difficult for me to turn my head and kiss you, but I will try! I would love to date if I weren’t so sick. The last time I got really sick like this was back in 2000. That's why I'm so incredibly stubborn when it comes to getting ill. I hate resting, but this one has taken me out. Now, I would visit the doctor, but I feel that social media is a better reference, and when it comes to this stuff, you and your body are on your own. But if you get sick, and we’re dating, my advice is to sweat it out.

Interested in: did I just hear you cough? You need rest, then you’ll feel better after you watch another movie. OH, I’ve had what you have. Better make sure you’re on an antibiotic. You should call someone to take a look at that! I’m on Flonase, but whatever you do, don’t use Afrin, because that’s addictive. My doc is great. You should call her. Mucinex works. You should try that. Or maybe not, you're already on some stuff, I dunno. Use that saline spray. That'll help your throat. Your eyes look red too. Back a few years ago, I had conjunctivitis once! My eye was seeping out and disgusting. It was like pouring out. Sounds like a BAD one. How’s about an ear candle? You ever tried that? I love those things. They're so cool. I don't know if they work, but they're cool. You're fine. You're getting better. Give it some time. Oh, man, you should call the doctor. I know you're not good at it at all, but maybe you should take it easy. Oh, I've had that before, it's BAD. Oh my god, I think I'm getting that too! It’s going around. Everyone at the office has it. I think my boss is still coughing, and I think he has the same thing, but he's two days ahead of you, I think. My Mom's been dealing with that all month. Make sure you eat. You gotta eat. Do you have a fever? How high? Try that neti pot. Do you have one? I don't have one, but I hear they work great. It's all connected up there...it's all just mucous. This could be life-shattering, and you’ll probably need surgery, but I have a strategy for you if you’re interested. Whether you are dealing with allergies or a heart attack, Epsom salts should do the trick.

STAND BACK! INCOMING!!

Did your ears just pop? Mine did. I also have an inverted nipple. I think I’ll hit the google search and Web MD. Wonder why my left hand isn’t working. And it seems as if there is blood pouring out of my right eye. Wonder what that means.

Can’t wait to spoon! With gloves on! See you soon! Can't wait to make love wearing plastic! <3
SweatItOut987

-- C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: Serene Moondancer

Hi daters! When we received the letter from IAMBobbieH2O yesterday, we were not aware of what the consequences might prove to be. It seems that while he was sending his profile to us at the F'n Rad Dating Site, Bobbie was slightly distracted at Bobo Breeze Indoor Water Park! when he was supposed to be lifeguarding children. Unfortunately, as a result, we have come into some slight legal trouble. Until we can sort out the details, please bear with us as we send you a word from our sponsor, B.S. Investments. Thank you for your patience. Sincerely, the F'n Rad Dating Site. And now, a word from our sponsor...

Horse for Sale:  B.S. Investments' Serene Moondancer

Serene Moondancer, or "Moon," as we call him at the barn, after earning the title of "United States Equestrian Team Horse of the Year," Moon showed on the A-circuit hunter/jumper level for 10 years, qualifying for Nationals, easily winning the Maclay Medal finals 5 years in a row. Proving himself as the perfect equitation horse on the planet, in addition, Moon is as calm and collected as they come, appropriate to use for walk/trot, crosspole, lead line, and beginner lessons. A smooth, mature ride, he has known success in every equestrian discipline, from barrel racing to intercollegiate to short stirrup. In 2010, once again, he galloped into stardom when he won the Kentucky Derby with lengths to spare. A mere short time later, he trotted his way through elite Saddlebred classes, moving on to become a Dressage legend. Although he has been gelded since his time on the track, Moon still prefers the ladies, and he would make a perfect trail horse for any aspiring, wealthy, retired owner who enjoys carrying a flask inside her hunt coat. As versatile as they come, Moon requires no turnout, as he is accustomed to the stall life 24/7. Over the years, during his endless time inside, he has learned to only poop and pee in one small corner of the stall, which makes for an easy clean. Although he cribs and kicks the barn walls so much that we had to renovate half of the stable, in hindsight, we realized it really needed a new look. Once, he escaped and adeptly kicked out the automatic watering system in every stall, causing a flash flood and the death of 3 cats, but it washed our aisles, making them sparkle and shine...well...like the moon. Daily, while cooped up, Moon has been quite useful. Often, Moon takes out at least 10 barn rats with one swipe of his hoof.

Such a champion shouldn't be endangered by time outside in the field. 

With the purchase of Moon, you'll also receive a free bucking strap, an autographed stick (which used to be a pitchfork before Moon grabbed a hold of it with his teeth and decimated it), and a full bottle of blood thinners, Ace, and other herbal tranquilizers to combat Moon's anxiety disorder, all designated legal prescriptions for horse sports.

If you are interested in Serene Moondancer, please contact our 20-year, veteran trainer, Priscilla Isabel Soundbury at 543-Moon.

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

IAMBobbieH2O

Letter from potential dater, IAMBobbieH2O, to the F’n Rad Dating Site...

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

Safety is my middle name. If YOU get in the way of my safety or the safety of one of these kids that have parents but are really MINE, we're done. You are no longer a part of my life if you mess with MY kids or the safety precautions necessary for my work. Just something I have to suffer through daily, a commitment of the job. And it won't change, so don't hope.

Anyway, I'm Bobbie, and I mostly like to stand.

I'm a lifeguard over at the Bobo Bird Breeze Indoor Water Park! I earned my whistle the other day, and I feel very at home here. There are many interesting people like me that work here. There's Pat, Chris, Charlie, and my best friend in the whole world, Chuck. I like Chuck the best because he knows who he is, and I aim to be that kind of person. We all do here. Chuck is the head lifeguard, and it takes MANY INTENSE TRAINING CLASSES to achieve his status and know who you really are. When he started here, he had to wear a life jacket, and he would only swim in the Lazy River or the 2'6" baby pool, and his name was Stacy.

Hang on, just getting used to the water this morning for work. Have to EASE in. Little chilly today. One should always allow the body time to adjust. Otherwise, a child could experience SHALLOW WATER BLACKOUT, NARCOSIS, AND OXYGEN TOXICITY, as well as IMPENDING COMA OR DEATH. Make sure to allow 30 minutes after eating before getting in the pools OR YOU MIGHT CHOKE ON YOUR OWN VOMIT OR LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR MUSCLE MEMORY AND DIE. I'm tougher than the children, because I practice for hours before work. I'm told by my coworkers that I would make a good polar bear, deep sea unknown fish, or megalodon.

Sorry, I'm a little distracted BY THE GOOSE BUMPS. Just adding in some HEAVY DUTY CHLORINE. We put so much chlorine in this pool, YOU’LL BE TASTING IT FOR DAYS if you go for a swim in here. Also works well for acne control. Good thing, too. Just about every kid around ILLEGALLY URINATES in this pool. Every now and then, straight sugar puke. Even saw one UNATTENDED TODDLER DEFACATE UNCONTROLLABLY in the baby pool once, but don't tell the parents because the parties are really expensive here. Hang on, let me take care of this IMPENDING HEALTH HAZARD. I must clean this wet Band-Aid and hair out of the drain.

Interests: CPR, Watching children, CENTERS FOR MISSING CHILDREN, fountains, tubes, pools, chemicals, ceramic mushrooms that shoot out water, plastic palm trees, watching sprinklers, family showers, RISK ASSESSMENTS, cheez pizza, MAINTENANCE OF PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT, vanilla bean ice cream, birthdays, FIRST AID KITS, twirling my whistle, wearing suits with shorts, scuba diving, diving in general, goggles, HEALTH AND WELFARE, enjoying 80 degree weather all year round, RED CROSS SAFETY CLASSES, shopping at DICKS Sporting Goods, AMERICAS MOST WANTED, football, baseball, field hockey, POISON CONTROL, women's olympic swimming and sometimes men's, FIRE AND EMERGENCY PROTOCOL, synchronized swimming, HEIMLICH MANEUVER, mermaids and mermen, cartoons with mermaids and mermen, MOUTH TO MOUTH, and drag shows at The Porthole down by the river.

Body Type: a li'l extra on the sides and the middle and legs and arms, although my legs are pretty muscular from standing. Chuck tells me I'm as wide as I am tall, and I like to be consistent with that, so I work at by eating as much pizza and ice cream and cake as I can whenever the kids have a birthday party here, which is every day or so. Just one of the perks of the job.

Eyes: brown, SLIGHTLY TAINTED and bloodshot from this water. I'm actually not sure what's in this water, but there's no bacteria, because nothing could live in this water. Absolutely nothing. IF YOU JUMP IN TOO SOON, THINK SILENCE OF THE LAMBS WHEN HANNIBAL ESCAPES BY CHOPPING OFF THE GUY’S ENTIRE FACE.

Smoke/Drink: I WOULD NEVER WANT TO COMPROMISE THE SAFETY OF MY CHILDREN.

Looking for: I am looking for someone like Chuck, who knows what they want, although I'm not sure I want someone named Chuck. Perhaps I would like someone named Jo or even someone with a one letter name like E or M or something more subtle. Someone who looks nice in a bikini and/or trunks. I don't have any tattoos but when adults swim at Bobo Bird!, I become very excited and comment on their tattoos when I'm bored. And especially if they are attractive people, but I only do this if no kids are waiting to ride the slides, because I have to make sure the light is green when kids enter the tubes. RED LIGHT, NO GO. I REPEAT, WAIT FOR THE GREEN OR YOU COULD SLIDE SIDEWAYS ON THE TUBE AND NEED TO HAVE YOUR LEGS AMPUTATED. I SAW SOMEONE LOSE A FOOT TO THE YELLOW LIGHT.

ONLY THE GREEN LIGHT ON THE SLIDES. DEATH IS ON THE LINE HERE.

Occupation: Lifeguard at Bobo Bird Breeze Indoor Water Park!

Age: 20ish

Gender: Male-ish

Kids: Not sure if I can, due to an accident that happened on Bobo Bird! Jungle Jim during the Hose Fest! last year.

Hair: Brown, short, sticks straight up. I love waterproof hair wax.

Interested in: Yes. I've been single a really long time, actually, my whole life. I have many diverse friends, so I'm not depressed, but it would be nice to have a significant other person who is short, tall, heavy, slim, or medium, although I think a person with thin legs and a nice size chest and a large back would work best in case I need help rescuing anyone. Someone with a rescue dog would be welcome. GIVE ME TIME TO WARM UP AFTER I GET OUT OF THE POOL. OTHERWISE, SHRINKAGE.

Thank you so much for reading my profile. Well, before the families arrive, I have to go see if I can hang from that netting cross the lily pad pond today without falling in! I have faith I can do it today. Yesterday, I fell in and did a sort of loud cannonball and Chuck was texting, but when he was done texting he really laughed.

Come visit Bobo Bird Breeze! I'll give you a free three-hour wristband; however, delays might happen if we're dating. Just one of the TOUGH AND DANGEROUS aspects of my job. Wanted to be up front about that. There may be days, nights, even weeks of disappointment for my lovers, due to time spent saving Bobo Bird's! childREN IN NEED. IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS AND ENTER THE POOLS TOO SOON, THE CHEMICALS COULD MELT YOUR SKIN OFF LIKE NICOLAS CAGE IN FACE-OFF HOLY SHIT I LOVE THAT MOVIE BUT MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER LOSE THEIR FACES WHILE I’M ON DUTY.

GOTTA RUN! I THINK I HEAR A DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP!

IAMBobbieH2O

-- C.A. MacConnell