Letter of Resignation

Note from the author, C.A. MacConnell:  this is actually from my comedy archives...I just thought it might be a funny way to end on this comedy site for the time being while I take a brief hiatus from blogging so that I can focus on my next book. In the meantime, I hope you can check out the rest of the characters on here as well, as I work hard on the voices, as random and ridiculous as some of them are. It takes a lot of time to settle back and grab a hold of these voices, but it's all practice for me, so I roll with it. I admit that many of the writings had me laughing to tears. :) Hope you have a beautiful day, and hope I can make you laugh too, that is all! Love to you, C.A.

At the F’n Rad Dating Site, we understand that there is a time in every dater’s life when he/she/they must change jobs in order to join a mate to cohabitate in another locale, and we encourage such choice maneuvers! When resigning from the work force, one must always leave in an appropriate manner. When it was time for our potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222, to move on from her current position, she decided to share her smooth transition with us. Here is a transcript, a perfect example of a proper resignation letter, sent to us directly from our potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222. Read and learn…

Suitable letter of resignation example, sent to the F’n Rad Dating Site, from potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222

2/17/23

Pegasus Car Wash
cc: Monster, Indeed, LinkedIn, F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear Pegasus Car Wash (that’s right, YOU, you beady-eyed prick, the person in charge who schedules me and wears the baseball cap with the fucking wings on it. When I say “prick,” I mean that in the nicest sense of the word):

I know where you live, and if you get toilet papered here soon, well, it wasn’t me; however, if you happen to receive an overnighted, unmarked box full of elephant shit, that was definitely me. Just wanted to be clear. In the workplace, I'm all about being professional and providing people with clarity, especially when it involves a special delivery order of super-sized crap.

It's important to share feelings.

Also, I'm writing to announce my formal resignation from Pegasus Car Wash, effective -- not two weeks -- but two seconds from this date. This is my official notification. In fact, by the time that you find this letter, I will already be gone. Repeat after me…Bye bye, Bye bye. Bye by bye bye bye bye bye bye by bye bbbbbb bbyyyyyyeeeee bybybybybybyby bybybybybyby bybybyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Seeya, wouldn’t wanna be ya. Later when you’re greater. Me gone. Like magic! I have vanished from your life completely. Poof. Let me be really, super-duper clear here: Ba-Bye. Bye, bye, baby, bye bye.

Actually, before you even notice this letter, I will be gone, because I am never coming back, never ever, not even to wash my car, and I will tell all other people I meet to never ever visit Pegasus. In addition, I will send out emails and fliers to people everywhere encouraging them to visit Lucky Waves Car Wash instead, because we all know they're cheaper, and they have a better variety of car fresheners that hang from the mirror. They even have the dolphin one that smells like Spring Ocean California Breeze! And you don’t, green-bean-diarrhea-for-brains, let’s face it. You lie and tell people it's out of stock, but you don’t have it, you lying sack of shit who only wears dirty sweatpants that literally make you look like a sack of shit. Now, don’t get mad – many people look like a sack of shit. I mean, on the Sack of Shit planet, you would totally fit right in.

No hard feelings, I’m just stating the obvious.

Now, let’s get real here…Lucky Waves has a Chicklets machine that actually works. Now, if it were me, and I were going to choose a car wash, that last statement would make my choice a no-brainer. Now that I’m leaving Pegasus, I can tell you that your gum choices and your clothing choice and your mean, unbelievably inaccurate scheduling emails suck balls.

Sure, I was a mere freelance worker, and you only called me in when you needed an extra Vacuum Suction Girl, but I still wanted to be thorough in my professional dealings with you and explain why I'm leaving in a kind and loving way. Here goes. I would like to give you a suggestion: take that Pegasus winged hat of yours and fly, motherfucker, fly, because you’ll need to now that I’m gone. You’re gonna be one Vacuuming Bitch for a little while. I know that I was supposed to work a shift today, but I didn’t show out of thoughts of you. See, I couldn’t find the right clothes to cover up my tattoos, and I couldn’t get the nose ring out, so I figured you wouldn’t want me coming in like that, because I've had to hide all that shit the whole time I’ve been working there, so as not to scare the high quality clients, even though the lady who works the front counter has a pierced cheek, and you let that slide because she’s totally banging you, we all know it, which is interesting and ironic, but it also makes me realize that you are a complete asshole and not to mention, your face looks like a possum, and when you dyed your hair blond it looked like snot, and so I decided I needed a change in my environment. Now, don’t take that asshole thing personally. Or the snot thing. I am just being completely open and honest with you here.

I think it’s good to get it all out on the table. I’m all about serenity and being free. I pray for you daily.

This was not an easy decision to make on my part. I cried for months. I mean, I really cried. I went to therapy, and I’ve enclosed my therapy bill as well, because I feel that Pegasus should cover the difference. I know that the bill doesn’t look like it’s coming from a therapist, because it’s on loose leaf and handwritten, but I wanted you to have the raw copy straight from my therapist’s handwriting, as I think that’s appropriate. Please pay up. Cash is best.

On a positive note, however, the past three months of Pegasus work have been very rewarding. I’ve been able to drink a shit-ton of free coffee, bum a lot of cigarettes, and I even hooked up with a few other workers, which was smokin'. Let me say that there’s more than one use for those vacuums. I totally enjoyed this part of working for you and working with a very successful (and very promiscuous) team. The tips were great!

Thank you for the opportunities for growth – the constant harassment, for talking down to me, and for all of the other amazing spiritual soul lessons that you have provided me. By the way, your blond wife can stop sending me scheduling emails now too. They make no sense, and I seriously could do a better job. Also, tell her she looks like Mrs. Possum and tell her that we can all see her wormy mustache. Dayum, get you some wax, girl. Or let the fucker grow and just be your Tom Selleck self. All I’m saying is this…make a decision, one way or the other.

Thanks so much for expanding my horizons. I actually got to work as a towel drier girl for a while, and that was a good day until lunch, when you had me change jobs and move to stand right in the middle of the car wash wearing a rain coat and six-foot-tall wings to act like a funny puppet for the kids in the cars, which was very scary and very cold, although I was quite good at it, you have to admit.

Well, Possum Face, I wish you and the rest of the people at Pegasus all the best. I hope I never, ever see you again, but I would like to use you as a reference if possible, so just let me know -- that would be super. Hey, I just meditated and decided that I wish you and the rest of the crazy bitches there much success in the future.

Best,
FlyMFPegasus222

-- C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: Geronimo's Dream

In honor of Valentine's Day, our daters are out in the world on the prowl, and we'll share numerous success stories with you soon. At the moment, we're so busy tracking daters and sifting through the millions of Bios we've received, we must take a brief hiatus. Please bear with us at the F'n Rad Dating Site, while we send you a word from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...



A message from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...

Horse For Sale: Geronimo's Dream

8 y.o., 17h gelding, dark bay Haflinger/Hanoverian/Clydesdale cross. The gem of the stable, B.S. Investments' Geronimo's Dream, or "Gerry," as we call him at the barn, is sired out of the famous Budweiser Clydesdale, Rosco P. Coltrane, who has enjoyed a plethora of roles in TV and Film. Not to be outdone by his father, Gerry has been successfully shown by an amateur rider in the Baby Greens, the Pre-Greens, and currently, in the 4'0" Regular Working Hunter on the A-circuit. A willing, striking beauty, he lives to jump, and he's currently on the Palm Beach jumper circuit in Florida, working his way to the Grand Prix, and eventually, the Olympic trials, but we would be glad to ship him out for interested clients. A veteran show horse, Gerry would make a wonderful Junior Hunter for any child, and his large size and willowy build make it cake for him to slowly manage courses with ease, due to his long stride that is akin to that of a gazelle. Although at first ride his trot and canter may feel slightly speedy, our riders have found that after adjusting, Gerry turns into an automatic, graceful smooth machine. A "kick and go" type of horse. Also, Gerry has a beautiful mane and tail, and he loves carrots. Although some of our fierce competitors have accused Gerry of measuring as a small pony or perhaps a miniature horse, the real truth is in the ribbons. Gerry has been Champion in every division since he began showing at age two. Easy to turn out, great ground manners, so well-trained, Gerry's fine with spending the night inside your house as well, and he will never dirty your carpet. Also, he enjoys baths, toys, Christmas, and sugar cubes. Please contact our 20-year veteran trainer Priscilla Isabel Soundbury for more information on Geronimo's Dream. Will provide more photos, as well as official Clydesdale lineage. 543-MINI.

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

SmoothieDontfme68

Letter from potential dater, SmoothieDontfme68, to the F'n Rad Dating Site

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

I’m feeling girly. If I had a favorite, you would be my favorite.

Wow, I would so love to be your best friend soul mate.

Well, hey U. How you doin? Hello out there slightly sexy and unattractive people! Howdy. Hi to all the straight and confused ladies! And newly divorced men who want to be friends! And people in between! Want to come over for a smoothie!???? Let’s fire up the blender. I’m hot for the strawberry banana! I made a special trip to get some wet, smooth yogurt for you. Hurry, it expires soon! Bring it on! But give me an hour so I can shave and put on invisible makeup and old, used sweatpants.

I miss you so much in the morning when it rains on Sundays.

Protein powder? What RU doing? :0 Last night, I was so scared you were in trouble! Are you OK? I worry about you some hours all the time. I like you sooooo much. <3 I could make the carrot one special for you and make some extra and put it in Tupperware for you to take home!

Guess what? A teddy bear was on sale at Target, and I picked it up for you, but I stuffed it in the back of the closet and saved it because I wasn’t sure if it was the right one. There could be moths. Maybe you should come check it out before it gets eaten!

Sometimes, I look for U.

Hey, remember when I wrote that on your FB last week? Did you smile? I was totally smiling when I wrote it! And touching myself, because I had an itch. What I meant was that I would like to be your friend and get to know you for many years forever and ever and then some. Ever see that movie, The Princess Bride? That's right, I will always come for you, and I will always be there for you when we’re watching the movie. Do you like mango? I sure do, on Wednesdays and Fridays. I will write you poetry, sing you songs, meet up with you, text you late into the night, and sit next to you same-siders at the restaurants, because I want to hang out with you, share popcorn, laugh about how it makes our tummys hurt, and you can tell me about when you had zits and got bullied, and I will put my arm around you. <3 😉

U are the love of my life so much of the time.

Man, I would totally love to get married someday, wouldn't you? But I’m not sure who that’ll be. :) Who's it gonna be for you? So fun to think about that, and I totally can’t wait! In the meantime, maybe we could go see some strippers together? Any gender, I don't care. Wouldn't that be funny? I’ve had goose bumps all day thinking about it.

Wow, if I were going to have sex with someone right now, the person would look so much like you.

If we were on a bus together, I would sit right next to you every single day. You could be my ultimate bus buddy, and I could tell you how I love you the most, and I could tell other people too! Let’s do laundry together! Let’s cut avocados and squish them and paint each other’s faces green and watch the blender go round and round and hold our ears and go hahaha when it's too loud. Let’s go see live music and look for smokin’ hot people. Let’s watch porn separately and tell each other all about it! Let’s order toys for each other! Let’s text late into the night, then go to sleep alone and maybe cry! I love that action. I'll give you something to hug. Come over! I have a special body pillow waiting for you.

Where have you been hiding?

Straight up orange juice? I bet you’re tough. I bet you can handle some rinds. Cool! What are you doing? I've been totally wondering what you're doing some evenings. Come over! We can have a party with pears and whipped cream, and then we can watch When Harry Met Sally, and then you can go home, and I can stay up for a while and…

Name: SmoothieDontfme68

Gender: Bigender, female at the moment. How you doing? I'm worried. I will be who you want me to be, and then I will be someone else if you want! Come over!

Hair: light brown, lighter in summer, sometimes darker, depending.

Height: Not sure. I was growing, then shrinking.

Build: leanish, sometimes bigger, depends on the season, and whether or not overdosing on nut butter, flaxseed meal, and granola

Interested in: I see myself with women, in my dreams, but oftentimes the boobs melt off. Come over! I also see myself with men in these visions, but sometimes they wear coconut bras. Let’s hang out! Where should we meet up? By the watermelons? Hey you, guess what? In the back of the fridge, I spy nectarines!

My nipples are hard. Wow, it’s cold.

Age: debatable, adopted

Occupation: currently interviewing, still mulling it all over, income fluctuating, depending on what’s fresh

Interests: Whatever U want to do, I’m game! My place! Tonight! Or whenever, if you can make it. I’m all about flexibility. Fruits and vegetables, thunderstorms, long walks, dreaming about you and talking to you out loud in my car. Love you so much nearly every second. Almost.

Spirituality: What's going on? You've been so quiet. I believe in you, man friends and girl friends. Cucumbers! Peaches!

Looking for: Sometimes, all people are juicy, but really, I am looking for my true love pen pal. You know, someone that will hang out with me and send me love letters, and I can write suggestive letters and emails in return. I would also like for us to hole up in my apartment for days and nights on end and watch a bunch of old movies, and we can sit on the couch and not touch and act awkward.

Kids: Wow, I don’t know, what do you think I should do about that situation? Can we meet up for coffee ASAP? I really need an ear. That baby thing kind of crept up on me. No more celery/beet combos for me.

Activities: I would really like your opinion on my new kitchen table. Also, I’m thinking about changing the tile in the bathroom, and I’d like you to see the samples, just for fun. I wonder what paint color you’d pick for the study?

Contact info: Call me, I'm so bored. Hey there, call me soon! I'm out of cherries, and I’m very, very concerned.

I would write more, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Are you in trouble? Let’s get into trouble together! We’ll be so bad. Wow, I’m so fucking horny. Are U? Call me! Let’s talk about it!

SmoothieDontfme68

-- C.A. MacConnell

MsBaristaGrindXO298

Letter from potential dater, MsBaristaGrindXO298, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Welcome. What can I get ya? Hurry gotta get to bed soon, up again at 2am, but saw MrBarista777 on your site…I’m a barista too…no SB tho, high end bakery, wanted to reach out…seems MrB&me had lots in common…don’t have time for date bio...gotta go waiter told me to make 3 lattes or fuck off…but here’s a transcript of my day… 

Customer: Hi! I've never been here before.
Barista (with a straight face): Cool.
Customer (grinning wildly): Well, I was just wondering what you would recommend?
Barista (rolling eyes): I dunno, I had a PB&J the other day that was pretty good. I mean, I made it myself with the leftover butt end of the bread when the cooks weren't looking.
Customer: Isn't that on the kids menu?
Barista: We don't have a kids menu, but if we did, it sure would be, yes. Man, I hate kids.
Customer (smiling nervously): Actually, looking at you, it's hard to tell if you're a kid or a woman.
Barista: Well, I know, I get that all the time since I'm small. Thanks a lot for treating me like I should be holding a Care Bear and blankie. So, glad you're here, the veggie burger is pretty good.
Customer (raising eyebrows): Well, okay, I'll try it I guess. What kind of bread is it on?
Barista: Buns. Big round buns. Best buns in the city. I love buns.
Customer: Uh, sounds good. I'll have it.
Barista: The burger or my buns?
Customer: Uh, the burger, with the bun.
Barista: Oh, man, I'm sorry, I'm not that kind of girl. My whore days are over. But that one over there is a real slut (pointing at a server).
Customer: Just give me the burger.
Barista: You mean plain? That's silly. It's not as good without the bun.
Customer (hands on hips): Well, I wanted the bun, but...
Barista: Settle down lady! I don't want to have to get Vice in here for sexual harassment.
Customer: This is ridiculous! Just give me a PB&J.
Barista: Oh, okay, back to that. Hm, let me just make sure we have some jam left. I dropped a teacup in the jar earlier and it smashed all over the place. I think I got all the glass out of it though.
Customer (sighing): I'm so hungry, just give me something. You have honey? I could have PB& honey?
Barista: Lady, I'll get you your sandwich, but I'm not your 'honey'. I mean, I think Shakira and Mary Stuart Masterson are hot, but it about ends there. Also, there's a girl upstairs that's smokin', but I think she's engaged.
Customer: Forget it, I'll just take one of these cutout cookies. I'm in a hurry.
Barista: I see you chose the Mardi Gras themed mask cookie. Interesting. Tells a lot.
Customer: Like what?
Barista: Well, some people like to wear masks. You know, to hide their true selves.
Customer: Listen, my sugar is low, and I'm shaking and would you just ring me up for the damn cookie?
Barista: Like I said, some people are really hiding some childhood fury. Not saying you, just saying some people.
Customer: Jesus, well, if you were going to pick a cookie, what would you pick?
Barista: The hot dog one for sure.
Customer: Why is that?
Barista: Isn't it obvious?
Customer: Oh.
Barista: Anyway, so you want the PB&J or the mask cookie? Are you immature or a liar?
Customer: What the hell!? I really wanted the veggie burger, but I think I'll just take this granola bar.
Barista: You sure? They might be kind of old.
Customer: Yes!!!! Would you just ring me up?
Barista: You just don't seem like the granola bar type of lady.
Customer: Why is that?
Barista: I dunno, your skin's kind of oily, so I thought you might like something greasier.
Customer: The nerve! How is it that you still work here?
Barista: Man, I hate kids.

MsBaristaGrindXO298

-- C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: Chet the Jet

More potential daters coming your way! Stay tuned. Please bear with us at the F'n Rad Dating Site while we send you an advertising message from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...

A message from our sponsor, B.S. Investments

Horse for Sale:  B.S. Investments' Chet the Jet

Chet the Jet. 4 y.o, 17.3h chestnut stallion, still growing, so sweet, as gentle as they come, top notch horse for sale. Perfect for all levels, great with beginners. (Picture of beginner lesson above). Doesn't take much leg, a real go-getter who prefers to gallop, makes it super easy. Would make a great Olympic jumper someday. Chet has beautiful ground manners, minus the occasional kick to the pelvis. Hasn't trailered or shown yet, but eager and ready to go -- chews on fence, rears up, and paws at the cement to let us know how excited he is. Slight problem with bridling, which involves an abscessed tooth. Will deduct vet cost from sale price. Only needs a twitch and heavy meds to clip. Turns out alone best, but a group would work if the other horses are lower end. Mostly likes to canter on right lead, but working on lead changes and flat work, shows real bravery over white-colored fences. Enjoys fifth level dressage, eventing, and western as well. Would also perhaps make a good vaulting candidate or circus horse. Did kill one barn cat, but we had too many anyway. Will make a superb breeding stallion -- has already jumped out of the corral ten times to get to the broodmares. Will supply papers. Got bit by a possum, so may have EPM disease, but if he tests positive, we'll deduct that from the cost as well. An easy ride for any amateur. Slight stifle injury and occasional bolting. Only tramples children when he needs work from the chiropractor, an easy fix. Pls. contact our 20yr veteran trainer Priscilla Isabel Soundbury for more information: 543-CHET

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

MrBarista777

Letter from potential dater, MrBarista777, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Heya…thanks for comin…doctorate in Chem…barista rt now…jacked up on 5 espresso shots, so hang on...gotta run…make medium frap large cup w/ 1 splenda, 2 raw sugar, whip, ½ shaved ice, ½ solid ice for Fred or Ted or crap, Ed the bald one…OK I'm back…off at 2pm, if interested…she said skim? She needs skim…OK refill half and half…can date between 3-5pm…have to get to bed at 6pm, back in at 3am…fuck, we're out of Irish Cream syrup who likes that shit...don't have time for date Bio...just watch me…move like a gazelle on crack…chk out these examples of my excellent company customer service…reel you in maybe…soy gettin low…stock room, OK bye…you want a straw?

Customer: Hm, what's in the white chocolate drink?
Barista: Hm, mainly white chocolate.

Customer: Can we sit anywhere?
Barista: Yes, where there aren't people sitting. Or if you're not too fat, lap sitting is cool.

Customer: How much are these cookies?
Barista: $1.95 like the very large sign says.

Customer: What kind of tea do you have?
Barista: It's listed on that tea list I just handed you.

Customer: Can I have a spoon?
Barista: Hang on, I think I found one. Just let me spit on it to get this crusted jelly off.

Customer: What's that Apple Cinnamon drink on the board?
Barista: I have no idea. Good question. What the hell is that?

Customer: Can I have some ice water with ice?
Barista: Sure, let me check and see if that's still in stock.

Customer: Would you choose the chicken wrap or the egg ‘n cheese?
Barista: Egg
Customer: I'll have the chicken.
Barista: Seriously, that one's really bad.
Customer: Why is it on the menu then?
Barista: To sell the egg one, you know, diversion tactics.

Customer: What kind of drink would you suggest?
Barista: Black. Drip. Coffee.

Customer: I parked at the meter and didn't pay. You think I'll be okay?
Barista: No.
Customer: Can I have some change?
Barista: Sorry, I'm not allowed to open the register.

Customer: Are you open?
Barista: We close in five minutes.
Customer: Great, can I have 3 large skim lattes, 5 mochas w/ no whip, and 10 cookies?
Barista: For here or to go?
Customer: For here, I love the atmosphere.
Barista: Sure, I'm heading out, so come on back here behind the counter, and you can whip it right up.

Customer: I think you gave me the mild coffee instead of the dark roast!
Barista: Really? You like it?
Customer: I wanted the dark.
Barista: Sorry, just dumped the dark.
Customer: I'll wait.
Barista: No problem, it'll be a few minutes. I have to go on my smoke break back out by the dumpster.

Customer: What's in the hot chocolate?
Barista: Chocolate and milk.
Customer: Is it gluten free?
Barista: Not sure, there may be a graham cracker crust stuck to the bottom of the mug. Better get the coffee just to be safe.

Customer: What's your favorite sweet thing here?
Barista: I love caramel, but you look more like a chocolate type.
Customer: I'll have a piece of that carrot cake.
Barista: I said, you're the chocolate type.

MrBarista777

-- C.A. MacConnell

ICEFACE

Letter from potential dater, ICEFACE, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

When I share, I don’t hold back. I am, and always will be, as transparent as frigid, stream water. I’m aware that I have quite the unique and tragic personal background, and I wanted to be honest with all of you and reveal my story yet again, for those of you who are in the dark. My somber tale is not for the weak-hearted. Just thought I’d warn you before we even meet so that you’re prepared when you find out that I’ve been through hell and back…

Here’s my heartbreaking story: one day, my life changed forever. In the middle of winter, a rather large piece of ice was hanging from an overpass. Suddenly, when I drove under it, right at that moment, the immense chunk of ice fell. Hang on, I’m tearing up a little. When the ice broke through my windshield, it hit me in the side of my head, wedging inside my brain, but the incident didn’t take my life. Instead, unfortunately, when I arrived at the ER, doctors couldn’t remove the ice because it was positioned in my brain just the right way so that any slight movement would kill me, and so, for the rest of my life, I have been doomed to walk around with a huge icicle sticking out of my head.

Now I’m sobbing. For these reasons, I also have to wear a full-size freezer on my head, so that the icicle stays lodged perfectly in my brain and doesn’t melt and kill me.

So now I am ICEFACE.

Over the years, it has been an unbelievable struggle to live with a freezer on my head. I haven’t included photos in my Bio for various obvious reasons; however, my therapist assures me that it isn’t all negative. Some call me the new winter superhero. But I can only fight crime in subzero temperatures, or I have to wear my head freezer, which makes it difficult to save people’s lives; it is also challenging to kiss eligible bachelors, but I am one tough woman, so watch out. Well, really, you won’t have to watch out, because you can see me coming with that freezer on my head and all. But the good part is that just the sheer horrifying image of my ICEFACE usually scares evil people so much that most of the time, I don’t even have to do anything but appear, and they run screaming, which is perfect for a superhero. Don’t have to waste any time weeding out villains or skittish types.

It’s been a long, hard road for me. I’ve read all the self-help books, front to back. Twice. I’ve gone to all of the 12-step meetings that exist. I even created some of my own. Reflexology, massage, cranial-sacral therapy, light therapy, yoga, Pilates, church, no church, carbs, no carbs, paganism, veganism, vegetarianism, rawfoodism, nudism, spells, fortune cookies, magic 8 balls, horoscopes, inspiring quotes, flipping coins, caffeine, no caffeine, personal training, whole foods, vitamins, herbs, teas, getting wasted, getting sober, facials, meditation, chanting, hypnotism, and animal therapy – you name it, I’ve tried them all. I’ve put my whole heart into every single attempt at getting well considering my disability.

Life and dating have not been easy, although my dating has increased since my appearance on Netflix. And I suppose it helped to tell my story to the world, even though now I do receive an extreme amount of hate mail, death threats, hackers, and spam, and I can’t get a job or a date in this town, and most people think I’m a freak, and there have been mass rumors spread about me, and many people just run with terror when they see me, or they want to get kind of close and take pictures, but not too close, but, all that said, if being open with my story helped others and maybe saved some lives, then I guess it was all worth it.

I’m absolutely transparent and real 100% of the time. I am ICEFACE, the superhero, every moment. But I do have several different top-of-the-line freezers that I use for dress-up special occasions.

Name: ICEFACE

Gender: Female

Interested in: after my accident, I wasn’t choosy, but after much self-reflection and hard work, I realized I was definitely straight and into Drumsticks. Alas, I suppose anyone might get tired of the ice cave after a while, even though I will provide you with a lovely fur parka.

Occupation: Crime fighting, Former Video Store Employee

Interests: The North Pole, Santa, Christmas, New Year’s, pouring juice in ice cube trays and putting toothpicks in them to make little popsicles, the frozen food aisle, ice cream at the quickie mart, long walks, snow storms, appliance stores, penguins, Rudolph, Snow Cones, the Festival of Lights at the Zoo, polar bears, The Weather Channel, saving lives, spending time alone at the ice cave, and the Snow Miser.

Kids: Open. Not feeling exclusive at the moment. Brr.

Thanks again for taking me in, despite my situation. I think that my time at the F’n Rad Dating Site might be a new beginning for me. My current doctor team suggests that I try new activities. Now, I’m heading out to Best Buy. I hear there’s a sale on the French Door refrigerators. Then I will engage in five hours of Art Therapy to make sure that was the best decision. I do hope you like Ben N Jerry’s, or Soy Dream, if you will.

Sincerely,
ICEFACE

-- C.A. MacConnell

SisterMaryOnHigh568

Letter from potential dater, SisterMaryOnHigh568, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Through Him, with Him, and in Him. In the unity of the Holy Spirit. All glory and honor are Yours, almighty Father, forever and ever. Also, all glory and honor are Yours, Orange is the New Black.

Blessed creatures, I see that you are glowing with God’s light!

The sisters and I knelt down on uneven, hard ground until it dug into our skin and blood poured over the earth, and we prayed for you and then, I posted some spiritual retreat events to our FB page, and God led me to the F’n Rad Dating Site. After a few hours of meditation and some time spent sawing off my thumb to repent, I knew that was in God’s plan that I write to you in the unity of the Holy Spirit. As it has been many years since I’ve trudged my way to happy destiny in the dating world, I fasted and prayed again. Then I sneaked into the church daycare and became so stoned, I was blind. After I ate a dozen doughnuts, I flogged myself, which was ever so difficult, considering the missing thumb.

We are all God’s children, and unfortunately, some daters stray from the divine plan, and although I may occasionally join the church custodian in dropping acid, I am no bastard.

Find a comfortable position.

First, let us pray.

Heavenly One, I praise and worship you, because the Father makes me, but also because I’m honored to be your servant forever, and I take my stand today against all devils and their schemes against me, especially when I am hiding in the confessional snorting cocaine. Great One, today, I pledge to take up some Armor. When I order it on EBay credit, please secure my Armor in place on me, because it is rather heavy and expensive, and I am a small person, and when I am drunk, I worry I might fall down. I pledge to take up the Shield of Faith. I put on the Helmet of Salvation, which protects my mind from the fiery darts of the evil one, as well as the fiery farts of Sister Ruth who lives in the adjoining room, as well as my enemy's attacks, and my mind's own attacks when I’m blessing the holy water after I smoked a blunt and watched Martha Stewart’s cooking show. I put on the Breastplate of Righteousness. Holy Greatness, I am indebted to my Breastplate, because I am lacking in the breast area. I gird my Loins with the Belt of Truth. I don't know why because my Loins haven't seen any action in a long time, but I do it anyway. I shod my feet with the preparation of the Gospel of Peace. I do this because I really need a Holy Pedicure. I will use the Sword of the Spirit in whatever situation I may face today, and I admit, that is fun, especially right after the Loins part, which can be lonely. Thank you for showing me how to use the Armor of the Great One. Please help me when I go out into the Battlefield today, because my life really is like that game Battleship, but not a game, more like a scary war zone. In the name of my Breastplate, and in the name of all Loins, Amen.

Name: SisterMaryOnHigh568

Age: 80

Gender: Androgyne. I am energy divine, a representation of the Trinity. Holy Mother Mary of God pray for us sinners now until the hour of our death, Amen. I believe that you have been sent to me by Our Father who art in Heaven, and you may be saints at work in the world, even though some of you might be Satan’s serpent in disguise.

Status: Single, Virgin

Smoke/Drink: Indeed! I am grateful.

Tattoos/Piercings: I have a small butterfly on my left ankle from the days before I devoted my life to the holiness. After many years, the butterfly more closely resembles a bat, but I am not attached to my physical body and skin, so when I take a short bath once a month to conserve water, I do not even notice the bat anymore. All right, sometimes I do notice the bat, but I then quickly let it go.

Interested in: women. I do not discriminate when it comes to features. I am absolutely open forever and ever and ever, Amen. Open. There is nothing under my robes, I am so open.

Interests: Praying four times a day, eating three nutritious meals a day, power walking, making sure my tennis shoes stay completely white, occasional fasting, trying not to sweat, smoking in the Chapel, sunscreen, moisturizer, drinking, guilt, fixing my hair into a beehive like Amy Winehouse underneath my habit so no one can see, wearing loose clothing, making rosaries, lighting candles, making sure I blow out the candles, walking under the stone Jesus who is suspended from the ceiling in the Chapel and saying to him “hi there” or “please don’t become unattached.” Sometimes, I become anxious and fall into a worldly state of fear when it comes to that stone Jesus, but each day, I begin to trust that he will not fall.

Occupation: Sister of the Sisters on High

Music: I prefer Gospel. Also, the orphaned children who stay with us introduced me to Spotify. Or, on a more meditative day, light piano jazz, The Grateful Dead, Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson, and Phish. When the other sisters are already in the Chapel, I might listen to a little Motley Crue. Later, I recite 50 Hail Marys to purge Hell from my system, because although we all know that beings have intercourse in order to reproduce, to discuss it is evil, and although I am pure, Nikki Sixx is going to straight to Hell.

Religion: I am very devoted to the sisterhood. But the dater I am seeking need not be devoted to the Lord. Rather, she may be a heathen.

Looking for: I would like someone to take walks with me, pray with me, eat meals with me, and maybe go talk to that stone Jesus with me, because I believe he gets lonely hanging from the ceiling in the Chapel. I am also looking for someone who will pay on our dates, as the sisters are saving their money for a mission trip. I am looking for a matching soul who dresses appropriately for the time of day, whether it be for meal or prayer time. Just to clarify, I am definitely a virgin, if you do not count that high school encounter I had after the keg party, when I was with Lizzy Beard in the El Camino.

Body Type: 5’10”, flawless skin, a little round in the middle

Eyes: blue

Hair: Crystal Gale, Kim Kardashian

Contact info: There is a gap in praying between 2-3pm. I could probably disappear for a while and no one would know. If you could bring an easy-to-clean bowl, as well as some California bud, I’d be grateful. If you like, I could bring some communion wine, but don’t expect any unblessed wafers, because we might get struck down.

Just to be clear, I am not into serpents or anything resembling a snake, a cigar, a fire hose, a jolly stick, a torpedo, a cannon, a third leg, a banana, a cucumber, or a sausage. I am, however, into holes, cream pies, cherries, deep folds, crevices, beavers, flowers, kitties, peaches, honeypots, lady gardens, cupcakes, conversing with Moses, speaking in tongues, going downstairs for breakfast, pearl diving, yodeling in the canyon, carpeting, and pink tacos, amen.

Blessings,
SisterMaryOnHigh568

-- C.A. MacConnell