Success Story: MsBaristaGrindXO298

Hi daters! After posting yesterday’s letter, we here at the F’n Rad Dating Site have discovered a genuine partnership! We are pleased to announce that MsBaristaGrindXO298 is ALSO into MrBarista777! Yes, it is indeed reciprocal! The ultimate display of personal growth and stellar communication between these two is magnificent, and their triumphant connection has stumped therapists everywhere. We fully believe that these potential daters are going to make it together for the long haul. Here is a letter from her in response to his response. Read and learn...

Letter from MsBaristaGrindXO298 to the F’n Rad Dating Site…

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

OHHHHHHHH. MrBarista777, me in shitter at work, read yer resposne on site hereyestereday, im no starbuck star like you, just a lowly bakery barstia, but no tim to write bk, gotta make cookie & sweep up kids cake icing & choco syrup all over floor fuckin toddler Peecassos. Just hit whip cream nitrous, Hahahahhhahahaha. Ahhahhahahahahahh. Livingon caramelnut brownies, cakepops, & drk choco espresso bean. Off at midnght. Marry u round 2am? Bak here 3am. Sry. Cya soon. XO, 777. Willwritesomeday but Hope you get my feels. Til then, Here’s my day….wait, nuther empty whip…lemme hit that nozzle again…. hahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah…ok, bak. Here’s an exacto transcript, my day…

Customer (approaching register with a walker, looking wet): Hello young lady! I'll have a coffee for here.
Barista: On the house. I'm so sorry you're a cripple.
Customer: What did you say? Wow, it's really raining out there!
Barista: Thank god, I love the rain.
Customer: Oh, that's nice, you do?
Barista: (smiling wide) Yeah, drives most people away from here.
Customer (furrowed brow): Well, that’s some greeting.
Barista (wiping her nose): Sorry, how’s this – how can I help you?
Customer: You know, you really shouldn't wipe your nose when you're greeting a customer. Very rude.
Barista: Oh, sorry, I just have this massive booger in there, just trying to dig it out. Hang on, let me see if I can get it and show you. Then you'll understand.
Customer (raising brows): ANYWAY, I think it’s about to storm out there.
Barista: Really? I should bring the tables in from outside. Or would you like to? You look like the kind of woman who could use a workout.
Customer: Funny.
Barista: No, I'm serious. Your arms are flabby as hell.
Customer: The nerve! But it's weird...it’s muggy inside here.
Barista: Yep, the windows are all steamy.
Customer: Is your A.C. broken?
Barista: Good guess. No, we're preparing the room for later when we turn this into a hot yoga studio.
Customer: Whoa, how is it you still work here?! Before I order, can I have change for a dollar?
Barista: Sure, just using me for change, eh?
Customer: Um, I’m gonna eat here.
Barista: Yeah, that's what they all say...
Customer: No really, I’m ready to order as soon as I get some change.
Barista: Ha! You're really good.
Customer: I'm serious! Can I have some change?
Barista: Not sure...now I feel kind of used, and I'm really not that kind of person anymore.
Customer: I will spend money here! Give me some change!
Barista (chomping gum): Let me go take my smoke break back out by the dumpster and think about this issue we're having, and we can talk it out in an hour or so, when we've had time to think it over and decide on a better course for our relationship.
Customer: Geez, never mind, I’ll take my chances on the ticket. You know, you really shouldn't chew gum while you're working. It's rude.
Barista: I know, so sorry. Here, (taking the gum out of her mouth and sticking it on the counter) will you hold on to this for me for later?
Customer (shrinking back): I'll have the usual.
Barista: I'm sorry, was that the latte, or the Italian soda?
Customer: It's the blueberry tea.
Barista: Oh, that's right, I had you confused with another fat cripple. We’re out of that tea.
Customer (making an "O" with her mouth) Ohhhhh, are those beautiful teapots for sale?
Barista (making an "O" with her mouth): Ohhhhh, NO.
Customer (looking right): Is that the health department here?
Barista: Probably.
Customer (shrugs): Oh, well, I'll have the soup.
Barista: You sure? Not sure what's in it. You ever watch that movie, Fried Green Tomatoes?
Customer: Forget the soup. I’ll have a smoothie.
Barista: Man, seriously?
Customer: What?
Barista: Oh, nothing, it's just that I just cleaned the blender. You know, disinfected it and everything for closing.
Customer: Won't you have to use it again? It's only 10 a.m.
Barista: Yeah, I usually start closing around 10 a.m. I like to be prepared. I'm a real go-getter.
Customer: Oh I see, well, can I get that smoothie anyway?
Barista: Hm, let’s see, sure, but if you want whipped cream, I'm sorry.
Customer: But doesn't that come with it?
Barista: Yeah, normally, but I already cleaned the whipped cream nozzle, and I don't want to get it dirty again. See, I'm nervous that I won't get everything done before 6.
Customer: Can I have a blackberry one?
Barista: Sure, as soon as I go down to the farmer's market and gather some blackberries for you, and then I have to stop behind our dumpster and have my smoke break. Right after that, it'll be right up.
Customer (rolling eyes): All right, well, strawberry?
Barista: Hm, I already put the strawberry mix away in the fridge, and it's buried behind all the iced teas...it's all packed in there perfectly. You should see it. Really, it's amazing I fit it all for closing every day. So would you mind banana? I think I can get to that.
Customer: Really, I want strawberry.
Barista: Hows about four berry, and we'll call it a day.
Customer: I guess that'll work.
Barista (starting the blender and shouting): Hey, you want a Diet Coke with this? I'm trying to get rid of those to fit the selzer in the fridge for closing.
Customer: It's 10 a.m.!
Barista: No doubt, but it'll get wild in here later. Here's your four berry! Enjoy!
Customer (taking smoothie): Um, yeah, thanks. Hey, do you have anything fat-free, or do you have the calories listed somewhere?
Barista: We have pastries. They are very, very fattening.
Customer: Oh, well, I'm just trying to watch my calorie intake.
Barista: I've got a Powerbar in my locker if you want it!
Customer: That's okay, I'm allergic to eggs and wheat. What would you suggest?
Barista (smiling wide): I've got another stick of gum in my pocket. Kinda old, but it's sugar-free!
Customer: Never mind. Thank you for the smoothie.
Barista: You’re welcome, but lady, next time, can you come in a little earlier, so that I’m not in the middle of getting ready for closing?

MsBaristaGrindXO298

-- C.A. MacConnell

Success Story: MrBarista777

Hi daters! We have yet another match! MrBarista777 has written the F’n Rad Dating Site to inform us that he’s interested in MsBaristaGrindXO298! Alas, he didn’t have time to respond to her directly; however, he sent over this exact transcript of his day to let her know how well he communicates in relationships. Read and learn.

Letter from MrBarista777 to the F’n Rad Dating Site…

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

So jacked up on cold brew, caution wet floor signs up. Clean espresso machine, boss says scrape off crud. Get that fucking couple outta here I wanna go home. Maybe I’ll decapitate him with the mop, that’’l l get them gone. Gotta run, howam I gonnasleep all I ate allday was half a scone, gottachk sched, get some ZZZZzzsss b4 next shift. Just downed a leftover fucked up peppermint mocha. Damn I’m shaking, Xo. Hey, XO298, meet you at 3am. It’s llpm now, have to be back in at 4am. Lady, I have a doctorate marry me. No time to write, recorded my day to seal deal. Chk it out. CYOU at 3 hopng. CYA. OUT.

Customer: Hi, I'd like a coffee.
Barista: What size?
Customer: What size do you have?
Barista: Small, medium, large
Customer: I'd like a small.
Barista: Light or dark roast?
Customer: Light.
Barista: Hot or luke warm?
Customer: Um, hot.
Barista: With grounds in it or no grounds?
Customer (hands on hips): no grounds...
Barista: For here or to go?
Customer: To go.
Barista: Would you like it double-cupped?
Customer: Just give me my coffee?!
Barista: Would you like a sleeve? Some people don't want to waste the paper.
Customer: Yes, a sleeve! I'm in a hurry!
Barista: Sorry, did you say small?
Customer: Yes, small!
Barista: Okay, so small, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure?
Customer: How long have you worked here?
Barista: Okay, so small, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, and you are very nosy?
Customer (turning to leave): I'll just go down the street, never mind.
Barista: Wait, so that was small coffee, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, you are very nosy, and you are leaving?
Customer (turning back around): I have never had such poor service. How is it that you still work here?
Barista (writing on the cup): Let me just check again with you...small coffee, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, you are very nosy, and you aren't leaving yet because you're taking out your childhood angst on me?
Customer (walks out): I'm calling the manager.
Barista: Wait! Here's your coffee! Don't forget to tip me!

Customer: Whoa, it's like a sauna outside.
Barista: Want a hot chocolate?
Customer: Funny, I was thinking something refreshing, like an iced tea.
Barista: Hows about a scalding Americano?
Customer: Maybe I'll just have a bottle of water. Do you have that?
Barista: There's a special on extra hot lattes.
Customer: Do you really work here?
Barista: Couple months.
Customer: Seems like I've seen you longer. I'd like an iced tea.
Barista: What kind? We have 50 different kinds.
Customer: Really, what are they?
Barista: How about a milk steamer?
Customer: No, I want an iced tea.
Barista: Hm, you want ice in it?
Customer: Yes!
Barista: The ice is all stuck together. I'll have to go get my chisel and hammer it apart. How about a nice hot mocha while you're waiting?

Customer: It's raining cats and dogs out there.
Barista: I thought I saw lightning.
Customer: Hm, I haven't seen lightning.
Barista: Oh, that must've just been when I slammed the electrical cord in the fridge again, no worries.

Barista: Lady, can I take your glass? Or are you still working on that frap?
Customer: Still working on it.
Barista (grabbing across the table): How about your straw?
Customer: Still using it!
Barista (grabbing across the table): Your spoon? Doesn't look like you're using that.
Customer: I'm going to use it!
Barista (taking the napkin): Man! Relax, lady! Just trying to be helpful.
Customer: Before I go, can I add on one of those chocolate cupcakes you had yesterday?
Barista: We had those yesterday, not today. What we have is out on display.
Customer: Oh, bummer.
Barista: Yeah, sorry.
Customer: What about those chicken breakfast wraps?
Barista: Negative. What we have is on display.
Customer: Where's the display?
Barista: Oh fuck, I knew I forgot something this morning.

Customer: Can I have some water?
Barista: Sure, today it's free.
Customer: Isn't it always free?
Barista: For you, yes, because you are one hot damn hippie.

MrBarista777

-- C.A. MacConnell

Letter of Resignation

Note from the author, C.A. MacConnell:  this is actually from my comedy archives...I just thought it might be a funny way to end on this comedy site for the time being while I take a brief hiatus from blogging so that I can focus on my next book. In the meantime, I hope you can check out the rest of the characters on here as well, as I work hard on the voices, as random and ridiculous as some of them are. It takes a lot of time to settle back and grab a hold of these voices, but it's all practice for me, so I roll with it. I admit that many of the writings had me laughing to tears. :) Hope you have a beautiful day, and hope I can make you laugh too, that is all! Love to you, C.A.

At the F’n Rad Dating Site, we understand that there is a time in every dater’s life when he/she/they must change jobs in order to join a mate to cohabitate in another locale, and we encourage such choice maneuvers! When resigning from the work force, one must always leave in an appropriate manner. When it was time for our potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222, to move on from her current position, she decided to share her smooth transition with us. Here is a transcript, a perfect example of a proper resignation letter, sent to us directly from our potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222. Read and learn…

Suitable letter of resignation example, sent to the F’n Rad Dating Site, from potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222

2/17/23

Pegasus Car Wash
cc: Monster, Indeed, LinkedIn, F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear Pegasus Car Wash (that’s right, YOU, you beady-eyed prick, the person in charge who schedules me and wears the baseball cap with the fucking wings on it. When I say “prick,” I mean that in the nicest sense of the word):

I know where you live, and if you get toilet papered here soon, well, it wasn’t me; however, if you happen to receive an overnighted, unmarked box full of elephant shit, that was definitely me. Just wanted to be clear. In the workplace, I'm all about being professional and providing people with clarity, especially when it involves a special delivery order of super-sized crap.

It's important to share feelings.

Also, I'm writing to announce my formal resignation from Pegasus Car Wash, effective -- not two weeks -- but two seconds from this date. This is my official notification. In fact, by the time that you find this letter, I will already be gone. Repeat after me…Bye bye, Bye bye. Bye by bye bye bye bye bye bye by bye bbbbbb bbyyyyyyeeeee bybybybybybyby bybybybybyby bybybyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Seeya, wouldn’t wanna be ya. Later when you’re greater. Me gone. Like magic! I have vanished from your life completely. Poof. Let me be really, super-duper clear here: Ba-Bye. Bye, bye, baby, bye bye.

Actually, before you even notice this letter, I will be gone, because I am never coming back, never ever, not even to wash my car, and I will tell all other people I meet to never ever visit Pegasus. In addition, I will send out emails and fliers to people everywhere encouraging them to visit Lucky Waves Car Wash instead, because we all know they're cheaper, and they have a better variety of car fresheners that hang from the mirror. They even have the dolphin one that smells like Spring Ocean California Breeze! And you don’t, green-bean-diarrhea-for-brains, let’s face it. You lie and tell people it's out of stock, but you don’t have it, you lying sack of shit who only wears dirty sweatpants that literally make you look like a sack of shit. Now, don’t get mad – many people look like a sack of shit. I mean, on the Sack of Shit planet, you would totally fit right in.

No hard feelings, I’m just stating the obvious.

Now, let’s get real here…Lucky Waves has a Chicklets machine that actually works. Now, if it were me, and I were going to choose a car wash, that last statement would make my choice a no-brainer. Now that I’m leaving Pegasus, I can tell you that your gum choices and your clothing choice and your mean, unbelievably inaccurate scheduling emails suck balls.

Sure, I was a mere freelance worker, and you only called me in when you needed an extra Vacuum Suction Girl, but I still wanted to be thorough in my professional dealings with you and explain why I'm leaving in a kind and loving way. Here goes. I would like to give you a suggestion: take that Pegasus winged hat of yours and fly, motherfucker, fly, because you’ll need to now that I’m gone. You’re gonna be one Vacuuming Bitch for a little while. I know that I was supposed to work a shift today, but I didn’t show out of thoughts of you. See, I couldn’t find the right clothes to cover up my tattoos, and I couldn’t get the nose ring out, so I figured you wouldn’t want me coming in like that, because I've had to hide all that shit the whole time I’ve been working there, so as not to scare the high quality clients, even though the lady who works the front counter has a pierced cheek, and you let that slide because she’s totally banging you, we all know it, which is interesting and ironic, but it also makes me realize that you are a complete asshole and not to mention, your face looks like a possum, and when you dyed your hair blond it looked like snot, and so I decided I needed a change in my environment. Now, don’t take that asshole thing personally. Or the snot thing. I am just being completely open and honest with you here.

I think it’s good to get it all out on the table. I’m all about serenity and being free. I pray for you daily.

This was not an easy decision to make on my part. I cried for months. I mean, I really cried. I went to therapy, and I’ve enclosed my therapy bill as well, because I feel that Pegasus should cover the difference. I know that the bill doesn’t look like it’s coming from a therapist, because it’s on loose leaf and handwritten, but I wanted you to have the raw copy straight from my therapist’s handwriting, as I think that’s appropriate. Please pay up. Cash is best.

On a positive note, however, the past three months of Pegasus work have been very rewarding. I’ve been able to drink a shit-ton of free coffee, bum a lot of cigarettes, and I even hooked up with a few other workers, which was smokin'. Let me say that there’s more than one use for those vacuums. I totally enjoyed this part of working for you and working with a very successful (and very promiscuous) team. The tips were great!

Thank you for the opportunities for growth – the constant harassment, for talking down to me, and for all of the other amazing spiritual soul lessons that you have provided me. By the way, your blond wife can stop sending me scheduling emails now too. They make no sense, and I seriously could do a better job. Also, tell her she looks like Mrs. Possum and tell her that we can all see her wormy mustache. Dayum, get you some wax, girl. Or let the fucker grow and just be your Tom Selleck self. All I’m saying is this…make a decision, one way or the other.

Thanks so much for expanding my horizons. I actually got to work as a towel drier girl for a while, and that was a good day until lunch, when you had me change jobs and move to stand right in the middle of the car wash wearing a rain coat and six-foot-tall wings to act like a funny puppet for the kids in the cars, which was very scary and very cold, although I was quite good at it, you have to admit.

Well, Possum Face, I wish you and the rest of the people at Pegasus all the best. I hope I never, ever see you again, but I would like to use you as a reference if possible, so just let me know -- that would be super. Hey, I just meditated and decided that I wish you and the rest of the crazy bitches there much success in the future.

Best,
FlyMFPegasus222

-- C.A. MacConnell

Success Story: Suzy and Debbie

This just in! At the F'n Rad Dating Site, we have just received a true, detailed, successful account, an exact text transcription, sent to us directly from our f'n rad daters, Suzy and Debbie. Watch how they nail it down through text. Read and learn.

(Suzy and Debbie, texting)

Suzy: Whaddup girl? ;) <3
Debbie: You hitting the club tnite? <3 Back at ya
Suzy: I'd like to club. <3 <3 Just shaved my head.
Debbie: You going? You get the back OK
Suzy: Sounds good. You’ll have to chk it.
Debbie: I’ll chk the club time.
Suzy: No, the head.
Debbie: OK, head later, I’m in. You going then? You meet me baldy woman
Suzy: haha At the club?
Debbie: I pick you up, Coco, you know
Suzy: Oh, role playin! Bring it on!
Debbie: I pick you up, Coco first
Suzy: Who's Coco, she coming to the club? She hot?
Debbie: Place down by the river.
Suzy: Her place down there? She coming?
Debbie: No coming. The place I pick you up. I miss u <3 <3
Suzy: She can’t come? Poor girl. Coco work at the club? Bet she got hair
Debbie: Coco, then club.
Suzy: You doin' Coco? Thought we were commit. I wear wig
Debbie: The Coco, I pick you up there.
Suzy: You don't have to pick me up. We lovers already.
Debbie: NO, I pick you up at Coco.
Suzy: YOu pick me up Coco house? Where that.
Debbie: Down by the river. Here google map. No wig
Suzy: I'm not into 3some. I’m not wigging. Just being honest.
Debbie: Dinner, Coco, by river, I pick you up, then club.
Suzy: Oh, I get it. I’m dessert. She's hotter. ANd she fem.
Debbie: NO. Straight up, love you, no hair, long hair.
Suzy: So you want both?
Debbie: Geez, I'll do Coco alone. I’ll just meet you later.
Suzy: At the club?
Debbie: Yeah, The Toy, like ten.
Suzy: I have to charge that one. :0
Debbie: No, sweetie. The club, The Toy, at ten.
Suzy: OH, OK. See you there. Check my head?
Debbie: I eat Coco, then you

-- C.A. MacConnell

Success Story: Bobby and Cindy

This just in! At the F'n Rad Dating Site, we have yet another success story to share with you, and we have proof. Here's a true account sent directly from our f'n rad daters, Bobby and Cindy.

(Bobby and Cindy, texting)

Bobby: Whadup grl u crazy. Sendn me all those UTubes. I'm gonna get canned.
Cindy: I no craze. Me yer girl that make you craze. You'll never get can. No one wants that job.
Bobby: LOL. Ur so write. But that damn dog penis one you sent. Never seen one so BIG. Jesus C.
Cindy: Bored at the car wash, Booby.
Bobby: Yer a real Hymen Way.
Cindy: We go to movie tonight or you twerk late?
Bobby: Which one. Don't make me c Shade o Grey.
Cindy: was thinking Carol.
Bobby: Girl on girl. I dig.
Cindy: It's an art movie, you jerk.
Bobby: Whatev. Sounds grape.
Cindy: What wrg. U sound distract. Did I dew something?
Bobby: Me balance on bench. Top of high rise. With hard hat on
Bobby: And Bill's here
Cindy: But U always R upside down. Did I do soemthing?
Bobby: Relax, it's just lunch and Bill didn't get the meatball sub thru window, you know
Cindy: That guys :0
Bobby: Tell me about it. Yesterday, he stab a pigeon.
Cindy: Are you srs? U need new job.
Bobby: No hi rise window washer likes pigeons, but com on.
Cindy: I like pigens.
Bobby: How could you like pigons. They shit on me all day.
Cindy: I like the coo. Cute.
Bobby: Jimmy John just showed up at the 44th floor, Thank god.
Cindy: Well I got Donna and her nose picking at the office.
Bobby: We should hook em up
Cindy: Made 4 each other
Bobby: Pigeons and snot. Shit and snot. ROFL.
Cindy: Are we going to the movie or what? Your always so distracted.
Bobby: Hang on, Bill's leaning on the...
Cindy: Bobby?
Bobby: Shit, I'll have to get back, I'm hangin from the 44th flr.
Cindy: Tell the truth.
Bobby: Srsly, I'm about to die! F***
Cindy: Whatev, you tried this when I want to see Danish Girl.
Bobby: Baby, I only got 3 fingers on a rope and...
Cindy: TTYL

-- C.A. MacConnell

Success Story: Sue and Bill

At the F’n Rad Dating Site, we realize that in today’s society, some daters rely on text alone. Today, we have a special treat! A first-hand recording of the success of two F’n Rad daters, Sue and Bill. Here is a transcript of their most recent text relationship. Read and learn...

(Sue and Bill, texting)

 
Sue: Hyi. !!! ;;;;666^^^^

Bill: What up, girl. been waiting for u to get back me for like 3 days. three days and 2 hours. We had that heavy convo and then nothing from you for three days. WTF princess.

Sue: :)

Bill: I knew somethings up. You never send smiley's. Tell me whats up.

Sue: :0

Bill: OH, now scared face. That's just like you, spreading anxiety like disease.

Sue: ;)

Bill: Oh, hi winky, now you're cute. For a yr, I been trying here and seems like I'm only one in this relationship. been like that this whole time. can't do it anymore. tired of games.

Sue: <3

Bill: Oh right, now you trying reel me back in. Back and forth, pick one way or other. I been to therapy. I been to doctor, and I took care of back hair and rash. i been through all this for u, and now all you do is use cutesy hearts to try suck me in again? Why don't you send fuckin unicorn and leprechaun too? Well, it won't work this time. lucky charm bull shit.

Sue: :-*

Bill: Now that's low. a heart is one thing, but a kissy? Wtf, hows about you take look at YOU for once? U U ALWAYS BLAMING EVRLYTHG ON WAY I KISS. CAN'T HELP IT IF THEY LEFT MY BRACES ON TO LONG. just the way I learned to kiss. back then, we had to wear headgears too. had to wear the fucking thing to school, and THEY ALL called me Short Circuit until COLLEGE. i kiss the best I can. Will it ever be good enough?

Sue: &

Bill: Aw, girl, now you wannna superpretzel or some shit? You think I'm Mr. Moneybags? Everytime we go to the movies, you buy like $50 million snacks.

Sue: :) $$$

Bill: OK, move on, find a sugar daddy. I want someone who loves me who I am. We're done. DONE!

Sue: What u mean we dun? My daughter got hold horse of phone. Oh, so u brake up w/ me over text? Now that's the beanest thing anyone ever do to me. In front of my lil girl two. At least wait pill I'm house.

Bill: :-* I knew you'd come around. Leave you. Should I pick you up at heaven?

Sue: Better cake it do later.

Bill: Meant love you, Betty

Sue: Who the fuck is Betty? ARe u seein someone else? wish you'd just be straight up.

Bill: I think I love you is pretty straight up. I meant Baby.

Sue: Yeah, that's what they all say. Even Betty.

Bill: Dude, I'm driving I better go to leave. I'm gonna crash.

Sue: :)

Bill: You happy I'm gonna crash? What's that all abt? So passive-aggression

Sue: It's a frowny on my phone. You know what, I'm tired of this BS. You always doubt me. You never trust me.

Bill: <3 I love you.

Sue: Was that for me or Betty?

Bill: That's it, we're done.

Sue: I oven you.

Bill: There is no Betty. There is no one but ukelele.

-- C.A. MacConnell

Success Story: DaManDaMutt12345

We here at the F'n Rad Dating Site like to share when a match proves to be successful. Congratulations, dater! Here's a follow-up letter from our F'n Rad Dater, DaManDaMutt12345

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Suck me, date world. Now I’m scoring, so I’m out. Here’s the history: so, I rode my board down to the Levee, ‘cause my Hyundai was over at the shop getting the lube, and I swore to the Big Fat Man in the Sky that the super sloth mechanic was never gonna get it done. Motherfucker was cracked out on goddamn Lucky Charms or some shit, but he did score me a fast-food deal on my skull tat gettin done, so while I was waiting for a century, I went to get inked, and now the damn skull looks more like that alien from the Flintstones. You know, that green mofo. I told that tattoo dick I wanted a scaryass skull with blood and daggers and shit, and I ended up with some cartoon fuckin' head. Cracked us up at first ‘cause we were so loaded, but then I came back to Earth and puked, and I was like dayum, this shit’s not gonna rub off, you know wha I’m sayin? Guess I’m gonna have to put fuckin' Wilma and Fred on there too.

So, I huffed it on down to the Levee, and I had sweat rings the size of Uranus, but I was packing some twenties from a choice alley deal with some crazy mofo circus clown. So, since I still had my balls, and I was Richie Rich from the skunk, I thought I might get me some of that Tilapia at the Levee fish joint for once, ‘cause I love that special tartar they scoop out, but then I went to Distractedland, because there were some choice ponies hanging out by movie ticket central, holy fuck. Since I swallowed some candy earlier, stupid me had a panic attack, and I swear I could’ve coughed up a loogie the size of a hot air balloon.

Nobody was home on my face. But I just played it chill. What sucked was that there was some competition – some showoff motherfucker with a boa constrictor, and he was acting cool and calling all the kids over to pet it. So, things got heated in my guts, and I thought about Dragonslaying his ass right then and there, and I guess he came from the zoo, but I was so pissed he was stealing my action. I thought about going for the jugular, but then I ducked around the corner and got tanked and meditated on the situation.

Then I came back to stare at the snake, ’cause by then I thought it was freaky too, and I think I hurled, and I took my shirt off just to let the snake bro and the choice ladies know I was cut and lean. I admit I was getting bored and missing my cable, when this one choice chick comes up to me and gets right in my sun. Alls I could see was her melons, and she wasn’t skinny, but I dropped my board and thought, Dayum, this Melon is stacked.

My eyes were getting slitty from being up all night on da live chat, and I was getting freaked out by some graffiti, when Melon took me across the street to bang me right then and there. I knew we might make a puppy. Then we scored some free popcorn from my cuz at the movie central, and we had us some girly princess Dreamweaver talk about our moms, my two girls, the boys, double stuff cookies, and the twins out in Goshen. Melon likes that Creamy Deluxe icing shit, so we bonded on that action, and I got a little carried away being me, and it got so real I thought a priest might show right up and tell us we were sharing names and shit. Just to cool things down, I pulled out my ghetto blaster from my backpack, and I showed her some of my happy performance art skate moves, and I played the Phil Collins, and she started fucking crying.

So then I knew -- this bitch is for real. I love this canteloupe.

So don’t give up, even if you’re an introvert fat boy or about to kill someone, ’cause here’s what happened…me and Melon stole some Wild Turkey, then took the piss central Metro to ride around the city for no reason, and when we get the Hyundai back, we'll take all the kids on over to the park and have playtime swinging until we can’t feel our asses, and it'll be one big Happy Meal. Hey, where the fuck is dat clown ass creepyface Ron McDonald? Man, he was one freaky mother, and you got to wonder if he's locked up or surfing some porn.

But let’s be real about all this action – if you get some bitch in at the site, and she's super smokin', just look me up on da live chat, 'cause me and Melon might be up for some Party of Three.

You know wha I'm sayin,
DaManDaMutt12345

-- C.A. MacConnell