Recently, here at the F’n Rad Dating Site, our millions of potential daters have sent us messages regarding skin care suggestions, and we are here to help! To answer your skin pleas for mercy, along with our sponsor, B.S. Investments, and our partnership with Dragon Ballz University, we have now teamed up with WAGD’s new skin care line!!!!!! Any potential dater on the F’n Rad Dating Site is eligible for a one-time discount! And now, a message from our partner, WAGD!. Read and learn…
New Beauty Cream: WAGD!
ATTENTION SKIN CARE LOVERS. JUST RELEASED ...
New skin care product on the line, ... for you.
Fresh, unique, affordable, and it works like no other face cream you have experienced before. Right here, right now, throw away all of your current beauty treatments, because what we’ve developed in our laboratories will take them all to the cleaners …
And your first sample is FREE! That's right, 100% free!!
... and then, for the low monthly membership of $49.99, you can treat your skin right up until your last breath. And if you act now, you can join during the trial period for only $49.69 per month!!!
We're waiting for you.
Recent scientific findings show that our product goes beyond where any skin cream has gone before. Our revolutionary cream, called WAGD!, “We’re All Gonna Die!” is absolutely pure and unrefined, containing many chemicals, but no harsh ingredients. WAGD! is made entirely of nothing but all natural, unfiltered tap water. That’s right, tap water. Carefully bottled near a stream in Mesopotamia, our tap water is the finest on the market. Add a little soap, and presto, clean face skin. Experts have found that WAGD! has been helping all genders for centuries. It might seem that you could just use your own tap water; however, ours is carefully geared toward everyone. That's right, everyone -- the young and old, toddlers and infants, and even animals. Whether you are fat as hell, skinny as a rail, gay, straight, confused, a Democrat, a Republican, or Bernie Sanders, our team of research panelists have discovered that WAGD! tap water is the finest in the world, and it is highly effective ...
for you AND your horse.
ACT NOW, and you'll receive a free bar of lye soap along with your bottle of WAGD!! If you're a new customer, we’ll also include a free “We’re All Gonna Die!” T-shirt! What more could you ask for?
If you're STILL not convinced, here are some recent testimonials:
“Before I tried WAGD!, I tried all of the most expensive beauty creams imaginable. Through your company, I've realized that I’m just gonna die, and I’ve been using your tap water ever since. This change has completely altered my life.” – Betty “Sandface” Lynn, CEO and straight mother of two, Massachusetts.
“I’ve been wearing my WAGD! T-shirt out shopping and everywhere I go, people stop me to ask what I’ve been doing because I look so different. When I tell them I’m almost dead, I get so much attention. So rewarding!” – Rachel Zimmerban, single closet lesbian mother, Iowa.
“WAGD! Oh my god, I love you,” – Steve Carbonwise, flaming gay lawyer and pie maker, Germany.
“At first, I just used the trial package, and I saw that my skin was beginning to flake off, but when I realized that WAGD! was automatically charging my credit card, I thought, ‘What the hell, they’re right, who cares if my face melts and I go in debt, because we’re all gonna die.’ I feel so free! I will be a committed member until I’m dead!” – Lucy “Patchycheek” Smithers, taxi driver, asexual, into toys, Dubai.
Sadly, due to climate change and increased shipping costs, our product will soon be unavailable...you must act NOW.
Thank you so much to our new customers! We look forward to doing business with the world. We aim to please. Our customer service team is ready and waiting!
THIS JUST IN: if you hurry, we'll also include a FREE "We're All Gonna Die" key chain.
Sincerely,
The WAGD Team
-- C.A. MacConnell
Thursday, March 30, 2023
Sunday, March 26, 2023
Success Story: MsBaristaGrindXO298
Hi daters! After posting yesterday’s letter, we here at the F’n Rad Dating Site have discovered a genuine partnership! We are pleased to announce that MsBaristaGrindXO298 is ALSO into MrBarista777! Yes, it is indeed reciprocal! The ultimate display of personal growth and stellar communication between these two is magnificent, and their triumphant connection has stumped therapists everywhere. We fully believe that these potential daters are going to make it together for the long haul. Here is a letter from her in response to his response. Read and learn...
Letter from MsBaristaGrindXO298 to the F’n Rad Dating Site…
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
OHHHHHHHH. MrBarista777, me in shitter at work, read yer resposne on site hereyestereday, im no starbuck star like you, just a lowly bakery barstia, but no tim to write bk, gotta make cookie & sweep up kids cake icing & choco syrup all over floor fuckin toddler Peecassos. Just hit whip cream nitrous, Hahahahhhahahaha. Ahhahhahahahahahh. Livingon caramelnut brownies, cakepops, & drk choco espresso bean. Off at midnght. Marry u round 2am? Bak here 3am. Sry. Cya soon. XO, 777. Willwritesomeday but Hope you get my feels. Til then, Here’s my day….wait, nuther empty whip…lemme hit that nozzle again…. hahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah…ok, bak. Here’s an exacto transcript, my day…
Customer (approaching register with a walker, looking wet): Hello young lady! I'll have a coffee for here.
Barista: On the house. I'm so sorry you're a cripple.
Customer: What did you say? Wow, it's really raining out there!
Barista: Thank god, I love the rain.
Customer: Oh, that's nice, you do?
Barista: (smiling wide) Yeah, drives most people away from here.
Customer (furrowed brow): Well, that’s some greeting.
Barista (wiping her nose): Sorry, how’s this – how can I help you?
Customer: You know, you really shouldn't wipe your nose when you're greeting a customer. Very rude.
Barista: Oh, sorry, I just have this massive booger in there, just trying to dig it out. Hang on, let me see if I can get it and show you. Then you'll understand.
Customer (raising brows): ANYWAY, I think it’s about to storm out there.
Barista: Really? I should bring the tables in from outside. Or would you like to? You look like the kind of woman who could use a workout.
Customer: Funny.
Barista: No, I'm serious. Your arms are flabby as hell.
Customer: The nerve! But it's weird...it’s muggy inside here.
Barista: Yep, the windows are all steamy.
Customer: Is your A.C. broken?
Barista: Good guess. No, we're preparing the room for later when we turn this into a hot yoga studio.
Customer: Whoa, how is it you still work here?! Before I order, can I have change for a dollar?
Barista: Sure, just using me for change, eh?
Customer: Um, I’m gonna eat here.
Barista: Yeah, that's what they all say...
Customer: No really, I’m ready to order as soon as I get some change.
Barista: Ha! You're really good.
Customer: I'm serious! Can I have some change?
Barista: Not sure...now I feel kind of used, and I'm really not that kind of person anymore.
Customer: I will spend money here! Give me some change!
Barista (chomping gum): Let me go take my smoke break back out by the dumpster and think about this issue we're having, and we can talk it out in an hour or so, when we've had time to think it over and decide on a better course for our relationship.
Customer: Geez, never mind, I’ll take my chances on the ticket. You know, you really shouldn't chew gum while you're working. It's rude.
Barista: I know, so sorry. Here, (taking the gum out of her mouth and sticking it on the counter) will you hold on to this for me for later?
Customer (shrinking back): I'll have the usual.
Barista: I'm sorry, was that the latte, or the Italian soda?
Customer: It's the blueberry tea.
Barista: Oh, that's right, I had you confused with another fat cripple. We’re out of that tea.
Customer (making an "O" with her mouth) Ohhhhh, are those beautiful teapots for sale?
Barista (making an "O" with her mouth): Ohhhhh, NO.
Customer (looking right): Is that the health department here?
Barista: Probably.
Customer (shrugs): Oh, well, I'll have the soup.
Barista: You sure? Not sure what's in it. You ever watch that movie, Fried Green Tomatoes?
Customer: Forget the soup. I’ll have a smoothie.
Barista: Man, seriously?
Customer: What?
Barista: Oh, nothing, it's just that I just cleaned the blender. You know, disinfected it and everything for closing.
Customer: Won't you have to use it again? It's only 10 a.m.
Barista: Yeah, I usually start closing around 10 a.m. I like to be prepared. I'm a real go-getter.
Customer: Oh I see, well, can I get that smoothie anyway?
Barista: Hm, let’s see, sure, but if you want whipped cream, I'm sorry.
Customer: But doesn't that come with it?
Barista: Yeah, normally, but I already cleaned the whipped cream nozzle, and I don't want to get it dirty again. See, I'm nervous that I won't get everything done before 6.
Customer: Can I have a blackberry one?
Barista: Sure, as soon as I go down to the farmer's market and gather some blackberries for you, and then I have to stop behind our dumpster and have my smoke break. Right after that, it'll be right up.
Customer (rolling eyes): All right, well, strawberry?
Barista: Hm, I already put the strawberry mix away in the fridge, and it's buried behind all the iced teas...it's all packed in there perfectly. You should see it. Really, it's amazing I fit it all for closing every day. So would you mind banana? I think I can get to that.
Customer: Really, I want strawberry.
Barista: Hows about four berry, and we'll call it a day.
Customer: I guess that'll work.
Barista (starting the blender and shouting): Hey, you want a Diet Coke with this? I'm trying to get rid of those to fit the selzer in the fridge for closing.
Customer: It's 10 a.m.!
Barista: No doubt, but it'll get wild in here later. Here's your four berry! Enjoy!
Customer (taking smoothie): Um, yeah, thanks. Hey, do you have anything fat-free, or do you have the calories listed somewhere?
Barista: We have pastries. They are very, very fattening.
Customer: Oh, well, I'm just trying to watch my calorie intake.
Barista: I've got a Powerbar in my locker if you want it!
Customer: That's okay, I'm allergic to eggs and wheat. What would you suggest?
Barista (smiling wide): I've got another stick of gum in my pocket. Kinda old, but it's sugar-free!
Customer: Never mind. Thank you for the smoothie.
Barista: You’re welcome, but lady, next time, can you come in a little earlier, so that I’m not in the middle of getting ready for closing?
MsBaristaGrindXO298
-- C.A. MacConnell
Letter from MsBaristaGrindXO298 to the F’n Rad Dating Site…
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
OHHHHHHHH. MrBarista777, me in shitter at work, read yer resposne on site hereyestereday, im no starbuck star like you, just a lowly bakery barstia, but no tim to write bk, gotta make cookie & sweep up kids cake icing & choco syrup all over floor fuckin toddler Peecassos. Just hit whip cream nitrous, Hahahahhhahahaha. Ahhahhahahahahahh. Livingon caramelnut brownies, cakepops, & drk choco espresso bean. Off at midnght. Marry u round 2am? Bak here 3am. Sry. Cya soon. XO, 777. Willwritesomeday but Hope you get my feels. Til then, Here’s my day….wait, nuther empty whip…lemme hit that nozzle again…. hahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah…ok, bak. Here’s an exacto transcript, my day…
Customer (approaching register with a walker, looking wet): Hello young lady! I'll have a coffee for here.
Barista: On the house. I'm so sorry you're a cripple.
Customer: What did you say? Wow, it's really raining out there!
Barista: Thank god, I love the rain.
Customer: Oh, that's nice, you do?
Barista: (smiling wide) Yeah, drives most people away from here.
Customer (furrowed brow): Well, that’s some greeting.
Barista (wiping her nose): Sorry, how’s this – how can I help you?
Customer: You know, you really shouldn't wipe your nose when you're greeting a customer. Very rude.
Barista: Oh, sorry, I just have this massive booger in there, just trying to dig it out. Hang on, let me see if I can get it and show you. Then you'll understand.
Customer (raising brows): ANYWAY, I think it’s about to storm out there.
Barista: Really? I should bring the tables in from outside. Or would you like to? You look like the kind of woman who could use a workout.
Customer: Funny.
Barista: No, I'm serious. Your arms are flabby as hell.
Customer: The nerve! But it's weird...it’s muggy inside here.
Barista: Yep, the windows are all steamy.
Customer: Is your A.C. broken?
Barista: Good guess. No, we're preparing the room for later when we turn this into a hot yoga studio.
Customer: Whoa, how is it you still work here?! Before I order, can I have change for a dollar?
Barista: Sure, just using me for change, eh?
Customer: Um, I’m gonna eat here.
Barista: Yeah, that's what they all say...
Customer: No really, I’m ready to order as soon as I get some change.
Barista: Ha! You're really good.
Customer: I'm serious! Can I have some change?
Barista: Not sure...now I feel kind of used, and I'm really not that kind of person anymore.
Customer: I will spend money here! Give me some change!
Barista (chomping gum): Let me go take my smoke break back out by the dumpster and think about this issue we're having, and we can talk it out in an hour or so, when we've had time to think it over and decide on a better course for our relationship.
Customer: Geez, never mind, I’ll take my chances on the ticket. You know, you really shouldn't chew gum while you're working. It's rude.
Barista: I know, so sorry. Here, (taking the gum out of her mouth and sticking it on the counter) will you hold on to this for me for later?
Customer (shrinking back): I'll have the usual.
Barista: I'm sorry, was that the latte, or the Italian soda?
Customer: It's the blueberry tea.
Barista: Oh, that's right, I had you confused with another fat cripple. We’re out of that tea.
Customer (making an "O" with her mouth) Ohhhhh, are those beautiful teapots for sale?
Barista (making an "O" with her mouth): Ohhhhh, NO.
Customer (looking right): Is that the health department here?
Barista: Probably.
Customer (shrugs): Oh, well, I'll have the soup.
Barista: You sure? Not sure what's in it. You ever watch that movie, Fried Green Tomatoes?
Customer: Forget the soup. I’ll have a smoothie.
Barista: Man, seriously?
Customer: What?
Barista: Oh, nothing, it's just that I just cleaned the blender. You know, disinfected it and everything for closing.
Customer: Won't you have to use it again? It's only 10 a.m.
Barista: Yeah, I usually start closing around 10 a.m. I like to be prepared. I'm a real go-getter.
Customer: Oh I see, well, can I get that smoothie anyway?
Barista: Hm, let’s see, sure, but if you want whipped cream, I'm sorry.
Customer: But doesn't that come with it?
Barista: Yeah, normally, but I already cleaned the whipped cream nozzle, and I don't want to get it dirty again. See, I'm nervous that I won't get everything done before 6.
Customer: Can I have a blackberry one?
Barista: Sure, as soon as I go down to the farmer's market and gather some blackberries for you, and then I have to stop behind our dumpster and have my smoke break. Right after that, it'll be right up.
Customer (rolling eyes): All right, well, strawberry?
Barista: Hm, I already put the strawberry mix away in the fridge, and it's buried behind all the iced teas...it's all packed in there perfectly. You should see it. Really, it's amazing I fit it all for closing every day. So would you mind banana? I think I can get to that.
Customer: Really, I want strawberry.
Barista: Hows about four berry, and we'll call it a day.
Customer: I guess that'll work.
Barista (starting the blender and shouting): Hey, you want a Diet Coke with this? I'm trying to get rid of those to fit the selzer in the fridge for closing.
Customer: It's 10 a.m.!
Barista: No doubt, but it'll get wild in here later. Here's your four berry! Enjoy!
Customer (taking smoothie): Um, yeah, thanks. Hey, do you have anything fat-free, or do you have the calories listed somewhere?
Barista: We have pastries. They are very, very fattening.
Customer: Oh, well, I'm just trying to watch my calorie intake.
Barista: I've got a Powerbar in my locker if you want it!
Customer: That's okay, I'm allergic to eggs and wheat. What would you suggest?
Barista (smiling wide): I've got another stick of gum in my pocket. Kinda old, but it's sugar-free!
Customer: Never mind. Thank you for the smoothie.
Barista: You’re welcome, but lady, next time, can you come in a little earlier, so that I’m not in the middle of getting ready for closing?
MsBaristaGrindXO298
-- C.A. MacConnell
Saturday, March 25, 2023
Success Story: MrBarista777
Hi daters! We have yet another match! MrBarista777 has written the F’n Rad Dating Site to inform us that he’s interested in MsBaristaGrindXO298! Alas, he didn’t have time to respond to her directly; however, he sent over this exact transcript of his day to let her know how well he communicates in relationships. Read and learn.
Letter from MrBarista777 to the F’n Rad Dating Site…
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
So jacked up on cold brew, caution wet floor signs up. Clean espresso machine, boss says scrape off crud. Get that fucking couple outta here I wanna go home. Maybe I’ll decapitate him with the mop, that’’l l get them gone. Gotta run, howam I gonnasleep all I ate allday was half a scone, gottachk sched, get some ZZZZzzsss b4 next shift. Just downed a leftover fucked up peppermint mocha. Damn I’m shaking, Xo. Hey, XO298, meet you at 3am. It’s llpm now, have to be back in at 4am. Lady, I have a doctorate marry me. No time to write, recorded my day to seal deal. Chk it out. CYOU at 3 hopng. CYA. OUT.
Customer: Hi, I'd like a coffee.
Barista: What size?
Customer: What size do you have?
Barista: Small, medium, large
Customer: I'd like a small.
Barista: Light or dark roast?
Customer: Light.
Barista: Hot or luke warm?
Customer: Um, hot.
Barista: With grounds in it or no grounds?
Customer (hands on hips): no grounds...
Barista: For here or to go?
Customer: To go.
Barista: Would you like it double-cupped?
Customer: Just give me my coffee?!
Barista: Would you like a sleeve? Some people don't want to waste the paper.
Customer: Yes, a sleeve! I'm in a hurry!
Barista: Sorry, did you say small?
Customer: Yes, small!
Barista: Okay, so small, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure?
Customer: How long have you worked here?
Barista: Okay, so small, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, and you are very nosy?
Customer (turning to leave): I'll just go down the street, never mind.
Barista: Wait, so that was small coffee, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, you are very nosy, and you are leaving?
Customer (turning back around): I have never had such poor service. How is it that you still work here?
Barista (writing on the cup): Let me just check again with you...small coffee, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, you are very nosy, and you aren't leaving yet because you're taking out your childhood angst on me?
Customer (walks out): I'm calling the manager.
Barista: Wait! Here's your coffee! Don't forget to tip me!
Customer: Whoa, it's like a sauna outside.
Barista: Want a hot chocolate?
Customer: Funny, I was thinking something refreshing, like an iced tea.
Barista: Hows about a scalding Americano?
Customer: Maybe I'll just have a bottle of water. Do you have that?
Barista: There's a special on extra hot lattes.
Customer: Do you really work here?
Barista: Couple months.
Customer: Seems like I've seen you longer. I'd like an iced tea.
Barista: What kind? We have 50 different kinds.
Customer: Really, what are they?
Barista: How about a milk steamer?
Customer: No, I want an iced tea.
Barista: Hm, you want ice in it?
Customer: Yes!
Barista: The ice is all stuck together. I'll have to go get my chisel and hammer it apart. How about a nice hot mocha while you're waiting?
Customer: It's raining cats and dogs out there.
Barista: I thought I saw lightning.
Customer: Hm, I haven't seen lightning.
Barista: Oh, that must've just been when I slammed the electrical cord in the fridge again, no worries.
Barista: Lady, can I take your glass? Or are you still working on that frap?
Customer: Still working on it.
Barista (grabbing across the table): How about your straw?
Customer: Still using it!
Barista (grabbing across the table): Your spoon? Doesn't look like you're using that.
Customer: I'm going to use it!
Barista (taking the napkin): Man! Relax, lady! Just trying to be helpful.
Customer: Before I go, can I add on one of those chocolate cupcakes you had yesterday?
Barista: We had those yesterday, not today. What we have is out on display.
Customer: Oh, bummer.
Barista: Yeah, sorry.
Customer: What about those chicken breakfast wraps?
Barista: Negative. What we have is on display.
Customer: Where's the display?
Barista: Oh fuck, I knew I forgot something this morning.
Customer: Can I have some water?
Barista: Sure, today it's free.
Customer: Isn't it always free?
Barista: For you, yes, because you are one hot damn hippie.
MrBarista777
-- C.A. MacConnell
Letter from MrBarista777 to the F’n Rad Dating Site…
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
So jacked up on cold brew, caution wet floor signs up. Clean espresso machine, boss says scrape off crud. Get that fucking couple outta here I wanna go home. Maybe I’ll decapitate him with the mop, that’’l l get them gone. Gotta run, howam I gonnasleep all I ate allday was half a scone, gottachk sched, get some ZZZZzzsss b4 next shift. Just downed a leftover fucked up peppermint mocha. Damn I’m shaking, Xo. Hey, XO298, meet you at 3am. It’s llpm now, have to be back in at 4am. Lady, I have a doctorate marry me. No time to write, recorded my day to seal deal. Chk it out. CYOU at 3 hopng. CYA. OUT.
Customer: Hi, I'd like a coffee.
Barista: What size?
Customer: What size do you have?
Barista: Small, medium, large
Customer: I'd like a small.
Barista: Light or dark roast?
Customer: Light.
Barista: Hot or luke warm?
Customer: Um, hot.
Barista: With grounds in it or no grounds?
Customer (hands on hips): no grounds...
Barista: For here or to go?
Customer: To go.
Barista: Would you like it double-cupped?
Customer: Just give me my coffee?!
Barista: Would you like a sleeve? Some people don't want to waste the paper.
Customer: Yes, a sleeve! I'm in a hurry!
Barista: Sorry, did you say small?
Customer: Yes, small!
Barista: Okay, so small, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure?
Customer: How long have you worked here?
Barista: Okay, so small, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, and you are very nosy?
Customer (turning to leave): I'll just go down the street, never mind.
Barista: Wait, so that was small coffee, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, you are very nosy, and you are leaving?
Customer (turning back around): I have never had such poor service. How is it that you still work here?
Barista (writing on the cup): Let me just check again with you...small coffee, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, you are very nosy, and you aren't leaving yet because you're taking out your childhood angst on me?
Customer (walks out): I'm calling the manager.
Barista: Wait! Here's your coffee! Don't forget to tip me!
Customer: Whoa, it's like a sauna outside.
Barista: Want a hot chocolate?
Customer: Funny, I was thinking something refreshing, like an iced tea.
Barista: Hows about a scalding Americano?
Customer: Maybe I'll just have a bottle of water. Do you have that?
Barista: There's a special on extra hot lattes.
Customer: Do you really work here?
Barista: Couple months.
Customer: Seems like I've seen you longer. I'd like an iced tea.
Barista: What kind? We have 50 different kinds.
Customer: Really, what are they?
Barista: How about a milk steamer?
Customer: No, I want an iced tea.
Barista: Hm, you want ice in it?
Customer: Yes!
Barista: The ice is all stuck together. I'll have to go get my chisel and hammer it apart. How about a nice hot mocha while you're waiting?
Customer: It's raining cats and dogs out there.
Barista: I thought I saw lightning.
Customer: Hm, I haven't seen lightning.
Barista: Oh, that must've just been when I slammed the electrical cord in the fridge again, no worries.
Barista: Lady, can I take your glass? Or are you still working on that frap?
Customer: Still working on it.
Barista (grabbing across the table): How about your straw?
Customer: Still using it!
Barista (grabbing across the table): Your spoon? Doesn't look like you're using that.
Customer: I'm going to use it!
Barista (taking the napkin): Man! Relax, lady! Just trying to be helpful.
Customer: Before I go, can I add on one of those chocolate cupcakes you had yesterday?
Barista: We had those yesterday, not today. What we have is out on display.
Customer: Oh, bummer.
Barista: Yeah, sorry.
Customer: What about those chicken breakfast wraps?
Barista: Negative. What we have is on display.
Customer: Where's the display?
Barista: Oh fuck, I knew I forgot something this morning.
Customer: Can I have some water?
Barista: Sure, today it's free.
Customer: Isn't it always free?
Barista: For you, yes, because you are one hot damn hippie.
MrBarista777
-- C.A. MacConnell
Thursday, March 16, 2023
Advertisement: Nip Tuck
Hi daters on the prowl! Please bear with us at the F'n Rad Dating site as we take in the millions of dating applications we've received lately! If you are single and looking, feel free to sift through the choice potential daters already listed on this site. Thank you for your patience. And now, a word from our sponsor...
A message from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...
Horse for Sale: Nip Tuck
5 y.o. Quarter horse/Morgan/Welsh Cross stallion, 14'3. A handy, hungry, brave hunter, B.S. Investments' Nip Tuck has been showing successfully in the 3' Large Pony Hunter division on the A-circuit. After having spent the winter licking up choice bran mashes at Wellington in Florida, Nip Tuck flew into Lexington to swallow all entries in the ring at Kentucky Indoors. Always a showstopper, Nip Tuck has proven to trample the class both over fences and on the flat, beating the top movers in the undersaddle classes in the entire country. Tuck has had only two bouts of stomach aches, thyroid issues, and severe colic symptoms per year. Once, good ol' Tuck went straight into the show ring with a twisted intestine and came out making manure like the best of the herd. Another time, after overdosing on grass, Tuck had foundered so badly that his front hooves were horizontal, and his bones were holding him up, and he still trooped into the jumper ring, and he later led the Pony Open Jumper class in Wilmington with a time of 50.4, winning the blue. Occasionally, Tuck has needed an oil and lube or a ride in the trailer to keep him alive, but other than that, he is sweet, gentle, and an extremely easy keeper. This pony only ingests one flake of grass hay per week, so the boarding cost is always at a minimum. No worries if the competition is looking fancy. Once Nip Tuck enters the ring, all of the other ponies suffocate. He is a proven winner through and through. And through. And through...
For more information on B.S. Investments' Nip Tuck, contact our 30-year veteran trainer, Priscilla Isabel Soundbury at 543-TUCK.
B.S. Investments
-- C.A. MacConnell
Monday, March 6, 2023
StyrofoamMan535
Letter from potential dater, StyrofoamMan535, to the F’n Rad Dating Site
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Without a doubt, I am the one.
There will be chills.
Gender: Male
Sexual Preference: Pansexual
Interested in: any other working genders holding coffee cups, office orgies
Religion: Satanism
Body Type: medium build, some small rolls due to donut consumption. In any work meeting, I am the close-shaven, clean-cut man in the back row along the wall, preferably near the closed blinds; I balance carefully, sitting with my chair tipped, expertly leaning on the back two legs. My relaxed appearance and positioning are key. Yes, I dress like any other working man, wearing business casual office attire, although on certain occasions, on the right front side of my starched, ironed shirt, there often appears a jagged, yellow trail that bears a striking resemblance to egg yolk, and my wrinkled khakis may be creepily baggy and slightly unkempt, appearing somewhat damp.
Hair: carefully placed, moist bedhead
But my appearance is no matter. What matters is what comes next...my slick moves, and the way I reveal my ever-so-subtle, demonic expertise.
Interests: at exactly ten minutes into any meeting, I release my true skill. Yes, perhaps we should call it a gift, an innate talent. Ever so slowly, I gently begin running my fingernail along the side of my Styrofoam coffee cup. And then, the real, torturous fun begins. With my thumb nail, I continue to cut into the cup, digging in for the long haul, soon becoming engrossed, making that scratchy, god-awful, spine-tingling, nail-against-Styrofoam sound for the duration of the meeting.
At first, you gaze around, but right at that moment, I skillfully pause, and you can't catch me.
When you look away, I begin sweating. Then, cunningly, with adept mastery, I continue making ultra-artistic patterns on my cup’s side with my fingernail, taking in the bitter sound, watching you squirm to the music of screaming infant seals. Grinning sideways, I then watch the heads around me begin to turn.
All over the room, confused, lost souls scan the meeting crowd, desperately looking for the source of the sound.
Perhaps you begin to glare my way again.
And then, all at once, you see my finger twitch, and you know it’s me, the genius King of Unrecyclable Art – nail digging into foam – both music and etching in one, a design of the devil, a chorus of horror.
Some of you won't be able to handle the pressure. As you feel the weakness, you think this: if I can't beat him, join him.
At last, you give in to the circus.
You begin running your nail along your own cup, and we create a little spine-tingling duet. Then we both receive evil-spirited looks.
And yet again, with precise timing, I pause.
And you get the blame.
Then, like me, you begin to feel like you could spend all day with that fucking cup.
Just think about the sound, the subtle terror. Gives you goose bumps.
And rest assured, after my choice maneuvers and competent display of thumb and index dexterity, more stares will come my way, and your way, and then another hell hound will join us, and another, and the followers will be endless, until we can't stop, and we won't stop, and all we want is more, more, more.
Contact info: listen close. Listen closer. Look around the room. I’m always there. Never forget the sound. Never, ever forget.
I will make your skin scream.
StyrofoamMan535
P.S. By the way, I'm single, and I like thunderstorms and long walks in the park.
-- C.A. MacConnell
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Without a doubt, I am the one.
There will be chills.
Gender: Male
Sexual Preference: Pansexual
Interested in: any other working genders holding coffee cups, office orgies
Religion: Satanism
Body Type: medium build, some small rolls due to donut consumption. In any work meeting, I am the close-shaven, clean-cut man in the back row along the wall, preferably near the closed blinds; I balance carefully, sitting with my chair tipped, expertly leaning on the back two legs. My relaxed appearance and positioning are key. Yes, I dress like any other working man, wearing business casual office attire, although on certain occasions, on the right front side of my starched, ironed shirt, there often appears a jagged, yellow trail that bears a striking resemblance to egg yolk, and my wrinkled khakis may be creepily baggy and slightly unkempt, appearing somewhat damp.
Hair: carefully placed, moist bedhead
But my appearance is no matter. What matters is what comes next...my slick moves, and the way I reveal my ever-so-subtle, demonic expertise.
Interests: at exactly ten minutes into any meeting, I release my true skill. Yes, perhaps we should call it a gift, an innate talent. Ever so slowly, I gently begin running my fingernail along the side of my Styrofoam coffee cup. And then, the real, torturous fun begins. With my thumb nail, I continue to cut into the cup, digging in for the long haul, soon becoming engrossed, making that scratchy, god-awful, spine-tingling, nail-against-Styrofoam sound for the duration of the meeting.
At first, you gaze around, but right at that moment, I skillfully pause, and you can't catch me.
When you look away, I begin sweating. Then, cunningly, with adept mastery, I continue making ultra-artistic patterns on my cup’s side with my fingernail, taking in the bitter sound, watching you squirm to the music of screaming infant seals. Grinning sideways, I then watch the heads around me begin to turn.
All over the room, confused, lost souls scan the meeting crowd, desperately looking for the source of the sound.
Perhaps you begin to glare my way again.
And then, all at once, you see my finger twitch, and you know it’s me, the genius King of Unrecyclable Art – nail digging into foam – both music and etching in one, a design of the devil, a chorus of horror.
Some of you won't be able to handle the pressure. As you feel the weakness, you think this: if I can't beat him, join him.
At last, you give in to the circus.
You begin running your nail along your own cup, and we create a little spine-tingling duet. Then we both receive evil-spirited looks.
And yet again, with precise timing, I pause.
And you get the blame.
Then, like me, you begin to feel like you could spend all day with that fucking cup.
Just think about the sound, the subtle terror. Gives you goose bumps.
And rest assured, after my choice maneuvers and competent display of thumb and index dexterity, more stares will come my way, and your way, and then another hell hound will join us, and another, and the followers will be endless, until we can't stop, and we won't stop, and all we want is more, more, more.
Contact info: listen close. Listen closer. Look around the room. I’m always there. Never forget the sound. Never, ever forget.
I will make your skin scream.
StyrofoamMan535
P.S. By the way, I'm single, and I like thunderstorms and long walks in the park.
-- C.A. MacConnell
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