This just in! At the F'n Rad Dating Site, we have just received a true, detailed, successful account, an exact text transcription, sent to us directly from our f'n rad daters, Suzy and Debbie. Watch how they nail it down through text. Read and learn.
(Suzy and Debbie, texting)
Suzy: Whaddup girl? ;) <3
Debbie: You hitting the club tnite? <3 Back at ya
Suzy: I'd like to club. <3 <3 Just shaved my head.
Debbie: You going? You get the back OK
Suzy: Sounds good. You’ll have to chk it.
Debbie: I’ll chk the club time.
Suzy: No, the head.
Debbie: OK, head later, I’m in. You going then? You meet me baldy woman
Suzy: haha At the club?
Debbie: I pick you up, Coco, you know
Suzy: Oh, role playin! Bring it on!
Debbie: I pick you up, Coco first
Suzy: Who's Coco, she coming to the club? She hot?
Debbie: Place down by the river.
Suzy: Her place down there? She coming?
Debbie: No coming. The place I pick you up. I miss u <3 <3
Suzy: She can’t come? Poor girl. Coco work at the club? Bet she got hair
Debbie: Coco, then club.
Suzy: You doin' Coco? Thought we were commit. I wear wig
Debbie: The Coco, I pick you up there.
Suzy: You don't have to pick me up. We lovers already.
Debbie: NO, I pick you up at Coco.
Suzy: YOu pick me up Coco house? Where that.
Debbie: Down by the river. Here google map. No wig
Suzy: I'm not into 3some. I’m not wigging. Just being honest.
Debbie: Dinner, Coco, by river, I pick you up, then club.
Suzy: Oh, I get it. I’m dessert. She's hotter. ANd she fem.
Debbie: NO. Straight up, love you, no hair, long hair.
Suzy: So you want both?
Debbie: Geez, I'll do Coco alone. I’ll just meet you later.
Suzy: At the club?
Debbie: Yeah, The Toy, like ten.
Suzy: I have to charge that one. :0
Debbie: No, sweetie. The club, The Toy, at ten.
Suzy: OH, OK. See you there. Check my head?
Debbie: I eat Coco, then you
-- C.A. MacConnell
Tuesday, January 31, 2023
Sunday, January 29, 2023
Dragon Ballz University
At the F'n Rad Dating Site, we've received numerous requests from our female daters...all are wondering how they can improve their education while continuing the partner hunt. We have heard your outcries! To answer your pleas for help, we have formed a unique partnership with Dragon Ballz University, and all f'n rad daters identifying as female are now eligible for a stipend to help with tuition! Read and consider applying today!
DRAGON BALLZ UNIVERSITY: PASSION, INNOVATION, CONVENIENCE, SKIN AND BONES, NO CLUTTER!
Misson Statement: Since time began, we at Dragon Ballz University have been steadfast in our mission. Indeed, we have a dream, a dream to educate not only the traditional resident student…but also…that’s right…women!
DBU leaders focus on enabling women to reach their educational goals without sacrificing making pancakes naked, changing diapers while maintaining perfect skin, creating all meals from scratch, ironing, riding horses, unloading the dishwasher, toning, and other important commitments of this future generation. We have specifically designed our course schedule for busy females with large, perky tits, teeny-tiny waists, swollen, bruised lips, and standout asses, and due to a recent government grant, our present enrollment has increased to more than five million!
Today, DBU offers courses in over 100 malls, beauty shops, and restaurants, as well as a select few groceries, gas stations, parks, alleys, horse farms, social media sites, and quickie marts.
A WORLD OF LEARNING!
-- The DBU programs are specifically formulated to meet the special scheduling needs of chicks, babes, cutiepies, sweethearts, bitches, hos, steady smilers, and sluts
-- Some classes meet in your own kitchen
-- Classes are offered in convenience stores, where you can buy milk, eggs, and cookies for your man
-- Instructors combine academic credentials with vacuuming skills
-- No one qualifies for financial assistance, preventing jealousy issues and bitch fights
-- Class size is limited to those women who are double-jointed or extremely flexible
-- Course materials, delivered directly to you by the DBU lawn boy, emphasize the blending of theory into practice
-- Program length varies from 2 to 9 months, depending on accidental fertilization
DYNAMITE!
-- Each core program is an established series of abdominal exercises with specific goals and outcomes
-- A variety of methods and “tools” are utilized in the classroom.
DRAGON BALLZ UNIVERSITY: PASSION, INNOVATION, CONVENIENCE, SKIN AND BONES, NO CLUTTER!
Misson Statement: Since time began, we at Dragon Ballz University have been steadfast in our mission. Indeed, we have a dream, a dream to educate not only the traditional resident student…but also…that’s right…women!
DBU leaders focus on enabling women to reach their educational goals without sacrificing making pancakes naked, changing diapers while maintaining perfect skin, creating all meals from scratch, ironing, riding horses, unloading the dishwasher, toning, and other important commitments of this future generation. We have specifically designed our course schedule for busy females with large, perky tits, teeny-tiny waists, swollen, bruised lips, and standout asses, and due to a recent government grant, our present enrollment has increased to more than five million!
Today, DBU offers courses in over 100 malls, beauty shops, and restaurants, as well as a select few groceries, gas stations, parks, alleys, horse farms, social media sites, and quickie marts.
A WORLD OF LEARNING!
-- The DBU programs are specifically formulated to meet the special scheduling needs of chicks, babes, cutiepies, sweethearts, bitches, hos, steady smilers, and sluts
-- Some classes meet in your own kitchen
-- Classes are offered in convenience stores, where you can buy milk, eggs, and cookies for your man
-- Instructors combine academic credentials with vacuuming skills
-- No one qualifies for financial assistance, preventing jealousy issues and bitch fights
-- Class size is limited to those women who are double-jointed or extremely flexible
-- Course materials, delivered directly to you by the DBU lawn boy, emphasize the blending of theory into practice
-- Program length varies from 2 to 9 months, depending on accidental fertilization
DYNAMITE!
-- Each core program is an established series of abdominal exercises with specific goals and outcomes
-- A variety of methods and “tools” are utilized in the classroom.
-- Participation is encouraged
-- Small and large group Pilates with hands-on male instructors
-- Projects relevant to cleaning and serving your man and your children, as well as all other children
-- Quality used, affordable, hard back textbooks
-- Free DBU pens and lined grocery list paper!
NO NONSENSE!
As demands on women have grown, men across the nation seek a better-trained female force. DBU has met that challenge! To learn how DBU can help you make this dream come true, please call. If someone named “Butch” answers, call back later, during the day.
DAY PROGRAM!
The day program is only available to a select few who garner substantial profit from the “night program.”
DREAM ON! YOU ARE…OR YOU WILL SOON BE…BEAUTIFUL!
Master’s Degrees
Chemistry: Looking Thirteen
Biology: Souffle Mastery, Dishwasher Maintenance
Philosophy: Swiffering, Wet and Dry
History: Origin of the Dust Buster
Business: Applied Management of Multiple Home Issues, Playtime
Fitness: Advanced Equestrian, Aerial Yoga, Hard Core Pilates
Bachelor’s Degrees
Science: Ingredients, Recipes, Lighting
Communications: Phone Interaction, Texting, Forwarding Memes
Fitness: Tennis, Curtain Making
Fitness: Sideline Foosball & Sideline Darts (available to those women with a higher GPA)
Associate degrees
Science: Frozen Foods, Canning
Skills: Home Living/TV Information Technology
Fitness: Dog Walking
Arts: Plant Watering, Shoveling the Litter Box: Clumping and Non-clumping
Minors
Non-invasive and Invasive Lip Plumping, Sandpaper Exfoliation, Line Erasing, Eyelash Extensions, Eyebrow Maintenance, and new… just in, we have a special class geared toward those with greater handicaps, taught by a former student turned professor, tentatively entitled this: "Tear Your Fucking Face Off."
Admissions Requirements
-- Body measurements, and you must weigh in upon arrival
-- Rosy cheeks acquired by pinching
-- Constant smiling, showing perfectly whitened teeth
-- Overall GPA of 1.9
-- Two years of full-time childcare experience while maintaining two full time jobs
-- Addition and Subtraction
-- Experience with sweeping (prerequisite for the Swiffer Master’s Program)
-- Instead of using your first name, you must replace it with this moniker: “Baby” Also acceptable: “Twig”
APPLY NOW!
WHY WOMEN ARE CHOOSING DRAGON BALLZ UNIVERSITY:
“The night program allowed me to pursue my master’s degree in Swiffering without leaving my family at a loss. Now our floors shine like the moon! And I've learned so many uses for the dust buster. I feel like a new woman. Convenient meeting times on the local streets, frequent hook-ups, and instructors who were ready to find me clients at any moment -- these were all necessary elements in continuing my education. I am so grateful to DBU!” — Lucy Smith, currently employed on the night shift with a former professor.
“DBU was just what I needed to get back on track. I have always dreamed of making a pretty curtain for my kitchen window. And I never thought I’d look thirteen while playing tennis with the ladies on the block, and now I can! With my B.A. in Tennis, and also my minor in Recipes, I am suddenly part of the cul-de-sac!” — Betty Johnson, two-time women’s club circuit tennis champion.
“My experience with DBU has been amazing! The group environment is something that I hold close to my heart, and the dog walking curriculum and group dog park field trips truly touched my soul! I never knew how to walk my dog before. I used to just let him out and tell him to pee, and then yell at him to come back in. Now, I go for long walks, and I talk to the other dog owners, and they are telling me I look so skinny, and now I love myself. I took some of my classes online, which was so convenient for the rainy days. The entire staff at DBU was so professional, and after I tore my fucking face off, I was always treated like a human.” — Suzanne “Leash” Rogers.
APPLY TODAY! REMEMBER TO SMILE! And when in doubt, always ask yourself this: what’s wrong with my face? Also, how can I look prepubescent forever? Here at DBU, we’re ready and willing to let you know, no holding back. Also ask yourself this: should I work my legs more today?
Ladies, no matter how busy your schedule at DBU might become, always, we repeat, always make sure to focus what needs to be altered. This just in! If you act now, you will automatically be enrolled in our innovative online seminar series called the following: "The Long Road to the Thigh Gap."
Classes forming now! 1-800-Dra-gonB
-- C.A. MacConnell
-- Small and large group Pilates with hands-on male instructors
-- Projects relevant to cleaning and serving your man and your children, as well as all other children
-- Quality used, affordable, hard back textbooks
-- Free DBU pens and lined grocery list paper!
NO NONSENSE!
As demands on women have grown, men across the nation seek a better-trained female force. DBU has met that challenge! To learn how DBU can help you make this dream come true, please call. If someone named “Butch” answers, call back later, during the day.
DAY PROGRAM!
The day program is only available to a select few who garner substantial profit from the “night program.”
DREAM ON! YOU ARE…OR YOU WILL SOON BE…BEAUTIFUL!
Master’s Degrees
Chemistry: Looking Thirteen
Biology: Souffle Mastery, Dishwasher Maintenance
Philosophy: Swiffering, Wet and Dry
History: Origin of the Dust Buster
Business: Applied Management of Multiple Home Issues, Playtime
Fitness: Advanced Equestrian, Aerial Yoga, Hard Core Pilates
Bachelor’s Degrees
Science: Ingredients, Recipes, Lighting
Communications: Phone Interaction, Texting, Forwarding Memes
Fitness: Tennis, Curtain Making
Fitness: Sideline Foosball & Sideline Darts (available to those women with a higher GPA)
Associate degrees
Science: Frozen Foods, Canning
Skills: Home Living/TV Information Technology
Fitness: Dog Walking
Arts: Plant Watering, Shoveling the Litter Box: Clumping and Non-clumping
Minors
Non-invasive and Invasive Lip Plumping, Sandpaper Exfoliation, Line Erasing, Eyelash Extensions, Eyebrow Maintenance, and new… just in, we have a special class geared toward those with greater handicaps, taught by a former student turned professor, tentatively entitled this: "Tear Your Fucking Face Off."
Admissions Requirements
-- Body measurements, and you must weigh in upon arrival
-- Rosy cheeks acquired by pinching
-- Constant smiling, showing perfectly whitened teeth
-- Overall GPA of 1.9
-- Two years of full-time childcare experience while maintaining two full time jobs
-- Addition and Subtraction
-- Experience with sweeping (prerequisite for the Swiffer Master’s Program)
-- Instead of using your first name, you must replace it with this moniker: “Baby” Also acceptable: “Twig”
APPLY NOW!
WHY WOMEN ARE CHOOSING DRAGON BALLZ UNIVERSITY:
“The night program allowed me to pursue my master’s degree in Swiffering without leaving my family at a loss. Now our floors shine like the moon! And I've learned so many uses for the dust buster. I feel like a new woman. Convenient meeting times on the local streets, frequent hook-ups, and instructors who were ready to find me clients at any moment -- these were all necessary elements in continuing my education. I am so grateful to DBU!” — Lucy Smith, currently employed on the night shift with a former professor.
“DBU was just what I needed to get back on track. I have always dreamed of making a pretty curtain for my kitchen window. And I never thought I’d look thirteen while playing tennis with the ladies on the block, and now I can! With my B.A. in Tennis, and also my minor in Recipes, I am suddenly part of the cul-de-sac!” — Betty Johnson, two-time women’s club circuit tennis champion.
“My experience with DBU has been amazing! The group environment is something that I hold close to my heart, and the dog walking curriculum and group dog park field trips truly touched my soul! I never knew how to walk my dog before. I used to just let him out and tell him to pee, and then yell at him to come back in. Now, I go for long walks, and I talk to the other dog owners, and they are telling me I look so skinny, and now I love myself. I took some of my classes online, which was so convenient for the rainy days. The entire staff at DBU was so professional, and after I tore my fucking face off, I was always treated like a human.” — Suzanne “Leash” Rogers.
APPLY TODAY! REMEMBER TO SMILE! And when in doubt, always ask yourself this: what’s wrong with my face? Also, how can I look prepubescent forever? Here at DBU, we’re ready and willing to let you know, no holding back. Also ask yourself this: should I work my legs more today?
Ladies, no matter how busy your schedule at DBU might become, always, we repeat, always make sure to focus what needs to be altered. This just in! If you act now, you will automatically be enrolled in our innovative online seminar series called the following: "The Long Road to the Thigh Gap."
Classes forming now! 1-800-Dra-gonB
-- C.A. MacConnell
Friday, January 27, 2023
MsShyStr8Shooter
Letter from potential dater, MsShyStr8Shooter, to the F’n Rad Dating Site
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
I hope no one calls.
Gender: female
Age: 40
My six brothers made me do this.
Interests: loofahs, frozen corn dogs, YouTube makeup, hunting albino tigers, Barbies, fly fishing, quilt making, foosball, Swiffering, boxing, making cookies, yard darts, crochet, thrash metal, aprons, pool halls, vacuuming, street dodgeball, facials, beer bongs, Poshmark, white water rafting, musicals, mud wrestling, spooning, high school reunion campouts, romance novels, sawed-off shotguns
Body type: some pouch, extra nipple
Interested in: marriage
Contact info: You’ll have to run it by the oldest, Meatcutter Mikey.
MsShyStr8Shooter
-- C.A. MacConnell
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
I hope no one calls.
Gender: female
Age: 40
My six brothers made me do this.
Interests: loofahs, frozen corn dogs, YouTube makeup, hunting albino tigers, Barbies, fly fishing, quilt making, foosball, Swiffering, boxing, making cookies, yard darts, crochet, thrash metal, aprons, pool halls, vacuuming, street dodgeball, facials, beer bongs, Poshmark, white water rafting, musicals, mud wrestling, spooning, high school reunion campouts, romance novels, sawed-off shotguns
Body type: some pouch, extra nipple
Interested in: marriage
Contact info: You’ll have to run it by the oldest, Meatcutter Mikey.
MsShyStr8Shooter
-- C.A. MacConnell
Wednesday, January 25, 2023
DOOGIEWAYTMI4U
Letter from potential dater, DOOGIEWAYTMI4U, to the F’n Rad Dating Site
January 25, 2023
F’n Rad Dating Site
cc: F’n Rad Daters, social media, MedChart, Monster, Netflix, National Geographic, WebMD, Uranus, Jupiter, and Orcus
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Greetings, Earth creatures! And those from space. And genius billionaires. XOXO. Usually, I don’t study dating sites or similar juvenile, archaic entertainment sources, but I needed to pass the hours until I could find the correct parts to continue working on my time machine. Wonderful to make your acquaintance. LMFAO. The full intention of this official mating letter is to produce offspring as soon as possible. Hopefully, you are ready for the act of fertilization. For many semesters, I have studied the uterus, and I'm ecstatic about my findings; I would be thrilled to discuss the research with you! For exactly 22 days, I’ve been studying and dissecting your photo collages. HA, LOSR. Currently, I’m calculating the ratio, length, and width of the pictures. TTYL. According to recent measurements, everything anatomical seems to be working well for a small cross section of certain specimens. If you are deemed to be correctly proportional, you will produce high quality, intelligent offspring. Age is an important factor. If you are in the geriatric phase of life (past 25 years old), we would have to mate without delay. ROFL. I’m the epitome of health, and all of my organs have been tested repeatedly. Recently, I urinated, and it was the appropriate color, and during the process, there was no pain. IDK. Also, earlier, I produced a solid bowel movement, and I rushed it to the lab to be dissected; a team of scientists made sure that my nutrient levels were correct. IRL, I hope that we can discuss feelings. This increases stimulation and brain functioning when meeting new humans. Following, we can have a cerebral relationship for two weeks. I read that this is the appropriate time span for discussion. According to the flow charts and graphs, friendship and feelings come first. According to the books, we should then discuss the relationship more. Finally, the mating process is necessary to make sure that the sperm and egg reach fertilization. ILYPOOPIEHEAD. Now I have to renew my system, so I will ingest the proper food groups and produce saliva. We will meet on a day when the molecules in the air are all in order. I'm looking forward to studying you, but truthfully, I’m relieved that you’re not here right now. I have some fetal pigs in my refrigerator that I’m keeping for the lab. LOL, srsly.
Name: DOOGIEWAYTMI4U
Age: 25
Interested in: Napoleon Dynamite, Doogie Howser, Angelina Jolie
Interests: I enjoy eating chalk, due to the mineral content.
Looking for: Since I currently have a penis, as well as two perfectly formed testicles, I am seeking a nonbinary person with a fully intact vagina, preferably one with long, thick hair, sharp vision, flawless skin, large mammary glands, one who has been affected long term by correct nutrition, as recent studies show this makes for an extremely fertile being. Preferably, I will attract someone with a strong uterus, a strong bladder, and someone who is unique, intelligent, and somewhat animalistic in nature. I think that this combination would produce the most well-balanced litter of humans. If that sounds like you, after some testing, we could meet in the lab and see if we are a match. SWEET.
Hair: Black, long, I wear it back in a pony tail to attract those of female origin. CMOVR.
Eyes: Brown. You must have 20/20 vision. I have a weak gene in the eye department. NVM.
Body type: I am the correct weight for my height, according to the charts. You probably will only want to reproduce with me in the Spring. BTW, I am hoping that your eggs are healthy and in working order.
Favorite movies: Recently, I viewed the original Avatar for the 10th time. While watching, I painted my face bluish purple and conducted a study on Pandora’s reaction to another alien’s presence in the environment. LOL. TTYS.
Occupation: I attend many universities. I have a PHD in BioChemistry and Neuroscience. In order to become more balanced, I’m working on a PHD in English Literature as well. I finished high school at the age of ten, but I continue attending classes, because I think I have the best chance of survival on Earth if I know as much information as possible. If we venture into the dating environs, we might have to journey into affordable ecosystems, as I am currently on unemployment, and I have an average of one million in student loans, although it used to be one million ten thousand. OMGBIDENRULES.
Contact Info: There are hidden messages in water. SOWHATIFHESHOARDINGDOCUMENTS. Each snowflake represents different patterns, and the combinations of patterns are limitless. It is a great mystery of science. However, phone number patterns are more readily available. And I have fifteen email addresses, so the odds of discovering my email and phone number are in your favor. HEHASGERMANSHEPHERDS. Or if you travel to Kroger or similar food processing establishments, I will probably be there dressed as one of the people of Pandora. HMU. What’s your ETA? Please make sure to be well-hydrated. EVERYONELOVESDOGS.
Religion: ILYEVENIFYOUARESATAN.
I have included a photo of my avatar. LMK what you think. OMW as I write,
DOOGIEWAYTMI4U
-- C.A. MacConnell
January 25, 2023
F’n Rad Dating Site
cc: F’n Rad Daters, social media, MedChart, Monster, Netflix, National Geographic, WebMD, Uranus, Jupiter, and Orcus
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Greetings, Earth creatures! And those from space. And genius billionaires. XOXO. Usually, I don’t study dating sites or similar juvenile, archaic entertainment sources, but I needed to pass the hours until I could find the correct parts to continue working on my time machine. Wonderful to make your acquaintance. LMFAO. The full intention of this official mating letter is to produce offspring as soon as possible. Hopefully, you are ready for the act of fertilization. For many semesters, I have studied the uterus, and I'm ecstatic about my findings; I would be thrilled to discuss the research with you! For exactly 22 days, I’ve been studying and dissecting your photo collages. HA, LOSR. Currently, I’m calculating the ratio, length, and width of the pictures. TTYL. According to recent measurements, everything anatomical seems to be working well for a small cross section of certain specimens. If you are deemed to be correctly proportional, you will produce high quality, intelligent offspring. Age is an important factor. If you are in the geriatric phase of life (past 25 years old), we would have to mate without delay. ROFL. I’m the epitome of health, and all of my organs have been tested repeatedly. Recently, I urinated, and it was the appropriate color, and during the process, there was no pain. IDK. Also, earlier, I produced a solid bowel movement, and I rushed it to the lab to be dissected; a team of scientists made sure that my nutrient levels were correct. IRL, I hope that we can discuss feelings. This increases stimulation and brain functioning when meeting new humans. Following, we can have a cerebral relationship for two weeks. I read that this is the appropriate time span for discussion. According to the flow charts and graphs, friendship and feelings come first. According to the books, we should then discuss the relationship more. Finally, the mating process is necessary to make sure that the sperm and egg reach fertilization. ILYPOOPIEHEAD. Now I have to renew my system, so I will ingest the proper food groups and produce saliva. We will meet on a day when the molecules in the air are all in order. I'm looking forward to studying you, but truthfully, I’m relieved that you’re not here right now. I have some fetal pigs in my refrigerator that I’m keeping for the lab. LOL, srsly.
Name: DOOGIEWAYTMI4U
Age: 25
Interested in: Napoleon Dynamite, Doogie Howser, Angelina Jolie
Interests: I enjoy eating chalk, due to the mineral content.
Looking for: Since I currently have a penis, as well as two perfectly formed testicles, I am seeking a nonbinary person with a fully intact vagina, preferably one with long, thick hair, sharp vision, flawless skin, large mammary glands, one who has been affected long term by correct nutrition, as recent studies show this makes for an extremely fertile being. Preferably, I will attract someone with a strong uterus, a strong bladder, and someone who is unique, intelligent, and somewhat animalistic in nature. I think that this combination would produce the most well-balanced litter of humans. If that sounds like you, after some testing, we could meet in the lab and see if we are a match. SWEET.
Hair: Black, long, I wear it back in a pony tail to attract those of female origin. CMOVR.
Eyes: Brown. You must have 20/20 vision. I have a weak gene in the eye department. NVM.
Body type: I am the correct weight for my height, according to the charts. You probably will only want to reproduce with me in the Spring. BTW, I am hoping that your eggs are healthy and in working order.
Favorite movies: Recently, I viewed the original Avatar for the 10th time. While watching, I painted my face bluish purple and conducted a study on Pandora’s reaction to another alien’s presence in the environment. LOL. TTYS.
Occupation: I attend many universities. I have a PHD in BioChemistry and Neuroscience. In order to become more balanced, I’m working on a PHD in English Literature as well. I finished high school at the age of ten, but I continue attending classes, because I think I have the best chance of survival on Earth if I know as much information as possible. If we venture into the dating environs, we might have to journey into affordable ecosystems, as I am currently on unemployment, and I have an average of one million in student loans, although it used to be one million ten thousand. OMGBIDENRULES.
Contact Info: There are hidden messages in water. SOWHATIFHESHOARDINGDOCUMENTS. Each snowflake represents different patterns, and the combinations of patterns are limitless. It is a great mystery of science. However, phone number patterns are more readily available. And I have fifteen email addresses, so the odds of discovering my email and phone number are in your favor. HEHASGERMANSHEPHERDS. Or if you travel to Kroger or similar food processing establishments, I will probably be there dressed as one of the people of Pandora. HMU. What’s your ETA? Please make sure to be well-hydrated. EVERYONELOVESDOGS.
Religion: ILYEVENIFYOUARESATAN.
I have included a photo of my avatar. LMK what you think. OMW as I write,
DOOGIEWAYTMI4U
-- C.A. MacConnell
Tuesday, January 24, 2023
Success Story: Bobby and Cindy
This just in! At the F'n Rad Dating Site, we have yet another success story to share with you, and we have proof. Here's a true account sent directly from our f'n rad daters, Bobby and Cindy.
(Bobby and Cindy, texting)
Bobby: Whadup grl u crazy. Sendn me all those UTubes. I'm gonna get canned.
Cindy: I no craze. Me yer girl that make you craze. You'll never get can. No one wants that job.
Bobby: LOL. Ur so write. But that damn dog penis one you sent. Never seen one so BIG. Jesus C.
Cindy: Bored at the car wash, Booby.
Bobby: Yer a real Hymen Way.
Cindy: We go to movie tonight or you twerk late?
Bobby: Which one. Don't make me c Shade o Grey.
Cindy: was thinking Carol.
Bobby: Girl on girl. I dig.
Cindy: It's an art movie, you jerk.
Bobby: Whatev. Sounds grape.
Cindy: What wrg. U sound distract. Did I dew something?
Bobby: Me balance on bench. Top of high rise. With hard hat on
Bobby: And Bill's here
Cindy: But U always R upside down. Did I do soemthing?
Bobby: Relax, it's just lunch and Bill didn't get the meatball sub thru window, you know
Cindy: That guys :0
Bobby: Tell me about it. Yesterday, he stab a pigeon.
Cindy: Are you srs? U need new job.
Bobby: No hi rise window washer likes pigeons, but com on.
Cindy: I like pigens.
Bobby: How could you like pigons. They shit on me all day.
Cindy: I like the coo. Cute.
Bobby: Jimmy John just showed up at the 44th floor, Thank god.
Cindy: Well I got Donna and her nose picking at the office.
Bobby: We should hook em up
Cindy: Made 4 each other
Bobby: Pigeons and snot. Shit and snot. ROFL.
Cindy: Are we going to the movie or what? Your always so distracted.
Bobby: Hang on, Bill's leaning on the...
Cindy: Bobby?
Bobby: Shit, I'll have to get back, I'm hangin from the 44th flr.
Cindy: Tell the truth.
Bobby: Srsly, I'm about to die! F***
Cindy: Whatev, you tried this when I want to see Danish Girl.
Bobby: Baby, I only got 3 fingers on a rope and...
Cindy: TTYL
-- C.A. MacConnell
(Bobby and Cindy, texting)
Bobby: Whadup grl u crazy. Sendn me all those UTubes. I'm gonna get canned.
Cindy: I no craze. Me yer girl that make you craze. You'll never get can. No one wants that job.
Bobby: LOL. Ur so write. But that damn dog penis one you sent. Never seen one so BIG. Jesus C.
Cindy: Bored at the car wash, Booby.
Bobby: Yer a real Hymen Way.
Cindy: We go to movie tonight or you twerk late?
Bobby: Which one. Don't make me c Shade o Grey.
Cindy: was thinking Carol.
Bobby: Girl on girl. I dig.
Cindy: It's an art movie, you jerk.
Bobby: Whatev. Sounds grape.
Cindy: What wrg. U sound distract. Did I dew something?
Bobby: Me balance on bench. Top of high rise. With hard hat on
Bobby: And Bill's here
Cindy: But U always R upside down. Did I do soemthing?
Bobby: Relax, it's just lunch and Bill didn't get the meatball sub thru window, you know
Cindy: That guys :0
Bobby: Tell me about it. Yesterday, he stab a pigeon.
Cindy: Are you srs? U need new job.
Bobby: No hi rise window washer likes pigeons, but com on.
Cindy: I like pigens.
Bobby: How could you like pigons. They shit on me all day.
Cindy: I like the coo. Cute.
Bobby: Jimmy John just showed up at the 44th floor, Thank god.
Cindy: Well I got Donna and her nose picking at the office.
Bobby: We should hook em up
Cindy: Made 4 each other
Bobby: Pigeons and snot. Shit and snot. ROFL.
Cindy: Are we going to the movie or what? Your always so distracted.
Bobby: Hang on, Bill's leaning on the...
Cindy: Bobby?
Bobby: Shit, I'll have to get back, I'm hangin from the 44th flr.
Cindy: Tell the truth.
Bobby: Srsly, I'm about to die! F***
Cindy: Whatev, you tried this when I want to see Danish Girl.
Bobby: Baby, I only got 3 fingers on a rope and...
Cindy: TTYL
-- C.A. MacConnell
Sunday, January 22, 2023
MelonHoneyDewYou
At the F'n Rad Dating Site, we are sad to say that things just didn't work out between daters, DaManDaMutt12345 and MelonHoneyDewYou, but we ARE excited to let you know that Melon is now single again! Here's her most recent bio.
Letter from potential dater, MelonHoneyDewYou, to the F’n Rad Dating Site
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Hey, y’all.
Well, I’ll beeee.
Put your play pretties away. Dear Lord, I reckon I’ve got a story like you never heard before, or at least one you could tell your Mama when she’s drunker than a skunk and wearing her housecoat to the Family Dollar.
Truth, y’all.
So, my Uncle Billy’s telling me I have to find me a good man, else I’m gonna get called a thornback around these parts. So, I get my sights set on seeing this skater. I know, I know, always a skater. I been down these roads before, and I hang on to the wheel real tight on the gravel, but I keep on making the wrong turns somewhere near the Dairy Queen.
Pawn my word and honor, he’s from out east, and where I come from, these boys are super popular and worth a shot at the ring. Or after they clock out, they might give you a ride to see the Monster Trucks and the bulls. Truth, y’all, I never had a curly fry as good as the ones at the rodeo.
This boy goes by DaManDaMutt12345, but all growing up, word around town is that his real name is totally Fred, and I’m rolling my eyes at his family history, because I know he’s sorrier than a cougar that fell off Noah’s ark, but I meet him in Newport, which is where my ancestors came in on horseback, so my Grandpa says when he’s spitting tobacco, and the juice falls all over the porch so bad the steps is a shit-brown creek. So, I catch a good look at DaMutt because I’m sipping my Sunkist Orange slow-like, and I’m hornier than my Daddy when he’s on unemployment, because I just had one of those Brazilian waxes across the river, and my pussy’s hotter than a roasting pig.
Weeelllll…I take one look at DaMutt falling about, and I know he's never struck a lick at nothin. But I’m hungrier than a dying baby on the tit, and we’re aiming to pick up a dozen White Castles, but we git there, and let me tell you, that meat’s ruint.
Y’all, -- git this…his shit-brown Hyundai totally ain’t working right because some lowlife soaped the windows so we couldn’t see nothing better than a semi on the downhill runoff in a blizzard at sunset. Then the car starts blowing smoke, and I’m fixin’ to get a new monarch butterfly tattoo on my belly like my cousin’s, and the reason I hate it later is because I’m burning through those supersize bags of generic Lucky Charms, which you can shake and make an instrument out of for the family bluegrass band, and my belly is growing so much Grandma took me and my first cousin removed to the clinic last week. Holy Mary mother of God, soon that tat is going to look like one of them pterodactyls we learned about at the grammar school. But I don’t believe in them dinosaurs, because once, my Aunt Jewel threw me in the bathtub, and the neighbor Sally called the 241-KIDS line ‘cause I almost drowned, but my Aunt Jewel baptized me right then and there, wrapped me up in a quilt, and then taught me all about Jesus and creation, and Sally, Aunt Jewel, and the whole family torched our old couch in the burn pit, and we fired up the barbecue, and Daddy played his banjo, and we was singin’ ‘til sunrise.
Anyways, Lord, by then, the Hyundai is on fire, so I tear on over to the dealership by myself, because my man is off in the recording studio, so he says, but really, he’s ain’t doing nothing but swallowing pills and playing video games, and right about then, you know I want to tan his hide, so, Holy Moses, I decide to hit Wal-Mart and look for some Draino for my brother, the best plumber in town, but I get lost down by the Check ‘n Go because the flames are blocking my view, and then I come upon some holler I ain’t never seen before, and y’all, no lie, it’s rough on those hills. You can’t even get a four-wheeler in there.
But me and my sisters never stopped at nothin’. Land no.
Praise the Holy Spirit, I finally find the dealership, and on the way in, I hit this mountain curb, and the car goes sideways, like a jackhammer ride at the county fair, and I hear this like “pop, pop, pop” and I ain’t talking Rice Krispies, but I barrel race into a parking space like it’s an everyday thang, and I get out of the car and look back at it, which takes a while since I have my sister’s crop top on, when I realize that the Hyundai is leaning like the outhouse during a twister, and I know my man might make me listen to Phil Collins mixes for the rest of my hard-earned days if I don’t get to fixin’ it. Right then, Bob, my Daddy’s friend from preschool, helps me check in while some hairspray lady from the westside tells me everything will smooth out like a flat iron, so I stick my tongue down her throat in the bathroom, but no lie, she is totally the icebox type, and when she pulls back, I say, “Ma’am, you’re crazier than a best bug.” While we’re smoking Kentucky’s Best shorts, I fire up some Alabama on my phone, and everyone in the whole place is impressed by my barn dance, so they give me the employee discount, and then service writer Bob wants to hit me, so we throw down right there in the parts department, and it’s one prize winning pony show, and we git ‘er done.
But later, feeling guiltier than a dog who lifted his leg on Mamaw’s party dress, I make a gum of everything. I go and tell my man the whole story fresh out of Bob’s bed. And after, my man takes a spell, and I think he might give me a good lickin’, and I think, I’ll be damned if I try to knock down that hornet’s nest again.
I ain’t tellin’ tall stories. I’m getting to the whole point of this right here and now – that Mutt’s never gonna rope this calf, and y’all, now I’m single, about to die like a spinster, hail Jesus.
Weelllll, I’ll beee.
Name: MelonHoneyDewYou
Sex: All woman
Age: 29
Body Type: voluptuous
Hair: Red, blonde, black
Eyes: green or brown contacts
Piercings/Tattoos: Land yes
Interested in: Men, Women, country music, broncos, cricks, bluegrass, eyebrows, eyelashes, rolling tobacco, Country Buffet, Dairy Queen, Weight Watchers
Career: graveyard landscaping
Religion: Christian
Other interests: skinny men with snakes, food, piercing my cheeks, Marilyn Monroe, horror films, vintage dresses, rockabilly, skulls, shootin’ squirrels
I ain’t lyin. ‘Nuther thang…don’t pluck out all my eyebrows lady at the salon I’m goin’ ta kill you beeotch.
MelonHoneyDewYou
-- C.A. MacConnell
Letter from potential dater, MelonHoneyDewYou, to the F’n Rad Dating Site
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Hey, y’all.
Well, I’ll beeee.
Put your play pretties away. Dear Lord, I reckon I’ve got a story like you never heard before, or at least one you could tell your Mama when she’s drunker than a skunk and wearing her housecoat to the Family Dollar.
Truth, y’all.
So, my Uncle Billy’s telling me I have to find me a good man, else I’m gonna get called a thornback around these parts. So, I get my sights set on seeing this skater. I know, I know, always a skater. I been down these roads before, and I hang on to the wheel real tight on the gravel, but I keep on making the wrong turns somewhere near the Dairy Queen.
Pawn my word and honor, he’s from out east, and where I come from, these boys are super popular and worth a shot at the ring. Or after they clock out, they might give you a ride to see the Monster Trucks and the bulls. Truth, y’all, I never had a curly fry as good as the ones at the rodeo.
This boy goes by DaManDaMutt12345, but all growing up, word around town is that his real name is totally Fred, and I’m rolling my eyes at his family history, because I know he’s sorrier than a cougar that fell off Noah’s ark, but I meet him in Newport, which is where my ancestors came in on horseback, so my Grandpa says when he’s spitting tobacco, and the juice falls all over the porch so bad the steps is a shit-brown creek. So, I catch a good look at DaMutt because I’m sipping my Sunkist Orange slow-like, and I’m hornier than my Daddy when he’s on unemployment, because I just had one of those Brazilian waxes across the river, and my pussy’s hotter than a roasting pig.
Weeelllll…I take one look at DaMutt falling about, and I know he's never struck a lick at nothin. But I’m hungrier than a dying baby on the tit, and we’re aiming to pick up a dozen White Castles, but we git there, and let me tell you, that meat’s ruint.
Y’all, -- git this…his shit-brown Hyundai totally ain’t working right because some lowlife soaped the windows so we couldn’t see nothing better than a semi on the downhill runoff in a blizzard at sunset. Then the car starts blowing smoke, and I’m fixin’ to get a new monarch butterfly tattoo on my belly like my cousin’s, and the reason I hate it later is because I’m burning through those supersize bags of generic Lucky Charms, which you can shake and make an instrument out of for the family bluegrass band, and my belly is growing so much Grandma took me and my first cousin removed to the clinic last week. Holy Mary mother of God, soon that tat is going to look like one of them pterodactyls we learned about at the grammar school. But I don’t believe in them dinosaurs, because once, my Aunt Jewel threw me in the bathtub, and the neighbor Sally called the 241-KIDS line ‘cause I almost drowned, but my Aunt Jewel baptized me right then and there, wrapped me up in a quilt, and then taught me all about Jesus and creation, and Sally, Aunt Jewel, and the whole family torched our old couch in the burn pit, and we fired up the barbecue, and Daddy played his banjo, and we was singin’ ‘til sunrise.
Anyways, Lord, by then, the Hyundai is on fire, so I tear on over to the dealership by myself, because my man is off in the recording studio, so he says, but really, he’s ain’t doing nothing but swallowing pills and playing video games, and right about then, you know I want to tan his hide, so, Holy Moses, I decide to hit Wal-Mart and look for some Draino for my brother, the best plumber in town, but I get lost down by the Check ‘n Go because the flames are blocking my view, and then I come upon some holler I ain’t never seen before, and y’all, no lie, it’s rough on those hills. You can’t even get a four-wheeler in there.
But me and my sisters never stopped at nothin’. Land no.
Praise the Holy Spirit, I finally find the dealership, and on the way in, I hit this mountain curb, and the car goes sideways, like a jackhammer ride at the county fair, and I hear this like “pop, pop, pop” and I ain’t talking Rice Krispies, but I barrel race into a parking space like it’s an everyday thang, and I get out of the car and look back at it, which takes a while since I have my sister’s crop top on, when I realize that the Hyundai is leaning like the outhouse during a twister, and I know my man might make me listen to Phil Collins mixes for the rest of my hard-earned days if I don’t get to fixin’ it. Right then, Bob, my Daddy’s friend from preschool, helps me check in while some hairspray lady from the westside tells me everything will smooth out like a flat iron, so I stick my tongue down her throat in the bathroom, but no lie, she is totally the icebox type, and when she pulls back, I say, “Ma’am, you’re crazier than a best bug.” While we’re smoking Kentucky’s Best shorts, I fire up some Alabama on my phone, and everyone in the whole place is impressed by my barn dance, so they give me the employee discount, and then service writer Bob wants to hit me, so we throw down right there in the parts department, and it’s one prize winning pony show, and we git ‘er done.
But later, feeling guiltier than a dog who lifted his leg on Mamaw’s party dress, I make a gum of everything. I go and tell my man the whole story fresh out of Bob’s bed. And after, my man takes a spell, and I think he might give me a good lickin’, and I think, I’ll be damned if I try to knock down that hornet’s nest again.
I ain’t tellin’ tall stories. I’m getting to the whole point of this right here and now – that Mutt’s never gonna rope this calf, and y’all, now I’m single, about to die like a spinster, hail Jesus.
Weelllll, I’ll beee.
Name: MelonHoneyDewYou
Sex: All woman
Age: 29
Body Type: voluptuous
Hair: Red, blonde, black
Eyes: green or brown contacts
Piercings/Tattoos: Land yes
Interested in: Men, Women, country music, broncos, cricks, bluegrass, eyebrows, eyelashes, rolling tobacco, Country Buffet, Dairy Queen, Weight Watchers
Career: graveyard landscaping
Religion: Christian
Other interests: skinny men with snakes, food, piercing my cheeks, Marilyn Monroe, horror films, vintage dresses, rockabilly, skulls, shootin’ squirrels
I ain’t lyin. ‘Nuther thang…don’t pluck out all my eyebrows lady at the salon I’m goin’ ta kill you beeotch.
MelonHoneyDewYou
-- C.A. MacConnell
Saturday, January 21, 2023
Success Story: Sue and Bill
At the F’n Rad Dating Site, we realize that in today’s society, some daters rely on text alone. Today, we have a special treat! A first-hand recording of the success of two F’n Rad daters, Sue and Bill. Here is a transcript of their most recent text relationship. Read and learn...
(Sue and Bill, texting)
Sue: Hyi. !!! ;;;;666^^^^
Bill: What up, girl. been waiting for u to get back me for like 3 days. three days and 2 hours. We had that heavy convo and then nothing from you for three days. WTF princess.
Sue: :)
Bill: I knew somethings up. You never send smiley's. Tell me whats up.
Sue: :0
Bill: OH, now scared face. That's just like you, spreading anxiety like disease.
Sue: ;)
Bill: Oh, hi winky, now you're cute. For a yr, I been trying here and seems like I'm only one in this relationship. been like that this whole time. can't do it anymore. tired of games.
Sue: <3
Bill: Oh right, now you trying reel me back in. Back and forth, pick one way or other. I been to therapy. I been to doctor, and I took care of back hair and rash. i been through all this for u, and now all you do is use cutesy hearts to try suck me in again? Why don't you send fuckin unicorn and leprechaun too? Well, it won't work this time. lucky charm bull shit.
Sue: :-*
Bill: Now that's low. a heart is one thing, but a kissy? Wtf, hows about you take look at YOU for once? U U ALWAYS BLAMING EVRLYTHG ON WAY I KISS. CAN'T HELP IT IF THEY LEFT MY BRACES ON TO LONG. just the way I learned to kiss. back then, we had to wear headgears too. had to wear the fucking thing to school, and THEY ALL called me Short Circuit until COLLEGE. i kiss the best I can. Will it ever be good enough?
Sue: &
Bill: Aw, girl, now you wannna superpretzel or some shit? You think I'm Mr. Moneybags? Everytime we go to the movies, you buy like $50 million snacks.
Sue: :) $$$
Bill: OK, move on, find a sugar daddy. I want someone who loves me who I am. We're done. DONE!
Sue: What u mean we dun? My daughter got hold horse of phone. Oh, so u brake up w/ me over text? Now that's the beanest thing anyone ever do to me. In front of my lil girl two. At least wait pill I'm house.
Bill: :-* I knew you'd come around. Leave you. Should I pick you up at heaven?
Sue: Better cake it do later.
Bill: Meant love you, Betty
Sue: Who the fuck is Betty? ARe u seein someone else? wish you'd just be straight up.
Bill: I think I love you is pretty straight up. I meant Baby.
Sue: Yeah, that's what they all say. Even Betty.
Bill: Dude, I'm driving I better go to leave. I'm gonna crash.
Sue: :)
Bill: You happy I'm gonna crash? What's that all abt? So passive-aggression
Sue: It's a frowny on my phone. You know what, I'm tired of this BS. You always doubt me. You never trust me.
Bill: <3 I love you.
Sue: Was that for me or Betty?
Bill: That's it, we're done.
Sue: I oven you.
Bill: There is no Betty. There is no one but ukelele.
-- C.A. MacConnell
(Sue and Bill, texting)
Sue: Hyi. !!! ;;;;666^^^^
Bill: What up, girl. been waiting for u to get back me for like 3 days. three days and 2 hours. We had that heavy convo and then nothing from you for three days. WTF princess.
Sue: :)
Bill: I knew somethings up. You never send smiley's. Tell me whats up.
Sue: :0
Bill: OH, now scared face. That's just like you, spreading anxiety like disease.
Sue: ;)
Bill: Oh, hi winky, now you're cute. For a yr, I been trying here and seems like I'm only one in this relationship. been like that this whole time. can't do it anymore. tired of games.
Sue: <3
Bill: Oh right, now you trying reel me back in. Back and forth, pick one way or other. I been to therapy. I been to doctor, and I took care of back hair and rash. i been through all this for u, and now all you do is use cutesy hearts to try suck me in again? Why don't you send fuckin unicorn and leprechaun too? Well, it won't work this time. lucky charm bull shit.
Sue: :-*
Bill: Now that's low. a heart is one thing, but a kissy? Wtf, hows about you take look at YOU for once? U U ALWAYS BLAMING EVRLYTHG ON WAY I KISS. CAN'T HELP IT IF THEY LEFT MY BRACES ON TO LONG. just the way I learned to kiss. back then, we had to wear headgears too. had to wear the fucking thing to school, and THEY ALL called me Short Circuit until COLLEGE. i kiss the best I can. Will it ever be good enough?
Sue: &
Bill: Aw, girl, now you wannna superpretzel or some shit? You think I'm Mr. Moneybags? Everytime we go to the movies, you buy like $50 million snacks.
Sue: :) $$$
Bill: OK, move on, find a sugar daddy. I want someone who loves me who I am. We're done. DONE!
Sue: What u mean we dun? My daughter got hold horse of phone. Oh, so u brake up w/ me over text? Now that's the beanest thing anyone ever do to me. In front of my lil girl two. At least wait pill I'm house.
Bill: :-* I knew you'd come around. Leave you. Should I pick you up at heaven?
Sue: Better cake it do later.
Bill: Meant love you, Betty
Sue: Who the fuck is Betty? ARe u seein someone else? wish you'd just be straight up.
Bill: I think I love you is pretty straight up. I meant Baby.
Sue: Yeah, that's what they all say. Even Betty.
Bill: Dude, I'm driving I better go to leave. I'm gonna crash.
Sue: :)
Bill: You happy I'm gonna crash? What's that all abt? So passive-aggression
Sue: It's a frowny on my phone. You know what, I'm tired of this BS. You always doubt me. You never trust me.
Bill: <3 I love you.
Sue: Was that for me or Betty?
Bill: That's it, we're done.
Sue: I oven you.
Bill: There is no Betty. There is no one but ukelele.
-- C.A. MacConnell
Friday, January 20, 2023
MaxBowWowDownToYou
Letter from potential dater, MaxBowWowDownToYou, to the F’n Rad Dating Site
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Hello sssweethearts. As I’m a canine by label, I’ve been working on this letter for an extended time. I fully desire for these words to be completely accurate, and since we have sssomewhat of a language barrier, I found some assistance with the translation. Recently, I made a bone deal with the Pit Bull down the street; he is more accustomed to human talk, since he now lives with an affluent family, but I still plan on staying on his good side. Before he was adopted, he did some time in the fight rings, and although I find that lifestyle repulsive, I respect the fact that he could easily find my jugular.
Anyhow, I apologize profusely for the wait. And I sincerely hope that you won’t dismiss me due to my inherited underbite.
Let me wriggle out of my neck scarf and greet you properly. Last week, for hours, I studied a snake in the grass, and he taught me how to slither out of things. The large owner lady often ties the neck scarf too snugly, and she forgets that I’m a creature who could suffocate easily, but I am quite the intellectual, and I have a certain talent for escaping such childish decorations.
Just a moment, I have an itch.
Rest assured that it’s not a flea, but rather, a result of frequent elite skin care and high-end shampooing. Know that I’m on an expensive, strict, monthly medication regimen, including dental stix, heartworm pills, and my specialized treats keep my small bladder and bowels consistent. Although recently, I admit that I had a taste of some rotisserie chicken, but now the pancreatitis is under control.
Perhaps we have met. I’ve seen many female humans in the hall and each time, I furiously wag my tail, and when they scratch my ears, I can’t help but lose control of my right leg, and the twitching is maddening. On special occasions, I see other female humans out in the yard. Each time, I feel that there is something ssspecial between us. If I were being honest, I’d say that I’d like to chase you across the sidewalks of the world; however, I promise, even if your anus smelled interesting, I would not ever harm you, although I’m quite the sssssavage hunter.
I will wait for you. Chasing is for those who are less evolved than I. Sometimes, a bark without the bite is sufficient.
Manners are extremely important, and I would only leap on top of your dinner table if you invited me there.
If it were my choice, and it rarely is, for I’m not a movie ssstar like Benji or Lassie (who I greatly respect), rather, I’m just an everyday mutt with an underbite, but if it were up to me, I’d be wearing a fedora. Numerous times, I’ve attempted to express to the large owner lady that I’m a classy dog, but she drinks too many Manhattans, and she doesn’t hear me. She talks to me, but she never listens. Often, that is the case with owners. Alas, it’s not entirely negative, however, living with her. We both enjoy gazing at the amusing characters on the television, and I don’t understand them, and I don’t think she does either, but it makes for a fine evening.
I admit that I’m rather fatigued from my extended morning walk. I’m somewhat lacking in the exercise area. Although, yesterday, I enjoyed eating part of a dead opossum. I think I might have known the fellow too, but once a wild creature is deceased, we in the kingdom realize a dead rodent is no more than a community buffet. Simply, I was outside, and I was supposed to be doing my business for my owner lady, who is always telling me to hurry up, but then I spied the fresh meat, and I couldn’t help myself. Chewed right on the mid-section, as well as the foot…and possibly an intestine. Now my breath is so offensive, I am desperately in need of one of those teeth-cleaning biscuitssss.
Don’t be alarmed.
The large owner lady will give me one around afternoon time, when she starts drinking. I enjoy the moments when she drinks, because she often forgets to be concerned for my welfare, and she feeds me twice. I admit that I’m not muscular, and I’m no Cujo, but I’m incredibly fast, and my small legs move with a speed akin to a cheetah.
Perhaps, if you’re free this weekend, we can enjoy a stroll through the square. Know that I’d never take you to the dog park. That is for the plebeian dogs, and I’m on a whole other level. I know we’re from different species, but with this letter, I am sssaying that some of you have the best tails I’ve ever seen.
I considered including my most recent photo; however, it did not show my best angle, and my teeth were protruding, and I admit I was ssssslightly constipated, so with all things considered, this letter must suffice to offer a fair representation of my loyal, true, patient perssssonality.
Name: MaxBowWowDownToYou
Age: 10
Gender: Neutered
Body Type: Long and lean in summer, a few extra pounds in winter, smooth fur, soft nose. My studded collar brings out the curves in my neck. Know that even with my dental issues, I rarely drool.
Eyes: Round, watery, googly, black.
Tattoos/piercings: No/that poodle from the bad yards tried to convince me that piercing the penis might be a new trend for mutts, but I don’t care how much I adored humping that curly-haired princess, some things are sssacred.
Interests: Yards, biscuits, fedoras, snacks, slow cats, the mail person, knocks on the door, my loud big owner lady, grooming days, and one day, I hope and dream the vet will fix my underbite, but for now, I accept who I am, all of me, and I am sssatisfied. I tend to urinate in the back yard, rather than the front. Although it is technically my territory, perhaps you could join me.
Looking for: I have always been one to reach for the higher goals, such as newspapers and pizzas on countertops. I suppose that is why I am only interested in female humans. I prefer those unconcerned with leashes. <3 <3 <3 😉 <3 <3 <3….jjjkklll,,,a.ah;lkehitel;awaankeatiela’lsovueakyeireouare?areiwoa; reiwo;sssswwww8543uiui. 😊 Sorry about that last sentence. My left, lesssss accurate paw accidentally struck the keys. In addition, I am in need of a toenail trim.
Last year, I enjoyed romantic walks with a dachshund, but she was a little lacking in the conversation area. And when I licked her, she tasted like cheap perfume, and it was a royal catastrophe. In conclusion, I prefer you and your strange skins, but I don’t feel that clothing is necessary.
Contact Info: Meet you around the time when the mail person comes.
I must leave you now. My owner wants me to go outside for a BM. And I have my eye on a certain robin redbreast. I find squirrels to be ssssomewhat anxiety-provoking, don’t you?
MaxBowWowDownToYou
-- C.A. MacConnell
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Hello sssweethearts. As I’m a canine by label, I’ve been working on this letter for an extended time. I fully desire for these words to be completely accurate, and since we have sssomewhat of a language barrier, I found some assistance with the translation. Recently, I made a bone deal with the Pit Bull down the street; he is more accustomed to human talk, since he now lives with an affluent family, but I still plan on staying on his good side. Before he was adopted, he did some time in the fight rings, and although I find that lifestyle repulsive, I respect the fact that he could easily find my jugular.
Anyhow, I apologize profusely for the wait. And I sincerely hope that you won’t dismiss me due to my inherited underbite.
Let me wriggle out of my neck scarf and greet you properly. Last week, for hours, I studied a snake in the grass, and he taught me how to slither out of things. The large owner lady often ties the neck scarf too snugly, and she forgets that I’m a creature who could suffocate easily, but I am quite the intellectual, and I have a certain talent for escaping such childish decorations.
Just a moment, I have an itch.
Rest assured that it’s not a flea, but rather, a result of frequent elite skin care and high-end shampooing. Know that I’m on an expensive, strict, monthly medication regimen, including dental stix, heartworm pills, and my specialized treats keep my small bladder and bowels consistent. Although recently, I admit that I had a taste of some rotisserie chicken, but now the pancreatitis is under control.
Perhaps we have met. I’ve seen many female humans in the hall and each time, I furiously wag my tail, and when they scratch my ears, I can’t help but lose control of my right leg, and the twitching is maddening. On special occasions, I see other female humans out in the yard. Each time, I feel that there is something ssspecial between us. If I were being honest, I’d say that I’d like to chase you across the sidewalks of the world; however, I promise, even if your anus smelled interesting, I would not ever harm you, although I’m quite the sssssavage hunter.
I will wait for you. Chasing is for those who are less evolved than I. Sometimes, a bark without the bite is sufficient.
Manners are extremely important, and I would only leap on top of your dinner table if you invited me there.
If it were my choice, and it rarely is, for I’m not a movie ssstar like Benji or Lassie (who I greatly respect), rather, I’m just an everyday mutt with an underbite, but if it were up to me, I’d be wearing a fedora. Numerous times, I’ve attempted to express to the large owner lady that I’m a classy dog, but she drinks too many Manhattans, and she doesn’t hear me. She talks to me, but she never listens. Often, that is the case with owners. Alas, it’s not entirely negative, however, living with her. We both enjoy gazing at the amusing characters on the television, and I don’t understand them, and I don’t think she does either, but it makes for a fine evening.
I admit that I’m rather fatigued from my extended morning walk. I’m somewhat lacking in the exercise area. Although, yesterday, I enjoyed eating part of a dead opossum. I think I might have known the fellow too, but once a wild creature is deceased, we in the kingdom realize a dead rodent is no more than a community buffet. Simply, I was outside, and I was supposed to be doing my business for my owner lady, who is always telling me to hurry up, but then I spied the fresh meat, and I couldn’t help myself. Chewed right on the mid-section, as well as the foot…and possibly an intestine. Now my breath is so offensive, I am desperately in need of one of those teeth-cleaning biscuitssss.
Don’t be alarmed.
The large owner lady will give me one around afternoon time, when she starts drinking. I enjoy the moments when she drinks, because she often forgets to be concerned for my welfare, and she feeds me twice. I admit that I’m not muscular, and I’m no Cujo, but I’m incredibly fast, and my small legs move with a speed akin to a cheetah.
Perhaps, if you’re free this weekend, we can enjoy a stroll through the square. Know that I’d never take you to the dog park. That is for the plebeian dogs, and I’m on a whole other level. I know we’re from different species, but with this letter, I am sssaying that some of you have the best tails I’ve ever seen.
I considered including my most recent photo; however, it did not show my best angle, and my teeth were protruding, and I admit I was ssssslightly constipated, so with all things considered, this letter must suffice to offer a fair representation of my loyal, true, patient perssssonality.
Name: MaxBowWowDownToYou
Age: 10
Gender: Neutered
Body Type: Long and lean in summer, a few extra pounds in winter, smooth fur, soft nose. My studded collar brings out the curves in my neck. Know that even with my dental issues, I rarely drool.
Eyes: Round, watery, googly, black.
Tattoos/piercings: No/that poodle from the bad yards tried to convince me that piercing the penis might be a new trend for mutts, but I don’t care how much I adored humping that curly-haired princess, some things are sssacred.
Interests: Yards, biscuits, fedoras, snacks, slow cats, the mail person, knocks on the door, my loud big owner lady, grooming days, and one day, I hope and dream the vet will fix my underbite, but for now, I accept who I am, all of me, and I am sssatisfied. I tend to urinate in the back yard, rather than the front. Although it is technically my territory, perhaps you could join me.
Looking for: I have always been one to reach for the higher goals, such as newspapers and pizzas on countertops. I suppose that is why I am only interested in female humans. I prefer those unconcerned with leashes. <3 <3 <3 😉 <3 <3 <3….jjjkklll,,,a.ah;lkehitel;awaankeatiela’lsovueakyeireouare?areiwoa; reiwo;sssswwww8543uiui. 😊 Sorry about that last sentence. My left, lesssss accurate paw accidentally struck the keys. In addition, I am in need of a toenail trim.
Last year, I enjoyed romantic walks with a dachshund, but she was a little lacking in the conversation area. And when I licked her, she tasted like cheap perfume, and it was a royal catastrophe. In conclusion, I prefer you and your strange skins, but I don’t feel that clothing is necessary.
Contact Info: Meet you around the time when the mail person comes.
I must leave you now. My owner wants me to go outside for a BM. And I have my eye on a certain robin redbreast. I find squirrels to be ssssomewhat anxiety-provoking, don’t you?
MaxBowWowDownToYou
-- C.A. MacConnell
Tuesday, January 17, 2023
Success Story: DaManDaMutt12345
We here at the F'n Rad Dating Site like to share when a match proves to be successful. Congratulations, dater! Here's a follow-up letter from our F'n Rad Dater, DaManDaMutt12345
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Suck me, date world. Now I’m scoring, so I’m out. Here’s the history: so, I rode my board down to the Levee, ‘cause my Hyundai was over at the shop getting the lube, and I swore to the Big Fat Man in the Sky that the super sloth mechanic was never gonna get it done. Motherfucker was cracked out on goddamn Lucky Charms or some shit, but he did score me a fast-food deal on my skull tat gettin done, so while I was waiting for a century, I went to get inked, and now the damn skull looks more like that alien from the Flintstones. You know, that green mofo. I told that tattoo dick I wanted a scaryass skull with blood and daggers and shit, and I ended up with some cartoon fuckin' head. Cracked us up at first ‘cause we were so loaded, but then I came back to Earth and puked, and I was like dayum, this shit’s not gonna rub off, you know wha I’m sayin? Guess I’m gonna have to put fuckin' Wilma and Fred on there too.
So, I huffed it on down to the Levee, and I had sweat rings the size of Uranus, but I was packing some twenties from a choice alley deal with some crazy mofo circus clown. So, since I still had my balls, and I was Richie Rich from the skunk, I thought I might get me some of that Tilapia at the Levee fish joint for once, ‘cause I love that special tartar they scoop out, but then I went to Distractedland, because there were some choice ponies hanging out by movie ticket central, holy fuck. Since I swallowed some candy earlier, stupid me had a panic attack, and I swear I could’ve coughed up a loogie the size of a hot air balloon.
Nobody was home on my face. But I just played it chill. What sucked was that there was some competition – some showoff motherfucker with a boa constrictor, and he was acting cool and calling all the kids over to pet it. So, things got heated in my guts, and I thought about Dragonslaying his ass right then and there, and I guess he came from the zoo, but I was so pissed he was stealing my action. I thought about going for the jugular, but then I ducked around the corner and got tanked and meditated on the situation.
Then I came back to stare at the snake, ’cause by then I thought it was freaky too, and I think I hurled, and I took my shirt off just to let the snake bro and the choice ladies know I was cut and lean. I admit I was getting bored and missing my cable, when this one choice chick comes up to me and gets right in my sun. Alls I could see was her melons, and she wasn’t skinny, but I dropped my board and thought, Dayum, this Melon is stacked.
My eyes were getting slitty from being up all night on da live chat, and I was getting freaked out by some graffiti, when Melon took me across the street to bang me right then and there. I knew we might make a puppy. Then we scored some free popcorn from my cuz at the movie central, and we had us some girly princess Dreamweaver talk about our moms, my two girls, the boys, double stuff cookies, and the twins out in Goshen. Melon likes that Creamy Deluxe icing shit, so we bonded on that action, and I got a little carried away being me, and it got so real I thought a priest might show right up and tell us we were sharing names and shit. Just to cool things down, I pulled out my ghetto blaster from my backpack, and I showed her some of my happy performance art skate moves, and I played the Phil Collins, and she started fucking crying.
So then I knew -- this bitch is for real. I love this canteloupe.
So don’t give up, even if you’re an introvert fat boy or about to kill someone, ’cause here’s what happened…me and Melon stole some Wild Turkey, then took the piss central Metro to ride around the city for no reason, and when we get the Hyundai back, we'll take all the kids on over to the park and have playtime swinging until we can’t feel our asses, and it'll be one big Happy Meal. Hey, where the fuck is dat clown ass creepyface Ron McDonald? Man, he was one freaky mother, and you got to wonder if he's locked up or surfing some porn.
But let’s be real about all this action – if you get some bitch in at the site, and she's super smokin', just look me up on da live chat, 'cause me and Melon might be up for some Party of Three.
You know wha I'm sayin,
DaManDaMutt12345
-- C.A. MacConnell
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Suck me, date world. Now I’m scoring, so I’m out. Here’s the history: so, I rode my board down to the Levee, ‘cause my Hyundai was over at the shop getting the lube, and I swore to the Big Fat Man in the Sky that the super sloth mechanic was never gonna get it done. Motherfucker was cracked out on goddamn Lucky Charms or some shit, but he did score me a fast-food deal on my skull tat gettin done, so while I was waiting for a century, I went to get inked, and now the damn skull looks more like that alien from the Flintstones. You know, that green mofo. I told that tattoo dick I wanted a scaryass skull with blood and daggers and shit, and I ended up with some cartoon fuckin' head. Cracked us up at first ‘cause we were so loaded, but then I came back to Earth and puked, and I was like dayum, this shit’s not gonna rub off, you know wha I’m sayin? Guess I’m gonna have to put fuckin' Wilma and Fred on there too.
So, I huffed it on down to the Levee, and I had sweat rings the size of Uranus, but I was packing some twenties from a choice alley deal with some crazy mofo circus clown. So, since I still had my balls, and I was Richie Rich from the skunk, I thought I might get me some of that Tilapia at the Levee fish joint for once, ‘cause I love that special tartar they scoop out, but then I went to Distractedland, because there were some choice ponies hanging out by movie ticket central, holy fuck. Since I swallowed some candy earlier, stupid me had a panic attack, and I swear I could’ve coughed up a loogie the size of a hot air balloon.
Nobody was home on my face. But I just played it chill. What sucked was that there was some competition – some showoff motherfucker with a boa constrictor, and he was acting cool and calling all the kids over to pet it. So, things got heated in my guts, and I thought about Dragonslaying his ass right then and there, and I guess he came from the zoo, but I was so pissed he was stealing my action. I thought about going for the jugular, but then I ducked around the corner and got tanked and meditated on the situation.
Then I came back to stare at the snake, ’cause by then I thought it was freaky too, and I think I hurled, and I took my shirt off just to let the snake bro and the choice ladies know I was cut and lean. I admit I was getting bored and missing my cable, when this one choice chick comes up to me and gets right in my sun. Alls I could see was her melons, and she wasn’t skinny, but I dropped my board and thought, Dayum, this Melon is stacked.
My eyes were getting slitty from being up all night on da live chat, and I was getting freaked out by some graffiti, when Melon took me across the street to bang me right then and there. I knew we might make a puppy. Then we scored some free popcorn from my cuz at the movie central, and we had us some girly princess Dreamweaver talk about our moms, my two girls, the boys, double stuff cookies, and the twins out in Goshen. Melon likes that Creamy Deluxe icing shit, so we bonded on that action, and I got a little carried away being me, and it got so real I thought a priest might show right up and tell us we were sharing names and shit. Just to cool things down, I pulled out my ghetto blaster from my backpack, and I showed her some of my happy performance art skate moves, and I played the Phil Collins, and she started fucking crying.
So then I knew -- this bitch is for real. I love this canteloupe.
So don’t give up, even if you’re an introvert fat boy or about to kill someone, ’cause here’s what happened…me and Melon stole some Wild Turkey, then took the piss central Metro to ride around the city for no reason, and when we get the Hyundai back, we'll take all the kids on over to the park and have playtime swinging until we can’t feel our asses, and it'll be one big Happy Meal. Hey, where the fuck is dat clown ass creepyface Ron McDonald? Man, he was one freaky mother, and you got to wonder if he's locked up or surfing some porn.
But let’s be real about all this action – if you get some bitch in at the site, and she's super smokin', just look me up on da live chat, 'cause me and Melon might be up for some Party of Three.
You know wha I'm sayin,
DaManDaMutt12345
-- C.A. MacConnell
Monday, January 16, 2023
DudeWheresMyHead1678
A letter from potential dater, DudeWheresMyHead1678, to the F’n Rad Dating Site:
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Hi! Hi! Hi! OKAY, HERE WE GO, YOU READY? YOU READY FOR THIS?
You better be ready, baby fat wussy. That’s right, it’s time for you to get off your blimp butt and MOVE! TIME FOR YOU TO FEEL THE BURN! Life is pain, pussies! That’s why we’re alive, to sweat it out, to move it or lose it, you weak masses of cow dung (hang on, let me adjust my headset volume…okay, there we go) SO GET READY, because there’s no turning back now, Michelin Men and LardAss Women! You can get rid of that extra tire, and the spare too, if you just take that first step into the workout room. That’s all it takes -- one small effort, and then you’re on your way, you poor wimpy sacks of shit. Work it until you throw up or die! Or just throw up and then you won’t have to work it so much! Work it until you piss your pants and pop blood vessels in your eyes! One, two, three, four, stay with me!
Everyone can date ME, if you put your minds to it! That’s right, there’s a party in my PANTS and it’s reserved for YOU! We’ll start with crunches, lunges, and drinking straight flax seed oil. No sugar ever, Pillsbury Dough Boys, unless you are drinking highly caffeinated drinks which help your routine. I am so ready to PUMP YOU. Hi! Here we go, time to get your heart rate moving and do some reps with someone who knows his routine! And I mean every routine, all positions.
OK, settle down for the downhill. So glad you made it to view my profile. I just went to this seminar on building your trapezoids, and I can’t wait to meet you in the flesh and see your muscles. Right now, I’m hopping off the treadmill, feeling dizzy, pumping iron, doing squats, and drinking a protein shake. Later, I will do the master cleanse which involves not eating for a week except for cayenne pepper and only drinking lemon juice and then you take a bunch of laxatives and go get disemboweled by a colon expert and then you feel so energized all of a sudden you are like made of nothing but PURE LEAN MASS and well I’d tell you more but I have to move on to my Pilates and Yoga routine, which is three hours long, so I don’t need to do my strength and toning today because I teach kickboxing and boot camp at the gym later and that should take care of it don’t you think!?
Hi! Sorry if got a little wordy here. Just started back on the PyroxyCut and the steroids, so it’s making me a little runny as well as hyper, which is an interesting combo, but it’s worth it! Are you WORTH IT? Play hard or GO HOME! Here we go, you ready for this, or would you rather wear a tent? Do it all the way, just do it, do it until your heart pumps out of your chest and lands in some ancient Aztec dude’s hand so he doesn’t even have to cut it out of you! You’re a walking human sacrifice! (I just saw that on the Discovery Channel while I was on the stationary bike). Give it all! Feel the pain and keep going even when you’re in the grave! Even if it hurts, even if you need amputation or complex bypass surgery, it’s worth it. Don’t ever stop. Hi! I hope we can meet up, bust out a power walk, and then do some leg curls and push-ups at the park and maybe hit the movies for a rest before the Nia class at the Y. I’m not usually into that lightweight dance, but I need to stretch my calves, and after training for this marathon, I really need some of that gay action! Okay! Here we go! Let’s kill those fat rolls, flatten them with a steamroller or a rolling pin. Even better, take someone out with the kettle ball! Hi!
I know my delts need work. See, I can be sensitive. Hi! SCREW THE LIMITATIONS, LIFE IS ABOUT COMPETITION! Okay, it might seem like I might not be able to move my arms to kiss and hold any of you, but ever since I’ve been working on my downward dogs, now I can reach forward an inch and someday, I think we’ll get there. I won’t GIVE UP until I find that pleasure knob puncher you got hiding, YOU BET! Okay, I’d put pictures here, but my sponsors might drop my tight ass. Hit the gym, you wrinkled vaginas and limp dicks! Hi!
Name: DudeWheresMyHead1678
Occupation: construction, nude model, stripper
Gender: MALE
Interested in: Okay, here we go, I am looking for a workout partner/lover. We can combine the two, save time, work our inner thighs together in the sauna and still stick with our workout plan. That would be…Hi!…and then we could hit the energy bars and creatine, so let’s get this blood pumping party started!
Interests: lean meat, counting calories, whey shakes, protein bars, raw eggs, supplements, gyms, rec centers, karate, soccer, weight lifting, running, kickboxing, yoga, swimming, spinning, body competitions, football, tennis, wrestling, diet plans, barbells, basketball, hockey, nutrition stores, step aerobics, nia, strength and tone, ephedrine, bench presses, thunderstorms, long power walks, machines, tango, tanning beds, and Viagra. Hi! MORE!
Favorite TV shows: Grey’s Anatomy. I can cry too. Rock hard!
Children: I keep trying
Tattoos/Piercings: Yes/Yes, one of each, but I can’t seem to find them anymore.
Age: no answer
Hair: Long, brownish grey
Eyes: Hi!
Contact Info: I keep my pager stuffed in my bikini underpants at all times, which fills me out and also vibrates, which takes care of two problems. I’m very interested in saving time and energy and TAKING THINGS TO THE MAX! Okay, here we go. Thanks for coming out to check out my Bio!! I am so hard, you could drop a bowling ball on my chest and watch it bounce. I did it once, and then I did it again, because I forgot I did it the first time. YOU READY FOR THIS?
After you read this routine Bio, remember to stretch. Hi!
DudeWhere’sMyHead1678
-- C.A. MacConnell
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Hi! Hi! Hi! OKAY, HERE WE GO, YOU READY? YOU READY FOR THIS?
You better be ready, baby fat wussy. That’s right, it’s time for you to get off your blimp butt and MOVE! TIME FOR YOU TO FEEL THE BURN! Life is pain, pussies! That’s why we’re alive, to sweat it out, to move it or lose it, you weak masses of cow dung (hang on, let me adjust my headset volume…okay, there we go) SO GET READY, because there’s no turning back now, Michelin Men and LardAss Women! You can get rid of that extra tire, and the spare too, if you just take that first step into the workout room. That’s all it takes -- one small effort, and then you’re on your way, you poor wimpy sacks of shit. Work it until you throw up or die! Or just throw up and then you won’t have to work it so much! Work it until you piss your pants and pop blood vessels in your eyes! One, two, three, four, stay with me!
Everyone can date ME, if you put your minds to it! That’s right, there’s a party in my PANTS and it’s reserved for YOU! We’ll start with crunches, lunges, and drinking straight flax seed oil. No sugar ever, Pillsbury Dough Boys, unless you are drinking highly caffeinated drinks which help your routine. I am so ready to PUMP YOU. Hi! Here we go, time to get your heart rate moving and do some reps with someone who knows his routine! And I mean every routine, all positions.
OK, settle down for the downhill. So glad you made it to view my profile. I just went to this seminar on building your trapezoids, and I can’t wait to meet you in the flesh and see your muscles. Right now, I’m hopping off the treadmill, feeling dizzy, pumping iron, doing squats, and drinking a protein shake. Later, I will do the master cleanse which involves not eating for a week except for cayenne pepper and only drinking lemon juice and then you take a bunch of laxatives and go get disemboweled by a colon expert and then you feel so energized all of a sudden you are like made of nothing but PURE LEAN MASS and well I’d tell you more but I have to move on to my Pilates and Yoga routine, which is three hours long, so I don’t need to do my strength and toning today because I teach kickboxing and boot camp at the gym later and that should take care of it don’t you think!?
Hi! Sorry if got a little wordy here. Just started back on the PyroxyCut and the steroids, so it’s making me a little runny as well as hyper, which is an interesting combo, but it’s worth it! Are you WORTH IT? Play hard or GO HOME! Here we go, you ready for this, or would you rather wear a tent? Do it all the way, just do it, do it until your heart pumps out of your chest and lands in some ancient Aztec dude’s hand so he doesn’t even have to cut it out of you! You’re a walking human sacrifice! (I just saw that on the Discovery Channel while I was on the stationary bike). Give it all! Feel the pain and keep going even when you’re in the grave! Even if it hurts, even if you need amputation or complex bypass surgery, it’s worth it. Don’t ever stop. Hi! I hope we can meet up, bust out a power walk, and then do some leg curls and push-ups at the park and maybe hit the movies for a rest before the Nia class at the Y. I’m not usually into that lightweight dance, but I need to stretch my calves, and after training for this marathon, I really need some of that gay action! Okay! Here we go! Let’s kill those fat rolls, flatten them with a steamroller or a rolling pin. Even better, take someone out with the kettle ball! Hi!
I know my delts need work. See, I can be sensitive. Hi! SCREW THE LIMITATIONS, LIFE IS ABOUT COMPETITION! Okay, it might seem like I might not be able to move my arms to kiss and hold any of you, but ever since I’ve been working on my downward dogs, now I can reach forward an inch and someday, I think we’ll get there. I won’t GIVE UP until I find that pleasure knob puncher you got hiding, YOU BET! Okay, I’d put pictures here, but my sponsors might drop my tight ass. Hit the gym, you wrinkled vaginas and limp dicks! Hi!
Name: DudeWheresMyHead1678
Occupation: construction, nude model, stripper
Gender: MALE
Interested in: Okay, here we go, I am looking for a workout partner/lover. We can combine the two, save time, work our inner thighs together in the sauna and still stick with our workout plan. That would be…Hi!…and then we could hit the energy bars and creatine, so let’s get this blood pumping party started!
Interests: lean meat, counting calories, whey shakes, protein bars, raw eggs, supplements, gyms, rec centers, karate, soccer, weight lifting, running, kickboxing, yoga, swimming, spinning, body competitions, football, tennis, wrestling, diet plans, barbells, basketball, hockey, nutrition stores, step aerobics, nia, strength and tone, ephedrine, bench presses, thunderstorms, long power walks, machines, tango, tanning beds, and Viagra. Hi! MORE!
Favorite TV shows: Grey’s Anatomy. I can cry too. Rock hard!
Children: I keep trying
Tattoos/Piercings: Yes/Yes, one of each, but I can’t seem to find them anymore.
Age: no answer
Hair: Long, brownish grey
Eyes: Hi!
Contact Info: I keep my pager stuffed in my bikini underpants at all times, which fills me out and also vibrates, which takes care of two problems. I’m very interested in saving time and energy and TAKING THINGS TO THE MAX! Okay, here we go. Thanks for coming out to check out my Bio!! I am so hard, you could drop a bowling ball on my chest and watch it bounce. I did it once, and then I did it again, because I forgot I did it the first time. YOU READY FOR THIS?
After you read this routine Bio, remember to stretch. Hi!
DudeWhere’sMyHead1678
-- C.A. MacConnell
Sunday, January 15, 2023
Asking the Father-in-law's Permission
At the F’n Rad Dating Site, we are aware that many people are terrified to ask their future father-in-law for permission to marry their partner. And rightly so. Sometimes, the father-in-law can be passive aggressive, downright dangerous, shit-faced, a loose cannon, or simply, a complete asshole. No matter how close the potential partner may be with the father-in-law, the moment of asking is always somewhat horrific…
The father-in-law could embarrass the potential dater -- say no, say nothing at all (leaving the person lost, confused, and horny as all hell), or…the father-in-law may pull out his boxing/karate moves, a revolver, a hacksaw, his prized college baseball bat, the closest kitchen knife and/or hammer, a random (middle drawer, garage storage cabinet) screwdriver, or a sawed-off shotgun. We’ve even heard of times when a stapler, a few rusty nails, and some sandpaper caused some damage; however, no worries...if there are firearms involved, remember, most likely, the father-in-law has not had much target practice. And if he has, plain and simple, do this: tell him that you are joking, that you are an Amazon delivery driver dreaming of becoming a standup comic, and run like hell.
Some potential daters consider calling instead. If you choose this option, we suggest keeping a distance, such as at least 9,000 miles. Do the math.
Today, some people believe that it’s politically correct to ask both parents. Bad idea. The mother will often cry, immediately accept your emotional appeal, and force you to eat her spoiled tuna casserole, which is oftentimes worse than the father’s possible rage, and the whole scene can cause an anti-therapeutic, emotional imbalance, as well as the possible need for a future exorcism.
If the parents are divorced, your route may prove to be easier. Make sure to corral them (as well as the extended families on both sides) in the same room so that you can get a good chuckle when they all feel like punching each other. Any and all distractions can prove to be helpful. Always good to have a barroom brawl moment to break the ice.
Many suitors choose a private, remote, calm, neutral location in order to tentatively approach the parents. We at the F’n Rad Dating Site believe that idea to be utterly boring. Instead, spring it on them in a public place, so that they can’t say no without looking like dicks. We suggest a metro bus, a crowded restaurant, a bowling alley, or a funeral. Some potential daters have had good luck at churches during the middle of sermons or in church basements, during 12-step meetings, at the moment when a buff, fresh-out-of-detox-50-year-old-roofer is blubbering and crying about his childhood trauma. The main goal here is to express your sincere love for your partner, as well as your thin-lipped, slightly sideways, barely audible whisperings about your intention to become a part of the family's inheritance.
In special situations, your fiancé might have been a runaway or secretly adopted. In such delicate cases, in order to reveal how completely unraveled your suitor may become in the future, and so that you’ll be prepared for the onslaught of possible complete fucking hysteria, take some time to track down the parents and have a surprise reunion on a daytime talk show.
C.A. MacConnell
The father-in-law could embarrass the potential dater -- say no, say nothing at all (leaving the person lost, confused, and horny as all hell), or…the father-in-law may pull out his boxing/karate moves, a revolver, a hacksaw, his prized college baseball bat, the closest kitchen knife and/or hammer, a random (middle drawer, garage storage cabinet) screwdriver, or a sawed-off shotgun. We’ve even heard of times when a stapler, a few rusty nails, and some sandpaper caused some damage; however, no worries...if there are firearms involved, remember, most likely, the father-in-law has not had much target practice. And if he has, plain and simple, do this: tell him that you are joking, that you are an Amazon delivery driver dreaming of becoming a standup comic, and run like hell.
Some potential daters consider calling instead. If you choose this option, we suggest keeping a distance, such as at least 9,000 miles. Do the math.
Today, some people believe that it’s politically correct to ask both parents. Bad idea. The mother will often cry, immediately accept your emotional appeal, and force you to eat her spoiled tuna casserole, which is oftentimes worse than the father’s possible rage, and the whole scene can cause an anti-therapeutic, emotional imbalance, as well as the possible need for a future exorcism.
If the parents are divorced, your route may prove to be easier. Make sure to corral them (as well as the extended families on both sides) in the same room so that you can get a good chuckle when they all feel like punching each other. Any and all distractions can prove to be helpful. Always good to have a barroom brawl moment to break the ice.
Many suitors choose a private, remote, calm, neutral location in order to tentatively approach the parents. We at the F’n Rad Dating Site believe that idea to be utterly boring. Instead, spring it on them in a public place, so that they can’t say no without looking like dicks. We suggest a metro bus, a crowded restaurant, a bowling alley, or a funeral. Some potential daters have had good luck at churches during the middle of sermons or in church basements, during 12-step meetings, at the moment when a buff, fresh-out-of-detox-50-year-old-roofer is blubbering and crying about his childhood trauma. The main goal here is to express your sincere love for your partner, as well as your thin-lipped, slightly sideways, barely audible whisperings about your intention to become a part of the family's inheritance.
In special situations, your fiancé might have been a runaway or secretly adopted. In such delicate cases, in order to reveal how completely unraveled your suitor may become in the future, and so that you’ll be prepared for the onslaught of possible complete fucking hysteria, take some time to track down the parents and have a surprise reunion on a daytime talk show.
C.A. MacConnell
Saturday, January 14, 2023
ILuvBingMeAndILuvU2!543
Letter from potential dater, ILuvBingMeAndILuvU2!543, to the F'n Rad Dating Site
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Namaste. Inhale, count to ten, exhale. Engage your pelvic floor. Now, may your day be beautiful and full of joy and blessings. I hope that the universe is sending you everything your heart desires. Right now, as you read, close your eyes, inhale, and dig deep into your vagina or scrotum and feel your Kundalini power. Now, exhale.
I normally wouldn’t reach out to a dating site, but lately I have been talking to my current guru, and we both feel that the universe would bring me a partner if I were ready, but one of my earliest mentors in India suggested that I contact you, because sometimes life is about action and humility. Later, I meditated on the idea, and I asked the universe for a sign. I had a vision of a buffalo, and he spoke to me, and the voice was clear and true, in a tone similar to screaming harp seals, but it felt strong in my heart, and I also felt it in my rib area, and when this happens, I must listen.
I am newly divorced, and although I was in Rome eating pasta, then India studying meditation for a few years, then Bali exploring Tantric yoga, then passing on my traveling pants to my sisters, after a one-month fast, now I feel like it is time to redirect my attention to being human. It is hard to think of myself as human again since my enlightenment, but I feel that you and the site can help me become more grounded. Even in writing this letter, I feel that I am blending with your blood and cells, and that makes me feel closer to the person I wish to be. I feel your energy coursing within me, and it is restless, fiery, and complete. If no one told you yet today, I love you, no matter where you are on your journey, whether you are a missionary, an actor, or a serial killer. We are all as one.
Name: ILuvBingMeAndILuvU2!543
Age: 40
Status: Divorced
Gender: Female
Interested in: Men and Women
Interests: yoga, Whole Foods, expensive organic clothing, raw foods, smoothies, bare callused feet, pedicures, aromatherapy, chanting, fasting, enemas, making love, vitamins, herbs, tea, Kombucha, massages, sweating, feeling the stretch, allowing myself some time to rest, getting in touch with the breath, wiggling my fingers and toes, seeing auras, rarely blinking because I want to take it all in, speaking slowly and letting my words rise at the end of sentences for emphasis, occasional or daily alcohol and/or drug use to expand my consciousness, mud masks, reflexology, being upside down, wheat grass, partner yoga, aerial yoga, interpretive dance, playing multiple instruments at the same time, spreading my toes, curing chronic illness, mispronouncing Sanskrit, burning incense, rearranging the figurines on my altar, commenting on the weather and the seasons, wearing strange jewelry that makes noise and changes daily, having large blocks of time during the day between classes when I have no idea what to do, talking to plants, developing my lean mass, the sky, crying, and dirt.
Music: Dead Can Dance, MC Yoga, St. Germain, Nina Simone, Thievery Corporation, Professor Trance and the Energizers, Bob Marley, Ben Harper, and in a pinch, Krishna Das.
Occupation: yoga teacher, light therapy counselor, massage therapist, and energy healer
Looking for: I am looking for someone who does not mind loose stool every now and again. I shoot a lot of wheatgrass and partake in many enemas, and I wanted to be up front about who I am. I am also looking for someone who is extremely flexible and can preferably put the leg behind the head. I know yoga is not about what you can do…it’s about being true to your own body…but since I am cut, lean, and at a place in my practice where I concentrate on complex, nearly impossible positions, I feel spiritually drawn to the same. I do not look down on those who can’t do a handstand and all of the inversions and arm balances that I can do, but I do know they are still evolving, and I feel it is my calling as a teacher to mourn their inadequacies.
Kids: I would like to adopt three children from an orphanage. I do not mind if you have children, but I may have to maintain my personal space and boundaries with them until they learn to at least complete a modified primary series yoga practice.
Tattoos/Piercings: this has taught me acceptance: I have some Sanskrit words across my back that are supposed to read “Peace to all the world,” but later I found out that it really means, “I have ten cows, and you don’t.”
Religion: I have a picture of my guru that I worship, as well as numerous photos of Buddha, Jesus Christ, Ghandi, the Virgin Mary, and a small ivory figurine from Africa that appears to be a male tiger, as well as a deck of tarot cards, some runes, and a roller skate to remind me to keep on moving forward and don’t look back.
Body Type: 5’8”, 97.5 lbs, 98 lbs when I am on my moon time.
Eyes: clear blue, and over time, the bluer they become
Hair: Long, blonde dreadlocks
Know that I love you just the way you are, although if you would like to join me at the Gaiam outlet sale, we could find you some soft, organic clothing that would hug your body and let your skin breathe at the same time. I hope that we can get together and become unified and make love when the time is right. Thank you for reading my profile. I send you good energy and hold you in my heart for all eternity.
Contact info: My class schedule is on my Website, so feel free to purchase a one month or ten-year pass. First class is always free! Then after class, perhaps we can carry our yoga mats around the corner and have tea, and when you are not looking, I will hug you. If you act soon, we have a one-time special at the studio where you can get one month unlimited for only $40. It is the best deal in the city. It is not a requirement to join the studio to date me; however, it is highly suggested, as this is the best way we could get our mind waves in sync, and because it is the best deal in the city.
Om, shanti. Namaste.
Peace.
ILuvBingMeAndILuvU2!543
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Namaste. Inhale, count to ten, exhale. Engage your pelvic floor. Now, may your day be beautiful and full of joy and blessings. I hope that the universe is sending you everything your heart desires. Right now, as you read, close your eyes, inhale, and dig deep into your vagina or scrotum and feel your Kundalini power. Now, exhale.
I normally wouldn’t reach out to a dating site, but lately I have been talking to my current guru, and we both feel that the universe would bring me a partner if I were ready, but one of my earliest mentors in India suggested that I contact you, because sometimes life is about action and humility. Later, I meditated on the idea, and I asked the universe for a sign. I had a vision of a buffalo, and he spoke to me, and the voice was clear and true, in a tone similar to screaming harp seals, but it felt strong in my heart, and I also felt it in my rib area, and when this happens, I must listen.
I am newly divorced, and although I was in Rome eating pasta, then India studying meditation for a few years, then Bali exploring Tantric yoga, then passing on my traveling pants to my sisters, after a one-month fast, now I feel like it is time to redirect my attention to being human. It is hard to think of myself as human again since my enlightenment, but I feel that you and the site can help me become more grounded. Even in writing this letter, I feel that I am blending with your blood and cells, and that makes me feel closer to the person I wish to be. I feel your energy coursing within me, and it is restless, fiery, and complete. If no one told you yet today, I love you, no matter where you are on your journey, whether you are a missionary, an actor, or a serial killer. We are all as one.
Name: ILuvBingMeAndILuvU2!543
Age: 40
Status: Divorced
Gender: Female
Interested in: Men and Women
Interests: yoga, Whole Foods, expensive organic clothing, raw foods, smoothies, bare callused feet, pedicures, aromatherapy, chanting, fasting, enemas, making love, vitamins, herbs, tea, Kombucha, massages, sweating, feeling the stretch, allowing myself some time to rest, getting in touch with the breath, wiggling my fingers and toes, seeing auras, rarely blinking because I want to take it all in, speaking slowly and letting my words rise at the end of sentences for emphasis, occasional or daily alcohol and/or drug use to expand my consciousness, mud masks, reflexology, being upside down, wheat grass, partner yoga, aerial yoga, interpretive dance, playing multiple instruments at the same time, spreading my toes, curing chronic illness, mispronouncing Sanskrit, burning incense, rearranging the figurines on my altar, commenting on the weather and the seasons, wearing strange jewelry that makes noise and changes daily, having large blocks of time during the day between classes when I have no idea what to do, talking to plants, developing my lean mass, the sky, crying, and dirt.
Music: Dead Can Dance, MC Yoga, St. Germain, Nina Simone, Thievery Corporation, Professor Trance and the Energizers, Bob Marley, Ben Harper, and in a pinch, Krishna Das.
Occupation: yoga teacher, light therapy counselor, massage therapist, and energy healer
Looking for: I am looking for someone who does not mind loose stool every now and again. I shoot a lot of wheatgrass and partake in many enemas, and I wanted to be up front about who I am. I am also looking for someone who is extremely flexible and can preferably put the leg behind the head. I know yoga is not about what you can do…it’s about being true to your own body…but since I am cut, lean, and at a place in my practice where I concentrate on complex, nearly impossible positions, I feel spiritually drawn to the same. I do not look down on those who can’t do a handstand and all of the inversions and arm balances that I can do, but I do know they are still evolving, and I feel it is my calling as a teacher to mourn their inadequacies.
Kids: I would like to adopt three children from an orphanage. I do not mind if you have children, but I may have to maintain my personal space and boundaries with them until they learn to at least complete a modified primary series yoga practice.
Tattoos/Piercings: this has taught me acceptance: I have some Sanskrit words across my back that are supposed to read “Peace to all the world,” but later I found out that it really means, “I have ten cows, and you don’t.”
Religion: I have a picture of my guru that I worship, as well as numerous photos of Buddha, Jesus Christ, Ghandi, the Virgin Mary, and a small ivory figurine from Africa that appears to be a male tiger, as well as a deck of tarot cards, some runes, and a roller skate to remind me to keep on moving forward and don’t look back.
Body Type: 5’8”, 97.5 lbs, 98 lbs when I am on my moon time.
Eyes: clear blue, and over time, the bluer they become
Hair: Long, blonde dreadlocks
Know that I love you just the way you are, although if you would like to join me at the Gaiam outlet sale, we could find you some soft, organic clothing that would hug your body and let your skin breathe at the same time. I hope that we can get together and become unified and make love when the time is right. Thank you for reading my profile. I send you good energy and hold you in my heart for all eternity.
Contact info: My class schedule is on my Website, so feel free to purchase a one month or ten-year pass. First class is always free! Then after class, perhaps we can carry our yoga mats around the corner and have tea, and when you are not looking, I will hug you. If you act soon, we have a one-time special at the studio where you can get one month unlimited for only $40. It is the best deal in the city. It is not a requirement to join the studio to date me; however, it is highly suggested, as this is the best way we could get our mind waves in sync, and because it is the best deal in the city.
Om, shanti. Namaste.
Peace.
ILuvBingMeAndILuvU2!543
-- C.A. MacConnell
Friday, January 13, 2023
ALoanForever10
Letter from potential dater, ALoanForever10, to the F'n Rad Dating Site
Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:
Hello. I am sad right now. I am sorry I’m sad. I am ALoanForever10, and I decided that I would send you a nice note. I am sitting here in my bedroom watching old movies, and I am sad, but relaxed. The movies are dramatic, and the music sounds like it is from the seventies with a nice beat. People are moving around in funny ways, and I am enjoying it. I am eating a frozen dinner. It is cold. Last night, I was up late working, and I am tired. I work really hard, and my job is hard sometimes, and sometimes I like to go to the park all night when I cannot sleep, so I have not had much rest.
I have been depressed. Sorry, I should not have told you all of that. I am probably revealing too much information. I do not know why I am sad. Probably because of my recent divorce. I don’t really miss her, but she left me because of my problems.
And now I am crying, writing to you. Crying really hard and watching television, and I am so tired. You are my only reason for staying awake. You. I am staring at the television hard and thinking of you. I really like candy. Sometimes, when I am watching television in my room after a hard day of work, I will sit in my bed and eat candy. I like to eat that, because it is very sweet, like you pretty people.
I am telling you my feelings so that later it will not become a bigger issue that has grown into something very unmanageable in our relationship. I always want you to know exactly what I’m feeling, every second of the day. I have unlimited text messaging. Sometimes, it is hard to be so open, but I have learned that is the best way. I am so open. Even my pants are loose, and I am comfortable.
Well, I am sure you won’t be interested. I am sure that you won’t even read this, or you will delete it immediately, but just in case, I have enclosed my Bio for you to look at. It was hard to write because I am not that good at writing, but I thought you might be interested in reading it, just if you are incredibly bored and have nothing to do but look at my Bio. I know that some parts are hard to read, but just keep an open mind. I have a feeling about you. I was going to include an older picture of me, but it is hard for me to share this with you, but it is good for me to remember the hard times so that I can be happier right now. I am about to visit the park. There are many pretty things there.
Name: ALoanForever10
Age: 55
Occupation: At-home businessman
Kids: Sharon, 20. Jimmy, 19. Ted, 18. Little Lizzie, 6. And the one grandchild, Baby Bob, just appeared last week. I don’t feel old because of it, because actually I am not allowed to visit them. I am secure with who I am unless someone breaks in, and then I am usually uncomfortable.
Body type: thick on top, thin on bottom
Hair: Salt and Pepper
Tattoos/Piercings: Yes, one/no
Interests: I like thunderstorms and long walks in the park. I spend many of my days off at the parks, just to see the beautiful moms and children. I am interested in watching people play. I think that people are funny when they play. They are fun to watch all day and all night, if they are there. Sometimes I am there, and no one is there, and that is hard.
Activities: I will do anything, anything I can do and not have to report to that funny man.
Looking for: I am looking for an extremely attractive, much younger woman with strong career goals.
Contact info: I would love to text you. I am not very good at talking, but I text people all day long, every day, because it is very convenient. I like to send people pictures too, so it would be nice if you could receive pictures on your phone because sometimes pictures can tell a lot of things that words can’t. Well, I have to go because I am really sad and need to go to the bathroom right now and I don’t want you to go with me, because we just met. But later, you can come in with me. That would be very nice, but I am sure you will not like me. I have to go. I am really crying hard.
ALoanForever10
--C.A. MacConnell
Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:
Hello. I am sad right now. I am sorry I’m sad. I am ALoanForever10, and I decided that I would send you a nice note. I am sitting here in my bedroom watching old movies, and I am sad, but relaxed. The movies are dramatic, and the music sounds like it is from the seventies with a nice beat. People are moving around in funny ways, and I am enjoying it. I am eating a frozen dinner. It is cold. Last night, I was up late working, and I am tired. I work really hard, and my job is hard sometimes, and sometimes I like to go to the park all night when I cannot sleep, so I have not had much rest.
I have been depressed. Sorry, I should not have told you all of that. I am probably revealing too much information. I do not know why I am sad. Probably because of my recent divorce. I don’t really miss her, but she left me because of my problems.
And now I am crying, writing to you. Crying really hard and watching television, and I am so tired. You are my only reason for staying awake. You. I am staring at the television hard and thinking of you. I really like candy. Sometimes, when I am watching television in my room after a hard day of work, I will sit in my bed and eat candy. I like to eat that, because it is very sweet, like you pretty people.
I am telling you my feelings so that later it will not become a bigger issue that has grown into something very unmanageable in our relationship. I always want you to know exactly what I’m feeling, every second of the day. I have unlimited text messaging. Sometimes, it is hard to be so open, but I have learned that is the best way. I am so open. Even my pants are loose, and I am comfortable.
Well, I am sure you won’t be interested. I am sure that you won’t even read this, or you will delete it immediately, but just in case, I have enclosed my Bio for you to look at. It was hard to write because I am not that good at writing, but I thought you might be interested in reading it, just if you are incredibly bored and have nothing to do but look at my Bio. I know that some parts are hard to read, but just keep an open mind. I have a feeling about you. I was going to include an older picture of me, but it is hard for me to share this with you, but it is good for me to remember the hard times so that I can be happier right now. I am about to visit the park. There are many pretty things there.
Name: ALoanForever10
Age: 55
Occupation: At-home businessman
Kids: Sharon, 20. Jimmy, 19. Ted, 18. Little Lizzie, 6. And the one grandchild, Baby Bob, just appeared last week. I don’t feel old because of it, because actually I am not allowed to visit them. I am secure with who I am unless someone breaks in, and then I am usually uncomfortable.
Body type: thick on top, thin on bottom
Hair: Salt and Pepper
Tattoos/Piercings: Yes, one/no
Interests: I like thunderstorms and long walks in the park. I spend many of my days off at the parks, just to see the beautiful moms and children. I am interested in watching people play. I think that people are funny when they play. They are fun to watch all day and all night, if they are there. Sometimes I am there, and no one is there, and that is hard.
Activities: I will do anything, anything I can do and not have to report to that funny man.
Looking for: I am looking for an extremely attractive, much younger woman with strong career goals.
Contact info: I would love to text you. I am not very good at talking, but I text people all day long, every day, because it is very convenient. I like to send people pictures too, so it would be nice if you could receive pictures on your phone because sometimes pictures can tell a lot of things that words can’t. Well, I have to go because I am really sad and need to go to the bathroom right now and I don’t want you to go with me, because we just met. But later, you can come in with me. That would be very nice, but I am sure you will not like me. I have to go. I am really crying hard.
ALoanForever10
--C.A. MacConnell
Thursday, January 12, 2023
YrYoungHungStallion65
Letter from potential dater, YrYoungHungStallion65, to the F'n Rad Dating Site:
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Howdy! Well, it’s hog killin’ time out here on the farm, so I’m a little busy right now, workin’ sunup to sundown, but I thought I’d send you a pritty letter. I hope you get this sometime this month. I sent it by Pony Express, and I told that Billy Barkin to hurry on up, ’cause the letter was ’bout some girls, and he told me to go fetch some water and pour it on myself to cool myself down. I told him to cool hisself down, and then we had to fight like hell, but I came out of it with most of my teeth.
As far as killin’ dem pigs, my boys did a bang-up job. I wasn’t going to write at all, but my help went and said, “Quit beatin that devil around the stump and write those girls.” So I was goin’ to write right away, but then my sister, Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers, went and beefed two men in Lexington, so we had to visit her in the county jailhouse. She’s always gettin’ into trouble. And then Lil Wet Jack, my brother, went off on another bender, and I had to track him down at the Town Liquors, and when I found him, he had lost him another finger and found him another hussy.
There’s a barn dance this Saturday, so put on your best bib and tucker, cause we’re goin’ sweethearts, if you can fork over the five dollars. At the last dance, Momma and Pops had a blowup, and my cousin, Suzana Faith Charity, got knocked up we think. I told her the jig is up, that we know she’s been seein’ Harley Stevenson IV over outside the schoolhouse. I mean, lately she’s lookin’ like she’s gotta bump, and Momma would beat her, but we all think Harley’s a thoroughbred, so I guess it’ll be fine having another choice cut off the rack of lamb around. Lil Wet Jack, the deadbeat, ended up full as a tick at the saloon, and Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers had a fist fight with one of the Wilder girls, Tater Christine Lou. I’d like to cook me up that Tater, if you girls don’t decide to ride on out here. I figger one day, one of yous is gonna give in. But maybe don’t come this week, because I hear Tater just came down with the consumption.
I read that some of yous like candy. Bully for you! We have some rock candy down at the General Store, and I have a credit there for my hay and sweet feed, so we’d be all set for ya there. And sometimes, me and Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers make ice cream on Sundays, after the four-hour long church service down over in Midway.
Well, I have to go give my plow a thorough whippin’. So send me some messages and let me know when you’ll be coming out this way, and we’ll dicker over what we’d like to do, like go to this fandango barn dance. That’d be grand.
My apologies, misses. I told that Lil Wet Jack to set me up with the photo man, Jimmy Buck Ray, who’s also the sheriff out in Tuckerville, (he’s kind of offish if you ask me) but right then, my horse lost a shoe, and we had to call the blacksmith, which took three days, and by then Jimmy Buck Ray passed the buck, and he was on his way to track down some train robbers, so I lost my photo shooting time until they catch Bad Bart and the Beatty Gang ‘fore they hit the bank out in WestChestershire.
Name: YrYoungHungStallion65
Age: 30
Occupation: Farmer, Bull Rider, Mayor
Interests: barn dances, hangin’ around and getting’ half seas over, swimmin’ down at the swimmin’ hole in my birthday suit when it’s hot as a whorehouse on nickel night.
Activities: keeping the farm in apple pie order, makin’ a mash on the fine ladies, chewing tobacco, and watching motion pictures down in Centerville whenever they get one to come into town.
Looking for: Someone to ride the river with, someone to make the babies, the whole kit and kaboodle.
Body Type: Muscular
Tattoos/Piercings: I knows some of yous have some, and that seems like fine art, but we don’t do that kinda art down here, except Lil Jack does whittle wood, and he can really do the crafts.
Contact info: Weeell, I’m usually at the General Store on Saturdays, huntin’ down L’il Jack at the Saloon, or out on the plains, watching the sheep. Or, you find me at the Town Hall Meeting on Mondays, ’cause I’m the mayor, and then after we all usually go on out to Ol’ Riley’s place to tip cows, or we break into the Rodeo grounds to mess with the bulls.
Religion: I go to the sunset service on Saturday evenings down in Hootersville, and then the long one on Sundays over in Midway at the new church with that young preacher, Bobby Dean Williamson, who can really rile ‘em up and make yous feel like you just died and came back like in the revelation. I seen Bobby Dean bring a dead girl right back once. ‘Nuther time, he touched a baby’s forehead, and dat dere baby turned right into a 14-year old boy right den and dere, and so we den called that baby Big Boy, ’cause he was suddenly big, and he was real smart and when his parents gave him a silver dollar for his birthday, Big Boy went and started a restaurant ‘fore he was even 16. And I thought that if I don’t have to spend my hard-earned money on bailin’ out Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers, you and me could head on out to get some eats at that restaurant, ’cause dem steaks are good.
Pony up, girls! Harvest season is a-comin’, and we don’t want you to miss it. Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers, Tater, Lil Jack, Momma, Pops, and my ex-wife and cousin, Lucy Hornetschmidt, are all gonna be here at the farm to look you all over. If it gets to be too many visitors, we can always stay at the hotel in Matthisville, where the WestChestershire Band plays on the weekends. I know you ladies like music. But if yous don’t come, everybody’s gonna get together and spread rumors ’bout ya. Don’t worry, if Lil Jack starts shootin’ his mouth off, I’ll give him a black eye. Well, I gots to skedaddle, so I’m gonna wind up this letter and send it out to the Pony Express man and get on back to the ranch ‘fore the sun goes down.
I hope Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers makes that beef stew for supper. I could eat a bear.
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Howdy! Well, it’s hog killin’ time out here on the farm, so I’m a little busy right now, workin’ sunup to sundown, but I thought I’d send you a pritty letter. I hope you get this sometime this month. I sent it by Pony Express, and I told that Billy Barkin to hurry on up, ’cause the letter was ’bout some girls, and he told me to go fetch some water and pour it on myself to cool myself down. I told him to cool hisself down, and then we had to fight like hell, but I came out of it with most of my teeth.
As far as killin’ dem pigs, my boys did a bang-up job. I wasn’t going to write at all, but my help went and said, “Quit beatin that devil around the stump and write those girls.” So I was goin’ to write right away, but then my sister, Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers, went and beefed two men in Lexington, so we had to visit her in the county jailhouse. She’s always gettin’ into trouble. And then Lil Wet Jack, my brother, went off on another bender, and I had to track him down at the Town Liquors, and when I found him, he had lost him another finger and found him another hussy.
There’s a barn dance this Saturday, so put on your best bib and tucker, cause we’re goin’ sweethearts, if you can fork over the five dollars. At the last dance, Momma and Pops had a blowup, and my cousin, Suzana Faith Charity, got knocked up we think. I told her the jig is up, that we know she’s been seein’ Harley Stevenson IV over outside the schoolhouse. I mean, lately she’s lookin’ like she’s gotta bump, and Momma would beat her, but we all think Harley’s a thoroughbred, so I guess it’ll be fine having another choice cut off the rack of lamb around. Lil Wet Jack, the deadbeat, ended up full as a tick at the saloon, and Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers had a fist fight with one of the Wilder girls, Tater Christine Lou. I’d like to cook me up that Tater, if you girls don’t decide to ride on out here. I figger one day, one of yous is gonna give in. But maybe don’t come this week, because I hear Tater just came down with the consumption.
I read that some of yous like candy. Bully for you! We have some rock candy down at the General Store, and I have a credit there for my hay and sweet feed, so we’d be all set for ya there. And sometimes, me and Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers make ice cream on Sundays, after the four-hour long church service down over in Midway.
Well, I have to go give my plow a thorough whippin’. So send me some messages and let me know when you’ll be coming out this way, and we’ll dicker over what we’d like to do, like go to this fandango barn dance. That’d be grand.
My apologies, misses. I told that Lil Wet Jack to set me up with the photo man, Jimmy Buck Ray, who’s also the sheriff out in Tuckerville, (he’s kind of offish if you ask me) but right then, my horse lost a shoe, and we had to call the blacksmith, which took three days, and by then Jimmy Buck Ray passed the buck, and he was on his way to track down some train robbers, so I lost my photo shooting time until they catch Bad Bart and the Beatty Gang ‘fore they hit the bank out in WestChestershire.
Name: YrYoungHungStallion65
Age: 30
Occupation: Farmer, Bull Rider, Mayor
Interests: barn dances, hangin’ around and getting’ half seas over, swimmin’ down at the swimmin’ hole in my birthday suit when it’s hot as a whorehouse on nickel night.
Activities: keeping the farm in apple pie order, makin’ a mash on the fine ladies, chewing tobacco, and watching motion pictures down in Centerville whenever they get one to come into town.
Looking for: Someone to ride the river with, someone to make the babies, the whole kit and kaboodle.
Body Type: Muscular
Tattoos/Piercings: I knows some of yous have some, and that seems like fine art, but we don’t do that kinda art down here, except Lil Jack does whittle wood, and he can really do the crafts.
Contact info: Weeell, I’m usually at the General Store on Saturdays, huntin’ down L’il Jack at the Saloon, or out on the plains, watching the sheep. Or, you find me at the Town Hall Meeting on Mondays, ’cause I’m the mayor, and then after we all usually go on out to Ol’ Riley’s place to tip cows, or we break into the Rodeo grounds to mess with the bulls.
Religion: I go to the sunset service on Saturday evenings down in Hootersville, and then the long one on Sundays over in Midway at the new church with that young preacher, Bobby Dean Williamson, who can really rile ‘em up and make yous feel like you just died and came back like in the revelation. I seen Bobby Dean bring a dead girl right back once. ‘Nuther time, he touched a baby’s forehead, and dat dere baby turned right into a 14-year old boy right den and dere, and so we den called that baby Big Boy, ’cause he was suddenly big, and he was real smart and when his parents gave him a silver dollar for his birthday, Big Boy went and started a restaurant ‘fore he was even 16. And I thought that if I don’t have to spend my hard-earned money on bailin’ out Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers, you and me could head on out to get some eats at that restaurant, ’cause dem steaks are good.
Pony up, girls! Harvest season is a-comin’, and we don’t want you to miss it. Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers, Tater, Lil Jack, Momma, Pops, and my ex-wife and cousin, Lucy Hornetschmidt, are all gonna be here at the farm to look you all over. If it gets to be too many visitors, we can always stay at the hotel in Matthisville, where the WestChestershire Band plays on the weekends. I know you ladies like music. But if yous don’t come, everybody’s gonna get together and spread rumors ’bout ya. Don’t worry, if Lil Jack starts shootin’ his mouth off, I’ll give him a black eye. Well, I gots to skedaddle, so I’m gonna wind up this letter and send it out to the Pony Express man and get on back to the ranch ‘fore the sun goes down.
I hope Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers makes that beef stew for supper. I could eat a bear.
YrYoungHungStallion65
- C.A. MacConnell
- C.A. MacConnell
Wednesday, January 11, 2023
DaManDaMutt12345
Letter from potential dater, DaManDaMutt12345, to the F'n Rad Dating Site
Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:
Whaddup bitches? While you’re gettin' busy reading this Shakespeare, you better watch your back, yo, ‘cause soon I’ll be cruisin’ up your driveway in my souped-up Hyundai, so be ready with your garage door open. I’ll teach you skateboarding or we could watch us some cable. I love me some Cops and Judge Judy and every now and then, I hit up the Food Channel just so I can learn how to make tuna noodle casseroles and mad pizzas for my girls. Hey, I got some coupons for that Newport fish joint, and if we both chip in, it’d be rad. I like that choice Tilapia. Dayum, that shit is gangster. Or the lake trout with some tartar special sauce, you feel me? Did I tell you I got dat neon piping on my ride. Sheeit, I am a beast.
I saw some girly pictures, and I wasn’t sure from da full bodies if anyone was stacked or not, but some of you fine ladies look pretty Marilyn Monroe. I’m okay with sisters bein’ flat. I’m joking about the titties, kittens. Don’t get all weird. Hey, I’ll write more tomorrow, I gotta run, yo, I have to meet up with that dick who Seattle Grinch hooked me up with so I can get this skull tat touched up. Motherfucker who gave me the first one was all liquored up, so it looks like fuckin’ Scooby Doo, but whatever. Nobody around here gives two shits about skin.
So here’s my Bio, in case you want to study that Funhouse. I usually like to get tanked and get online and say stupid shit, so look me up on da live chat, yo, we can get to know each other like family, cause I’m such a goddamn talker when I’m loaded, and I’ll tell you my whole life story like who I banged since day one. I don’t drink gasoline every night. I take Saturdays off, because a brother’s got to have some limitations. And relax, I cut out the pills last week, so if I’m still a little shaky, just forgettaboutit ‘cause I’m comin’ down. So hit me up whenever, yo. I’m pretty sane. I’ll show you some serious rectal abdominus. I am your prince fucking musketeer. Yo, this is so fucking stupid its sick and why the hell I'm here, I couldn't tell you, because I shoulda slipped down the sewer about a gazillion years back. Sorry to talk like the death machine, but I'm jonesing, so it comes with the territory.
Name: DaManDaMutt12345
Age: 20
Activities: Graffiti art, studying puke, skate tricks, selling whatever, coughing up loogies, holding babies, making presents, and hitting up the Newport AMC down on the levee, where I can get those big tubs of popcorn for free because my cuz works there. I got the mafia connections for you, so people spew out goods to me like I'm the President. I fucking love cookies. I really like to get me a spoon and dig into a roll of that cookie dough they make at Pillsbury. Or Jesus, how about that Creamy Deluxe icing shit? What the fuck is that made of, heaven? I could fucking ice skate on the top of that masterpiece and be happy forever and ever until I’m dead from drowning in the sugar fix. Okay, you get me. I’m all about bein’ real. Sometimes. Other times, if my ears hurt ‘cause I just stretched the motherfuckers. I can be a real prick.
Kids: Well, let's see, I got two girls here in town, one boy down in Kentucky, and then the twins live out in Goshen.
Occupation: Corner deals down by the market, performance artist specializing in multi-instruments, remixing da Phil Collins, one talented mother. I’m also into real estate.
Looking for: I’m lookin’ for a skinny chick with a good ass who can clean like a mofo. I don’t like whiny bitches, so if you’re whiny, go find another dog. I like drained pools, curbs, and watching warehouse fires tear some shit up. Or hows about that goddamn Animal Planet. I just watched a show on the penguins that made me cry my eyes out and shred a tuxedo.
I'm looking for my easy lover or a classy lady from the mansion. I am 6’0, 150 lbs, and mommy gave me nothing but bullshit all growing up, but I did get her kickass hair, so I’m a James Dean, you fucks. I need somebody to help me watch the kids every now and then, but you don’t have to be a momma, just a stand-in. If you have a car, that’d be great with my society, because mine’s over at the shop right now all tore up.
Religion: I ain’t no pussy.
Body type: Skinny as shit
Tattoos/Piercings: Yes/Yes all over the fuckin’ place, even my balls. A fuckin’ crime scene.
Hair: Brown, shaggy
Eyes: Piercing like Emerald City, all shiny and sometimes brown. My sister Norma, the fat girl, hooked me up with the choice contacts at the WalMart eye center, so now I can see. So, I’m coming, and get ready for your oil and lube.
Contact info: Hit me up on da live chat DaManDaMutt12345. I’m usually on there all night unless I have the kids, and then you can find me at the circus or over at the park where we’ll be having funtime on da monkey bars.
DaManDaMutt12345
-- C.A. MacConnell
Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:
Whaddup bitches? While you’re gettin' busy reading this Shakespeare, you better watch your back, yo, ‘cause soon I’ll be cruisin’ up your driveway in my souped-up Hyundai, so be ready with your garage door open. I’ll teach you skateboarding or we could watch us some cable. I love me some Cops and Judge Judy and every now and then, I hit up the Food Channel just so I can learn how to make tuna noodle casseroles and mad pizzas for my girls. Hey, I got some coupons for that Newport fish joint, and if we both chip in, it’d be rad. I like that choice Tilapia. Dayum, that shit is gangster. Or the lake trout with some tartar special sauce, you feel me? Did I tell you I got dat neon piping on my ride. Sheeit, I am a beast.
I saw some girly pictures, and I wasn’t sure from da full bodies if anyone was stacked or not, but some of you fine ladies look pretty Marilyn Monroe. I’m okay with sisters bein’ flat. I’m joking about the titties, kittens. Don’t get all weird. Hey, I’ll write more tomorrow, I gotta run, yo, I have to meet up with that dick who Seattle Grinch hooked me up with so I can get this skull tat touched up. Motherfucker who gave me the first one was all liquored up, so it looks like fuckin’ Scooby Doo, but whatever. Nobody around here gives two shits about skin.
So here’s my Bio, in case you want to study that Funhouse. I usually like to get tanked and get online and say stupid shit, so look me up on da live chat, yo, we can get to know each other like family, cause I’m such a goddamn talker when I’m loaded, and I’ll tell you my whole life story like who I banged since day one. I don’t drink gasoline every night. I take Saturdays off, because a brother’s got to have some limitations. And relax, I cut out the pills last week, so if I’m still a little shaky, just forgettaboutit ‘cause I’m comin’ down. So hit me up whenever, yo. I’m pretty sane. I’ll show you some serious rectal abdominus. I am your prince fucking musketeer. Yo, this is so fucking stupid its sick and why the hell I'm here, I couldn't tell you, because I shoulda slipped down the sewer about a gazillion years back. Sorry to talk like the death machine, but I'm jonesing, so it comes with the territory.
Name: DaManDaMutt12345
Age: 20
Activities: Graffiti art, studying puke, skate tricks, selling whatever, coughing up loogies, holding babies, making presents, and hitting up the Newport AMC down on the levee, where I can get those big tubs of popcorn for free because my cuz works there. I got the mafia connections for you, so people spew out goods to me like I'm the President. I fucking love cookies. I really like to get me a spoon and dig into a roll of that cookie dough they make at Pillsbury. Or Jesus, how about that Creamy Deluxe icing shit? What the fuck is that made of, heaven? I could fucking ice skate on the top of that masterpiece and be happy forever and ever until I’m dead from drowning in the sugar fix. Okay, you get me. I’m all about bein’ real. Sometimes. Other times, if my ears hurt ‘cause I just stretched the motherfuckers. I can be a real prick.
Kids: Well, let's see, I got two girls here in town, one boy down in Kentucky, and then the twins live out in Goshen.
Occupation: Corner deals down by the market, performance artist specializing in multi-instruments, remixing da Phil Collins, one talented mother. I’m also into real estate.
Looking for: I’m lookin’ for a skinny chick with a good ass who can clean like a mofo. I don’t like whiny bitches, so if you’re whiny, go find another dog. I like drained pools, curbs, and watching warehouse fires tear some shit up. Or hows about that goddamn Animal Planet. I just watched a show on the penguins that made me cry my eyes out and shred a tuxedo.
I'm looking for my easy lover or a classy lady from the mansion. I am 6’0, 150 lbs, and mommy gave me nothing but bullshit all growing up, but I did get her kickass hair, so I’m a James Dean, you fucks. I need somebody to help me watch the kids every now and then, but you don’t have to be a momma, just a stand-in. If you have a car, that’d be great with my society, because mine’s over at the shop right now all tore up.
Religion: I ain’t no pussy.
Body type: Skinny as shit
Tattoos/Piercings: Yes/Yes all over the fuckin’ place, even my balls. A fuckin’ crime scene.
Hair: Brown, shaggy
Eyes: Piercing like Emerald City, all shiny and sometimes brown. My sister Norma, the fat girl, hooked me up with the choice contacts at the WalMart eye center, so now I can see. So, I’m coming, and get ready for your oil and lube.
Contact info: Hit me up on da live chat DaManDaMutt12345. I’m usually on there all night unless I have the kids, and then you can find me at the circus or over at the park where we’ll be having funtime on da monkey bars.
DaManDaMutt12345
-- C.A. MacConnell
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