DOOGIEWAYTMI4U

Letter from potential dater, DOOGIEWAYTMI4U, to the F’n Rad Dating Site


January 25, 2023



F’n Rad Dating Site
cc: F’n Rad Daters, social media, MedChart, Monster, Netflix, National Geographic, WebMD, Uranus, Jupiter, and Orcus

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Greetings, Earth creatures! And those from space. And genius billionaires. XOXO. Usually, I don’t study dating sites or similar juvenile, archaic entertainment sources, but I needed to pass the hours until I could find the correct parts to continue working on my time machine. Wonderful to make your acquaintance. LMFAO. The full intention of this official mating letter is to produce offspring as soon as possible. Hopefully, you are ready for the act of fertilization. For many semesters, I have studied the uterus, and I'm ecstatic about my findings; I would be thrilled to discuss the research with you! For exactly 22 days, I’ve been studying and dissecting your photo collages. HA, LOSR. Currently, I’m calculating the ratio, length, and width of the pictures. TTYL. According to recent measurements, everything anatomical seems to be working well for a small cross section of certain specimens. If you are deemed to be correctly proportional, you will produce high quality, intelligent offspring. Age is an important factor. If you are in the geriatric phase of life (past 25 years old), we would have to mate without delay. ROFL. I’m the epitome of health, and all of my organs have been tested repeatedly. Recently, I urinated, and it was the appropriate color, and during the process, there was no pain. IDK. Also, earlier, I produced a solid bowel movement, and I rushed it to the lab to be dissected; a team of scientists made sure that my nutrient levels were correct. IRL, I hope that we can discuss feelings. This increases stimulation and brain functioning when meeting new humans. Following, we can have a cerebral relationship for two weeks. I read that this is the appropriate time span for discussion. According to the flow charts and graphs, friendship and feelings come first. According to the books, we should then discuss the relationship more. Finally, the mating process is necessary to make sure that the sperm and egg reach fertilization. ILYPOOPIEHEAD. Now I have to renew my system, so I will ingest the proper food groups and produce saliva. We will meet on a day when the molecules in the air are all in order. I'm looking forward to studying you, but truthfully, I’m relieved that you’re not here right now. I have some fetal pigs in my refrigerator that I’m keeping for the lab. LOL, srsly.

Name: DOOGIEWAYTMI4U

Age: 25

Interested in: Napoleon Dynamite, Doogie Howser, Angelina Jolie

Interests: I enjoy eating chalk, due to the mineral content.

Looking for: Since I currently have a penis, as well as two perfectly formed testicles, I am seeking a nonbinary person with a fully intact vagina, preferably one with long, thick hair, sharp vision, flawless skin, large mammary glands, one who has been affected long term by correct nutrition, as recent studies show this makes for an extremely fertile being. Preferably, I will attract someone with a strong uterus, a strong bladder, and someone who is unique, intelligent, and somewhat animalistic in nature. I think that this combination would produce the most well-balanced litter of humans. If that sounds like you, after some testing, we could meet in the lab and see if we are a match. SWEET.

Hair: Black, long, I wear it back in a pony tail to attract those of female origin. CMOVR.

Eyes: Brown. You must have 20/20 vision. I have a weak gene in the eye department. NVM.

Body type: I am the correct weight for my height, according to the charts. You probably will only want to reproduce with me in the Spring. BTW, I am hoping that your eggs are healthy and in working order.

Favorite movies: Recently, I viewed the original Avatar for the 10th time. While watching, I painted my face bluish purple and conducted a study on Pandora’s reaction to another alien’s presence in the environment. LOL. TTYS.

Occupation: I attend many universities. I have a PHD in BioChemistry and Neuroscience. In order to become more balanced, I’m working on a PHD in English Literature as well. I finished high school at the age of ten, but I continue attending classes, because I think I have the best chance of survival on Earth if I know as much information as possible. If we venture into the dating environs, we might have to journey into affordable ecosystems, as I am currently on unemployment, and I have an average of one million in student loans, although it used to be one million ten thousand. OMGBIDENRULES.

Contact Info: There are hidden messages in water. SOWHATIFHESHOARDINGDOCUMENTS. Each snowflake represents different patterns, and the combinations of patterns are limitless. It is a great mystery of science. However, phone number patterns are more readily available. And I have fifteen email addresses, so the odds of discovering my email and phone number are in your favor. HEHASGERMANSHEPHERDS. Or if you travel to Kroger or similar food processing establishments, I will probably be there dressed as one of the people of Pandora. HMU. What’s your ETA? Please make sure to be well-hydrated. EVERYONELOVESDOGS.

Religion: ILYEVENIFYOUARESATAN.

I have included a photo of my avatar. LMK what you think. OMW as I write,
DOOGIEWAYTMI4U

-- C.A. MacConnell