Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:
Safety is my middle name. If YOU get in the way of my safety or the safety of one of these kids that have parents but are really MINE, we're done. You are no longer a part of my life if you mess with MY kids or the safety precautions necessary for my work. Just something I have to suffer through daily, a commitment of the job. And it won't change, so don't hope.
Anyway, I'm Bobbie, and I mostly like to stand.
I'm a lifeguard over at the Bobo Bird Breeze Indoor Water Park! I earned my whistle the other day, and I feel very at home here. There are many interesting people like me that work here. There's Pat, Chris, Charlie, and my best friend in the whole world, Chuck. I like Chuck the best because he knows who he is, and I aim to be that kind of person. We all do here. Chuck is the head lifeguard, and it takes MANY INTENSE TRAINING CLASSES to achieve his status and know who you really are. When he started here, he had to wear a life jacket, and he would only swim in the Lazy River or the 2'6" baby pool, and his name was Stacy.
Hang on, just getting used to the water this morning for work. Have to EASE in. Little chilly today. One should always allow the body time to adjust. Otherwise, a child could experience SHALLOW WATER BLACKOUT, NARCOSIS, AND OXYGEN TOXICITY, as well as IMPENDING COMA OR DEATH. Make sure to allow 30 minutes after eating before getting in the pools OR YOU MIGHT CHOKE ON YOUR OWN VOMIT OR LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR MUSCLE MEMORY AND DIE. I'm tougher than the children, because I practice for hours before work. I'm told by my coworkers that I would make a good polar bear, deep sea unknown fish, or megalodon.
Sorry, I'm a little distracted BY THE GOOSE BUMPS. Just adding in some HEAVY DUTY CHLORINE. We put so much chlorine in this pool, YOU’LL BE TASTING IT FOR DAYS if you go for a swim in here. Also works well for acne control. Good thing, too. Just about every kid around ILLEGALLY URINATES in this pool. Every now and then, straight sugar puke. Even saw one UNATTENDED TODDLER DEFACATE UNCONTROLLABLY in the baby pool once, but don't tell the parents because the parties are really expensive here. Hang on, let me take care of this IMPENDING HEALTH HAZARD. I must clean this wet Band-Aid and hair out of the drain.
Interests: CPR, Watching children, CENTERS FOR MISSING CHILDREN, fountains, tubes, pools, chemicals, ceramic mushrooms that shoot out water, plastic palm trees, watching sprinklers, family showers, RISK ASSESSMENTS, cheez pizza, MAINTENANCE OF PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT, vanilla bean ice cream, birthdays, FIRST AID KITS, twirling my whistle, wearing suits with shorts, scuba diving, diving in general, goggles, HEALTH AND WELFARE, enjoying 80 degree weather all year round, RED CROSS SAFETY CLASSES, shopping at DICKS Sporting Goods, AMERICAS MOST WANTED, football, baseball, field hockey, POISON CONTROL, women's olympic swimming and sometimes men's, FIRE AND EMERGENCY PROTOCOL, synchronized swimming, HEIMLICH MANEUVER, mermaids and mermen, cartoons with mermaids and mermen, MOUTH TO MOUTH, and drag shows at The Porthole down by the river.
Body Type: a li'l extra on the sides and the middle and legs and arms, although my legs are pretty muscular from standing. Chuck tells me I'm as wide as I am tall, and I like to be consistent with that, so I work at by eating as much pizza and ice cream and cake as I can whenever the kids have a birthday party here, which is every day or so. Just one of the perks of the job.
Eyes: brown, SLIGHTLY TAINTED and bloodshot from this water. I'm actually not sure what's in this water, but there's no bacteria, because nothing could live in this water. Absolutely nothing. IF YOU JUMP IN TOO SOON, THINK SILENCE OF THE LAMBS WHEN HANNIBAL ESCAPES BY CHOPPING OFF THE GUY’S ENTIRE FACE.
Smoke/Drink: I WOULD NEVER WANT TO COMPROMISE THE SAFETY OF MY CHILDREN.
Looking for: I am looking for someone like Chuck, who knows what they want, although I'm not sure I want someone named Chuck. Perhaps I would like someone named Jo or even someone with a one letter name like E or M or something more subtle. Someone who looks nice in a bikini and/or trunks. I don't have any tattoos but when adults swim at Bobo Bird!, I become very excited and comment on their tattoos when I'm bored. And especially if they are attractive people, but I only do this if no kids are waiting to ride the slides, because I have to make sure the light is green when kids enter the tubes. RED LIGHT, NO GO. I REPEAT, WAIT FOR THE GREEN OR YOU COULD SLIDE SIDEWAYS ON THE TUBE AND NEED TO HAVE YOUR LEGS AMPUTATED. I SAW SOMEONE LOSE A FOOT TO THE YELLOW LIGHT.
ONLY THE GREEN LIGHT ON THE SLIDES. DEATH IS ON THE LINE HERE.
Occupation: Lifeguard at Bobo Bird Breeze Indoor Water Park!
Age: 20ish
Gender: Male-ish
Kids: Not sure if I can, due to an accident that happened on Bobo Bird! Jungle Jim during the Hose Fest! last year.
Hair: Brown, short, sticks straight up. I love waterproof hair wax.
Interested in: Yes. I've been single a really long time, actually, my whole life. I have many diverse friends, so I'm not depressed, but it would be nice to have a significant other person who is short, tall, heavy, slim, or medium, although I think a person with thin legs and a nice size chest and a large back would work best in case I need help rescuing anyone. Someone with a rescue dog would be welcome. GIVE ME TIME TO WARM UP AFTER I GET OUT OF THE POOL. OTHERWISE, SHRINKAGE.
Thank you so much for reading my profile. Well, before the families arrive, I have to go see if I can hang from that netting cross the lily pad pond today without falling in! I have faith I can do it today. Yesterday, I fell in and did a sort of loud cannonball and Chuck was texting, but when he was done texting he really laughed.
Come visit Bobo Bird Breeze! I'll give you a free three-hour wristband; however, delays might happen if we're dating. Just one of the TOUGH AND DANGEROUS aspects of my job. Wanted to be up front about that. There may be days, nights, even weeks of disappointment for my lovers, due to time spent saving Bobo Bird's! childREN IN NEED. IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS AND ENTER THE POOLS TOO SOON, THE CHEMICALS COULD MELT YOUR SKIN OFF LIKE NICOLAS CAGE IN FACE-OFF HOLY SHIT I LOVE THAT MOVIE BUT MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER LOSE THEIR FACES WHILE I’M ON DUTY.
GOTTA RUN! I THINK I HEAR A DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP!
IAMBobbieH2O
-- C.A. MacConnell
