Letter from potential dater, SnifflesClishay007, to the F’n Rad Dating Site...Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Straight from the horse’s mouth, I am 100% alone. This gig is solo. Not attached at the hip. The writing is on the wall. I know this may seem like a pipe dream, or that something's fishy here, but it’s completely solid. Flatten your goosebumps, or I’ll read you the riot act. I admit I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I’ve been playing hooky all day, but I’ve got the plan in mind, and here’s what will happen: tonight, we’ll lick this plan into shape. I won’t beat around the bush here, cheesecake. Hope I’m not barking up the wrong tree, but follow my rules, and it’ll be as easy as falling off a log. When you arrive at Shaft Records, my old stamping ground, I will be standing near the Lionel Ritchie collection wearing all black. And a redneck trucker hat, just to fit in. And some enormous, mod, green sunglasses. I will be the only one not wearing Chuck Taylors, so you will know for sure it is me, Sniffles. When you see me, say, “I like Lionel, don’t you?” And I will respond, “I just bought a Guns-n-Roses poster.” And I will show you the poster, and I will give you the white elephant. You will do a double take, and we will face the music and know we are soul mates. That’s the plan. The plan will not change, so no worrying, prima donna. I am never wishy-washy. Do not even look at anyone else or talk gibberish, or I will develop a stiff upper lip, then turn into a green-eyed monster. On the flip side, once we make contact, you can let your hair down, and we’ll have a makeout session to break the ice, then let out all of our skeletons from the closet and go for a bite. I heard through the grapevine that some of you got in some trouble laying an egg when you attempted dating on this site. Now, I pulled some strings over at Wild Hole Food Bistro, where we can swallow some chicken feed and stare at the skid row bums. They know I’m a bigwig. So, we can build a fire under that grocery gang and save the cash for later. If you think I’m going to sponge off of you forever, you’re mistaken. But if I smell a rat at Hole Food, we’ll have to skip back to my place. I know you’re a little wet behind the ears with making whoopee, but we can give it a whirl. But if you go AWOL before morning, you'll be dead as a doornail by afternoon. I caught my last date, MsShyStr8Shooter, red-handed trying to sneak out. Well, she was at the end of her rope anyway, I guess. I hope it’s not raining cats and dogs. I have somewhat of a cold.
Snif, snif. We’ll just have to bite the bullet and give it a shot. Rest. The night might prove to be exhausting, because I really like to dance, and as for hip hop moves, I am the top banana. I’ll get three sheets to the wind, and you can watch and have your nicotine. We’ll paint the town red, darlin. I respect your business of dating, but not the country that it serves. For this reason, if the date doesn’t go well, I will surely get my hands on another cracker jack. If any of this rubs me the wrong way, and if there’s any question in your mind who is running the show here, well, it’s me. No pressure on your end. I never keep a lady guessing. Always stick to the plan. However, I’m not pulling your leg here. If you do not follow my instructions, I will put you through a rigorous makeover.
Name: SnifflesClishay007
Age: No spring chicken
Status: Widower, she’s six feet under
Gender: your man
Looking for: let me rack my brain…if the partner knows all of my business and then wants to skedaddle, well, we’ll have to settle that when the time comes, involving target practice. And we will settle it. I enjoy closure.
Interested in: fast cars, late night quickie marts, hanky panky, pull-up bars, thunderstorms, fast, long walks, large duffel bags, locked suitcases, blowing bubbles, playing hide and seek on trains and subways, cracking crossword puzzles, walking my pit bull, mass quantities of Sudafed, science experiments, nipping things in the bud, baseball bats.
Occupation: graveyard shift, “warehouse lab technician,” don juan, the life of riley, read between the lines, I’m either loaded or I don’t do diddly squat
Body type: 5’8″, super sheik, I make young ladies blush and grannies laugh, up to snuff, fit as a fiddle
Eyes: brownish
Hair: bald, clean as a whistle
Tattoos/piercings: not sure what to make of the whole shebang
Children: Johnny, fifteen. He’s off the cuff. Helps me around the lab. I’d like to have a few more and keep it in the family, if it’s in the cards, because lately, business has been very busy, and we’re really filling up the trucks, and we could use a few more hands around the warehouse. Johnny’s nothing to be sneezed at.
Favorite movies: Blow, Pulp Fiction, Oceans 11, Die Hard, and don’t tell anyone, I mean it, if you do, there will be trouble, but I do love All Dogs Go to Heaven.
Snif, snif. Favorite TV shows: Cops, The Science Channel, and Dancing with the Stars makes me cry buckets.
I am on cloud nine, hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I WILL SEE YOU AT SHAFT RECORDS. Don’t make any first moves and don’t spill the beans, under any circumstances. No loopholes here. The man should always shoot the bull, then make the first move. And bring home the bacon. Don’t pass the buck or let the cat out of the bag. I will tell you when to act, and there won’t be any trouble, and you will have yourself a new boyfriend, lock, stock, and barrel. Remember, you don’t know beans about this, if anyone asks. If you hit the panic button, I might go haywire, and someone might kick the bucket or become a sandwich, hit the bitter end, see.
Well, I’m gung ho on this one. Can’t wait to see you, sweetheart. You are the bee’s knees. I’m afraid I might fall for you hook, line and sinker.
My motto: hands down or throw in the towel.
SnifflesClishay007
--C.A. MacConnell
