Letter from potential dater, BarbaraFriendofGays1234, to the F'n Rad Dating Site...
Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Hello to all of the internet! Especially gays! I’m Barbara. I just had my coffee with Miralax, because I was all stopped up! Not anymore! Now I think I’ll have some leftover turkey, if it’s still good in the fridge. Goshdarnit, wow, I’m not too great with these cell gadgets or computers or fancy new sites at all, but my kids suggested I put my profile on here just for some fun, haha, or I guess as you young ones say, LOL. Man, it has taken me all day to figure out how to post this. Now, now, I won’t tell you my real last name because yesterday, I did that, and I got taken for a real ringer. I thought I was talking to a LGBT3CPOQ organization and of course, right off the bat, I donated $3000 to the cause but oh my gosh, I later found out it was a fake spam person on the phone, and I can’t believe there are horrible people in the world like that. Right away, I had to call my neighbor, Sarah, and my sister-in-law, Suzanne, to warn them too. It boggles my mind that people would be such liars. Geezo, I also found out that Sarah’s getting a divorce, and Suzanne is having an affair with the landscaper, wow. Good for her. Her husband’s a good for nothing, lazy cheapskate with a nasty, mean dog that attacked my Maltese. Oh, please be quiet. I wasn’t supposed to share. Don’t tell anyone. I am not the type of woman to gossip.
Lord no, if you’re wondering, I’m sure not a lesbian. My husband, Dick, passed away last year, God rest his soul. I’m sure he’s up there playing 18 holes and drinking Budweiser with Jesus and his buddy Rod, who was quite feminine and in the closet I believe, but that’s between you and me. My gosh, I’m an empty nester now, but my five kids still keep me right busy, and they’re all straight as an arrow, which was disappointing to me, but nonetheless, I love them all just the same.
Name: BarbaraFriendofGays1234
Age: 70
Body type: working on it. Suzanne suggested that pilates class at the Y. I may have a go at it, because I heard the teacher is like Richard Simmons, who I adore. Is he part African American, with that curly hair? I’m not sure.
Gender: I am a female person, but I don’t mind if you were once female and are not anymore. It is a-okay. I also think it’s great if you’re male. If you’re not sure, you can come right over! I’m just here hanging out with the dog, who has a tummy ache, and nothing’s really going on, except the drier is really acting up, and the dust buster is on the blink, and now that I think about it, it’s been three days, and I really need to change the sheets, oh my. And gosh, the window cleaner’s coming in about a half hour. I better jump in the shower, because I’m sure crummy!
Hang on, I’ll be back.
I’m back. Clean now, but my hair is a wreck. My gay hairdresser would have a fit if he saw me right now.
Interested in: single or divorced men with a boat. I don’t like motorcycles, because my nephew had one, and he can barely see straight or walk these days, because of the accident. My brother told me he’s actually on the pipe, but I know he’s a good boy, and he’d never do drugs, so that’s silly. I do not like gossip. I mean, my brother’s one to talk. His wife called me the other day, and she told me the real reason they don’t have kids is because he only has one testicle. Between you and me.
Although I’m not interested in women for a romantic relationship, I love to meet lesbians; I see women with those cute, spikey, shaved cuts all the time when I’m out and about town, running errands, and I always smile wide and wave. One time, one of them even checked my car oil for me. So thoughtful. I treated her to a soft serve. In fact, now that I think about it, when I was young, nobody was a lesbian. Back then, I think there were some other gays, because I remember my neighbor Tommy having a really high voice when he missed a catch in football but in those days, no one invited the gays over for a meal, which was a real shame. Come over! I just got this yummy sourdough on sale, and I could warm it up. The butter’s straight from a cow over on the west side.
I would like to meet a straight man around my age, one who enjoys a good meal and some bird watching. The last man I dated, Richard Smitherman, who lives over on the west side, was a real looker, but I lost interest when his ex told me he used to bet on the horses, and then he said some negative things about the gay jockeys, which is something I will absolutely not tolerate.
Interests: I enjoy going to the grocery, tennis, boat rides, water aerobics, cul-de-sac neighborhood parties, chair yoga, having my kids’ gay friends over for dinner, and touching black babies.
I have to go! My window washer is here, and I think he or she or it is one of those trans people! And it’s Mexican too! Oh my gosh, I am so excited. I better brush up on some Spanish. I hope it’s still here in an hour, because right now, I’m whipping up some bean soup.
BarbaraFriendofGays1234
-- C.A. MacConnell
