Note from the author, C.A. MacConnell: this is actually from my comedy archives...I just thought it might be a funny way to end on this comedy site for the time being while I take a brief hiatus from blogging so that I can focus on my next book. In the meantime, I hope you can check out the rest of the characters on here as well, as I work hard on the voices, as random and ridiculous as some of them are. It takes a lot of time to settle back and grab a hold of these voices, but it's all practice for me, so I roll with it. I admit that many of the writings had me laughing to tears. :) Hope you have a beautiful day, and hope I can make you laugh too, that is all! Love to you, C.A.
At the F’n Rad Dating Site, we understand that there is a time in every dater’s life when he/she/they must change jobs in order to join a mate to cohabitate in another locale, and we encourage such choice maneuvers! When resigning from the work force, one must always leave in an appropriate manner. When it was time for our potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222, to move on from her current position, she decided to share her smooth transition with us. Here is a transcript, a perfect example of a proper resignation letter, sent to us directly from our potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222. Read and learn…
Suitable letter of resignation example, sent to the F’n Rad Dating Site, from potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222
2/17/23
Pegasus Car Wash
cc: Monster, Indeed, LinkedIn, F’n Rad Dating Site
Dear Pegasus Car Wash (that’s right, YOU, you beady-eyed prick, the person in charge who schedules me and wears the baseball cap with the fucking wings on it. When I say “prick,” I mean that in the nicest sense of the word):
I know where you live, and if you get toilet papered here soon, well, it wasn’t me; however, if you happen to receive an overnighted, unmarked box full of elephant shit, that was definitely me. Just wanted to be clear. In the workplace, I'm all about being professional and providing people with clarity, especially when it involves a special delivery order of super-sized crap.
It's important to share feelings.
Also, I'm writing to announce my formal resignation from Pegasus Car Wash, effective -- not two weeks -- but two seconds from this date. This is my official notification. In fact, by the time that you find this letter, I will already be gone. Repeat after me…Bye bye, Bye bye. Bye by bye bye bye bye bye bye by bye bbbbbb bbyyyyyyeeeee bybybybybybyby bybybybybyby bybybyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Seeya, wouldn’t wanna be ya. Later when you’re greater. Me gone. Like magic! I have vanished from your life completely. Poof. Let me be really, super-duper clear here: Ba-Bye. Bye, bye, baby, bye bye.
Actually, before you even notice this letter, I will be gone, because I am never coming back, never ever, not even to wash my car, and I will tell all other people I meet to never ever visit Pegasus. In addition, I will send out emails and fliers to people everywhere encouraging them to visit Lucky Waves Car Wash instead, because we all know they're cheaper, and they have a better variety of car fresheners that hang from the mirror. They even have the dolphin one that smells like Spring Ocean California Breeze! And you don’t, green-bean-diarrhea-for-brains, let’s face it. You lie and tell people it's out of stock, but you don’t have it, you lying sack of shit who only wears dirty sweatpants that literally make you look like a sack of shit. Now, don’t get mad – many people look like a sack of shit. I mean, on the Sack of Shit planet, you would totally fit right in.
No hard feelings, I’m just stating the obvious.
Now, let’s get real here…Lucky Waves has a Chicklets machine that actually works. Now, if it were me, and I were going to choose a car wash, that last statement would make my choice a no-brainer. Now that I’m leaving Pegasus, I can tell you that your gum choices and your clothing choice and your mean, unbelievably inaccurate scheduling emails suck balls.
Sure, I was a mere freelance worker, and you only called me in when you needed an extra Vacuum Suction Girl, but I still wanted to be thorough in my professional dealings with you and explain why I'm leaving in a kind and loving way. Here goes. I would like to give you a suggestion: take that Pegasus winged hat of yours and fly, motherfucker, fly, because you’ll need to now that I’m gone. You’re gonna be one Vacuuming Bitch for a little while. I know that I was supposed to work a shift today, but I didn’t show out of thoughts of you. See, I couldn’t find the right clothes to cover up my tattoos, and I couldn’t get the nose ring out, so I figured you wouldn’t want me coming in like that, because I've had to hide all that shit the whole time I’ve been working there, so as not to scare the high quality clients, even though the lady who works the front counter has a pierced cheek, and you let that slide because she’s totally banging you, we all know it, which is interesting and ironic, but it also makes me realize that you are a complete asshole and not to mention, your face looks like a possum, and when you dyed your hair blond it looked like snot, and so I decided I needed a change in my environment. Now, don’t take that asshole thing personally. Or the snot thing. I am just being completely open and honest with you here.
I think it’s good to get it all out on the table. I’m all about serenity and being free. I pray for you daily.
This was not an easy decision to make on my part. I cried for months. I mean, I really cried. I went to therapy, and I’ve enclosed my therapy bill as well, because I feel that Pegasus should cover the difference. I know that the bill doesn’t look like it’s coming from a therapist, because it’s on loose leaf and handwritten, but I wanted you to have the raw copy straight from my therapist’s handwriting, as I think that’s appropriate. Please pay up. Cash is best.
On a positive note, however, the past three months of Pegasus work have been very rewarding. I’ve been able to drink a shit-ton of free coffee, bum a lot of cigarettes, and I even hooked up with a few other workers, which was smokin'. Let me say that there’s more than one use for those vacuums. I totally enjoyed this part of working for you and working with a very successful (and very promiscuous) team. The tips were great!
Thank you for the opportunities for growth – the constant harassment, for talking down to me, and for all of the other amazing spiritual soul lessons that you have provided me. By the way, your blond wife can stop sending me scheduling emails now too. They make no sense, and I seriously could do a better job. Also, tell her she looks like Mrs. Possum and tell her that we can all see her wormy mustache. Dayum, get you some wax, girl. Or let the fucker grow and just be your Tom Selleck self. All I’m saying is this…make a decision, one way or the other.
Thanks so much for expanding my horizons. I actually got to work as a towel drier girl for a while, and that was a good day until lunch, when you had me change jobs and move to stand right in the middle of the car wash wearing a rain coat and six-foot-tall wings to act like a funny puppet for the kids in the cars, which was very scary and very cold, although I was quite good at it, you have to admit.
Well, Possum Face, I wish you and the rest of the people at Pegasus all the best. I hope I never, ever see you again, but I would like to use you as a reference if possible, so just let me know -- that would be super. Hey, I just meditated and decided that I wish you and the rest of the crazy bitches there much success in the future.
Best,
FlyMFPegasus222
-- C.A. MacConnell
