Success Story: DaManDaMutt12345

We here at the F'n Rad Dating Site like to share when a match proves to be successful. Congratulations, dater! Here's a follow-up letter from our F'n Rad Dater, DaManDaMutt12345

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Suck me, date world. Now I’m scoring, so I’m out. Here’s the history: so, I rode my board down to the Levee, ‘cause my Hyundai was over at the shop getting the lube, and I swore to the Big Fat Man in the Sky that the super sloth mechanic was never gonna get it done. Motherfucker was cracked out on goddamn Lucky Charms or some shit, but he did score me a fast-food deal on my skull tat gettin done, so while I was waiting for a century, I went to get inked, and now the damn skull looks more like that alien from the Flintstones. You know, that green mofo. I told that tattoo dick I wanted a scaryass skull with blood and daggers and shit, and I ended up with some cartoon fuckin' head. Cracked us up at first ‘cause we were so loaded, but then I came back to Earth and puked, and I was like dayum, this shit’s not gonna rub off, you know wha I’m sayin? Guess I’m gonna have to put fuckin' Wilma and Fred on there too.

So, I huffed it on down to the Levee, and I had sweat rings the size of Uranus, but I was packing some twenties from a choice alley deal with some crazy mofo circus clown. So, since I still had my balls, and I was Richie Rich from the skunk, I thought I might get me some of that Tilapia at the Levee fish joint for once, ‘cause I love that special tartar they scoop out, but then I went to Distractedland, because there were some choice ponies hanging out by movie ticket central, holy fuck. Since I swallowed some candy earlier, stupid me had a panic attack, and I swear I could’ve coughed up a loogie the size of a hot air balloon.

Nobody was home on my face. But I just played it chill. What sucked was that there was some competition – some showoff motherfucker with a boa constrictor, and he was acting cool and calling all the kids over to pet it. So, things got heated in my guts, and I thought about Dragonslaying his ass right then and there, and I guess he came from the zoo, but I was so pissed he was stealing my action. I thought about going for the jugular, but then I ducked around the corner and got tanked and meditated on the situation.

Then I came back to stare at the snake, ’cause by then I thought it was freaky too, and I think I hurled, and I took my shirt off just to let the snake bro and the choice ladies know I was cut and lean. I admit I was getting bored and missing my cable, when this one choice chick comes up to me and gets right in my sun. Alls I could see was her melons, and she wasn’t skinny, but I dropped my board and thought, Dayum, this Melon is stacked.

My eyes were getting slitty from being up all night on da live chat, and I was getting freaked out by some graffiti, when Melon took me across the street to bang me right then and there. I knew we might make a puppy. Then we scored some free popcorn from my cuz at the movie central, and we had us some girly princess Dreamweaver talk about our moms, my two girls, the boys, double stuff cookies, and the twins out in Goshen. Melon likes that Creamy Deluxe icing shit, so we bonded on that action, and I got a little carried away being me, and it got so real I thought a priest might show right up and tell us we were sharing names and shit. Just to cool things down, I pulled out my ghetto blaster from my backpack, and I showed her some of my happy performance art skate moves, and I played the Phil Collins, and she started fucking crying.

So then I knew -- this bitch is for real. I love this canteloupe.

So don’t give up, even if you’re an introvert fat boy or about to kill someone, ’cause here’s what happened…me and Melon stole some Wild Turkey, then took the piss central Metro to ride around the city for no reason, and when we get the Hyundai back, we'll take all the kids on over to the park and have playtime swinging until we can’t feel our asses, and it'll be one big Happy Meal. Hey, where the fuck is dat clown ass creepyface Ron McDonald? Man, he was one freaky mother, and you got to wonder if he's locked up or surfing some porn.

But let’s be real about all this action – if you get some bitch in at the site, and she's super smokin', just look me up on da live chat, 'cause me and Melon might be up for some Party of Three.

You know wha I'm sayin,
DaManDaMutt12345

-- C.A. MacConnell