Asking the Father-in-law's Permission

At the F’n Rad Dating Site, we are aware that many people are terrified to ask their future father-in-law for permission to marry their partner. And rightly so. Sometimes, the father-in-law can be passive aggressive, downright dangerous, shit-faced, a loose cannon, or simply, a complete asshole. No matter how close the potential partner may be with the father-in-law, the moment of asking is always somewhat horrific…

The father-in-law could embarrass the potential dater -- say no, say nothing at all (leaving the person lost, confused, and horny as all hell), or…the father-in-law may pull out his boxing/karate moves, a revolver, a hacksaw, his prized college baseball bat, the closest kitchen knife and/or hammer, a random (middle drawer, garage storage cabinet) screwdriver, or a sawed-off shotgun. We’ve even heard of times when a stapler, a few rusty nails, and some sandpaper caused some damage; however, no worries...if there are firearms involved, remember, most likely, the father-in-law has not had much target practice. And if he has, plain and simple, do this: tell him that you are joking, that you are an Amazon delivery driver dreaming of becoming a standup comic, and run like hell.

Some potential daters consider calling instead. If you choose this option, we suggest keeping a distance, such as at least 9,000 miles. Do the math.

Today, some people believe that it’s politically correct to ask both parents. Bad idea. The mother will often cry, immediately accept your emotional appeal, and force you to eat her spoiled tuna casserole, which is oftentimes worse than the father’s possible rage, and the whole scene can cause an anti-therapeutic, emotional imbalance, as well as the possible need for a future exorcism.

If the parents are divorced, your route may prove to be easier. Make sure to corral them (as well as the extended families on both sides) in the same room so that you can get a good chuckle when they all feel like punching each other. Any and all distractions can prove to be helpful. Always good to have a barroom brawl moment to break the ice.

Many suitors choose a private, remote, calm, neutral location in order to tentatively approach the parents. We at the F’n Rad Dating Site believe that idea to be utterly boring. Instead, spring it on them in a public place, so that they can’t say no without looking like dicks. We suggest a metro bus, a crowded restaurant, a bowling alley, or a funeral. Some potential daters have had good luck at churches during the middle of sermons or in church basements, during 12-step meetings, at the moment when a buff, fresh-out-of-detox-50-year-old-roofer is blubbering and crying about his childhood trauma. The main goal here is to express your sincere love for your partner, as well as your thin-lipped, slightly sideways, barely audible whisperings about your intention to become a part of the family's inheritance.

In special situations, your fiancé might have been a runaway or secretly adopted. In such delicate cases, in order to reveal how completely unraveled your suitor may become in the future, and so that you’ll be prepared for the onslaught of possible complete fucking hysteria, take some time to track down the parents and have a surprise reunion on a daytime talk show.

C.A. MacConnell