SisterMaryOnHigh568

Letter from potential dater, SisterMaryOnHigh568, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Through Him, with Him, and in Him. In the unity of the Holy Spirit. All glory and honor are Yours, almighty Father, forever and ever. Also, all glory and honor are Yours, Orange is the New Black.

Blessed creatures, I see that you are glowing with God’s light!

The sisters and I knelt down on uneven, hard ground until it dug into our skin and blood poured over the earth, and we prayed for you and then, I posted some spiritual retreat events to our FB page, and God led me to the F’n Rad Dating Site. After a few hours of meditation and some time spent sawing off my thumb to repent, I knew that was in God’s plan that I write to you in the unity of the Holy Spirit. As it has been many years since I’ve trudged my way to happy destiny in the dating world, I fasted and prayed again. Then I sneaked into the church daycare and became so stoned, I was blind. After I ate a dozen doughnuts, I flogged myself, which was ever so difficult, considering the missing thumb.

We are all God’s children, and unfortunately, some daters stray from the divine plan, and although I may occasionally join the church custodian in dropping acid, I am no bastard.

Find a comfortable position.

First, let us pray.

Heavenly One, I praise and worship you, because the Father makes me, but also because I’m honored to be your servant forever, and I take my stand today against all devils and their schemes against me, especially when I am hiding in the confessional snorting cocaine. Great One, today, I pledge to take up some Armor. When I order it on EBay credit, please secure my Armor in place on me, because it is rather heavy and expensive, and I am a small person, and when I am drunk, I worry I might fall down. I pledge to take up the Shield of Faith. I put on the Helmet of Salvation, which protects my mind from the fiery darts of the evil one, as well as the fiery farts of Sister Ruth who lives in the adjoining room, as well as my enemy's attacks, and my mind's own attacks when I’m blessing the holy water after I smoked a blunt and watched Martha Stewart’s cooking show. I put on the Breastplate of Righteousness. Holy Greatness, I am indebted to my Breastplate, because I am lacking in the breast area. I gird my Loins with the Belt of Truth. I don't know why because my Loins haven't seen any action in a long time, but I do it anyway. I shod my feet with the preparation of the Gospel of Peace. I do this because I really need a Holy Pedicure. I will use the Sword of the Spirit in whatever situation I may face today, and I admit, that is fun, especially right after the Loins part, which can be lonely. Thank you for showing me how to use the Armor of the Great One. Please help me when I go out into the Battlefield today, because my life really is like that game Battleship, but not a game, more like a scary war zone. In the name of my Breastplate, and in the name of all Loins, Amen.

Name: SisterMaryOnHigh568

Age: 80

Gender: Androgyne. I am energy divine, a representation of the Trinity. Holy Mother Mary of God pray for us sinners now until the hour of our death, Amen. I believe that you have been sent to me by Our Father who art in Heaven, and you may be saints at work in the world, even though some of you might be Satan’s serpent in disguise.

Status: Single, Virgin

Smoke/Drink: Indeed! I am grateful.

Tattoos/Piercings: I have a small butterfly on my left ankle from the days before I devoted my life to the holiness. After many years, the butterfly more closely resembles a bat, but I am not attached to my physical body and skin, so when I take a short bath once a month to conserve water, I do not even notice the bat anymore. All right, sometimes I do notice the bat, but I then quickly let it go.

Interested in: women. I do not discriminate when it comes to features. I am absolutely open forever and ever and ever, Amen. Open. There is nothing under my robes, I am so open.

Interests: Praying four times a day, eating three nutritious meals a day, power walking, making sure my tennis shoes stay completely white, occasional fasting, trying not to sweat, smoking in the Chapel, sunscreen, moisturizer, drinking, guilt, fixing my hair into a beehive like Amy Winehouse underneath my habit so no one can see, wearing loose clothing, making rosaries, lighting candles, making sure I blow out the candles, walking under the stone Jesus who is suspended from the ceiling in the Chapel and saying to him “hi there” or “please don’t become unattached.” Sometimes, I become anxious and fall into a worldly state of fear when it comes to that stone Jesus, but each day, I begin to trust that he will not fall.

Occupation: Sister of the Sisters on High

Music: I prefer Gospel. Also, the orphaned children who stay with us introduced me to Spotify. Or, on a more meditative day, light piano jazz, The Grateful Dead, Snoop Dogg, Willie Nelson, and Phish. When the other sisters are already in the Chapel, I might listen to a little Motley Crue. Later, I recite 50 Hail Marys to purge Hell from my system, because although we all know that beings have intercourse in order to reproduce, to discuss it is evil, and although I am pure, Nikki Sixx is going to straight to Hell.

Religion: I am very devoted to the sisterhood. But the dater I am seeking need not be devoted to the Lord. Rather, she may be a heathen.

Looking for: I would like someone to take walks with me, pray with me, eat meals with me, and maybe go talk to that stone Jesus with me, because I believe he gets lonely hanging from the ceiling in the Chapel. I am also looking for someone who will pay on our dates, as the sisters are saving their money for a mission trip. I am looking for a matching soul who dresses appropriately for the time of day, whether it be for meal or prayer time. Just to clarify, I am definitely a virgin, if you do not count that high school encounter I had after the keg party, when I was with Lizzy Beard in the El Camino.

Body Type: 5’10”, flawless skin, a little round in the middle

Eyes: blue

Hair: Crystal Gale, Kim Kardashian

Contact info: There is a gap in praying between 2-3pm. I could probably disappear for a while and no one would know. If you could bring an easy-to-clean bowl, as well as some California bud, I’d be grateful. If you like, I could bring some communion wine, but don’t expect any unblessed wafers, because we might get struck down.

Just to be clear, I am not into serpents or anything resembling a snake, a cigar, a fire hose, a jolly stick, a torpedo, a cannon, a third leg, a banana, a cucumber, or a sausage. I am, however, into holes, cream pies, cherries, deep folds, crevices, beavers, flowers, kitties, peaches, honeypots, lady gardens, cupcakes, conversing with Moses, speaking in tongues, going downstairs for breakfast, pearl diving, yodeling in the canyon, carpeting, and pink tacos, amen.

Blessings,
SisterMaryOnHigh568

-- C.A. MacConnell