Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Welcome. What can I get ya? Hurry gotta get to bed soon, up again at 2am, but saw MrBarista777 on your site…I’m a barista too…no SB tho, high end bakery, wanted to reach out…seems MrB&me had lots in common…don’t have time for date bio...gotta go waiter told me to make 3 lattes or fuck off…but here’s a transcript of my day…
Customer: Hi! I've never been here before.
Barista (with a straight face): Cool.
Customer (grinning wildly): Well, I was just wondering what you would recommend?
Barista (rolling eyes): I dunno, I had a PB&J the other day that was pretty good. I mean, I made it myself with the leftover butt end of the bread when the cooks weren't looking.
Customer: Isn't that on the kids menu?
Barista: We don't have a kids menu, but if we did, it sure would be, yes. Man, I hate kids.
Customer (smiling nervously): Actually, looking at you, it's hard to tell if you're a kid or a woman.
Barista: Well, I know, I get that all the time since I'm small. Thanks a lot for treating me like I should be holding a Care Bear and blankie. So, glad you're here, the veggie burger is pretty good.
Customer (raising eyebrows): Well, okay, I'll try it I guess. What kind of bread is it on?
Barista: Buns. Big round buns. Best buns in the city. I love buns.
Customer: Uh, sounds good. I'll have it.
Barista: The burger or my buns?
Customer: Uh, the burger, with the bun.
Barista: Oh, man, I'm sorry, I'm not that kind of girl. My whore days are over. But that one over there is a real slut (pointing at a server).
Customer: Just give me the burger.
Barista: You mean plain? That's silly. It's not as good without the bun.
Customer (hands on hips): Well, I wanted the bun, but...
Barista: Settle down lady! I don't want to have to get Vice in here for sexual harassment.
Customer: This is ridiculous! Just give me a PB&J.
Barista: Oh, okay, back to that. Hm, let me just make sure we have some jam left. I dropped a teacup in the jar earlier and it smashed all over the place. I think I got all the glass out of it though.
Customer (sighing): I'm so hungry, just give me something. You have honey? I could have PB& honey?
Barista: Lady, I'll get you your sandwich, but I'm not your 'honey'. I mean, I think Shakira and Mary Stuart Masterson are hot, but it about ends there. Also, there's a girl upstairs that's smokin', but I think she's engaged.
Customer: Forget it, I'll just take one of these cutout cookies. I'm in a hurry.
Barista: I see you chose the Mardi Gras themed mask cookie. Interesting. Tells a lot.
Customer: Like what?
Barista: Well, some people like to wear masks. You know, to hide their true selves.
Customer: Listen, my sugar is low, and I'm shaking and would you just ring me up for the damn cookie?
Barista: Like I said, some people are really hiding some childhood fury. Not saying you, just saying some people.
Customer: Jesus, well, if you were going to pick a cookie, what would you pick?
Barista: The hot dog one for sure.
Customer: Why is that?
Barista: Isn't it obvious?
Customer: Oh.
Barista: Anyway, so you want the PB&J or the mask cookie? Are you immature or a liar?
Customer: What the hell!? I really wanted the veggie burger, but I think I'll just take this granola bar.
Barista: You sure? They might be kind of old.
Customer: Yes!!!! Would you just ring me up?
Barista: You just don't seem like the granola bar type of lady.
Customer: Why is that?
Barista: I dunno, your skin's kind of oily, so I thought you might like something greasier.
Customer: The nerve! How is it that you still work here?
Barista: Man, I hate kids.
MsBaristaGrindXO298
-- C.A. MacConnell
Barista (with a straight face): Cool.
Customer (grinning wildly): Well, I was just wondering what you would recommend?
Barista (rolling eyes): I dunno, I had a PB&J the other day that was pretty good. I mean, I made it myself with the leftover butt end of the bread when the cooks weren't looking.
Customer: Isn't that on the kids menu?
Barista: We don't have a kids menu, but if we did, it sure would be, yes. Man, I hate kids.
Customer (smiling nervously): Actually, looking at you, it's hard to tell if you're a kid or a woman.
Barista: Well, I know, I get that all the time since I'm small. Thanks a lot for treating me like I should be holding a Care Bear and blankie. So, glad you're here, the veggie burger is pretty good.
Customer (raising eyebrows): Well, okay, I'll try it I guess. What kind of bread is it on?
Barista: Buns. Big round buns. Best buns in the city. I love buns.
Customer: Uh, sounds good. I'll have it.
Barista: The burger or my buns?
Customer: Uh, the burger, with the bun.
Barista: Oh, man, I'm sorry, I'm not that kind of girl. My whore days are over. But that one over there is a real slut (pointing at a server).
Customer: Just give me the burger.
Barista: You mean plain? That's silly. It's not as good without the bun.
Customer (hands on hips): Well, I wanted the bun, but...
Barista: Settle down lady! I don't want to have to get Vice in here for sexual harassment.
Customer: This is ridiculous! Just give me a PB&J.
Barista: Oh, okay, back to that. Hm, let me just make sure we have some jam left. I dropped a teacup in the jar earlier and it smashed all over the place. I think I got all the glass out of it though.
Customer (sighing): I'm so hungry, just give me something. You have honey? I could have PB& honey?
Barista: Lady, I'll get you your sandwich, but I'm not your 'honey'. I mean, I think Shakira and Mary Stuart Masterson are hot, but it about ends there. Also, there's a girl upstairs that's smokin', but I think she's engaged.
Customer: Forget it, I'll just take one of these cutout cookies. I'm in a hurry.
Barista: I see you chose the Mardi Gras themed mask cookie. Interesting. Tells a lot.
Customer: Like what?
Barista: Well, some people like to wear masks. You know, to hide their true selves.
Customer: Listen, my sugar is low, and I'm shaking and would you just ring me up for the damn cookie?
Barista: Like I said, some people are really hiding some childhood fury. Not saying you, just saying some people.
Customer: Jesus, well, if you were going to pick a cookie, what would you pick?
Barista: The hot dog one for sure.
Customer: Why is that?
Barista: Isn't it obvious?
Customer: Oh.
Barista: Anyway, so you want the PB&J or the mask cookie? Are you immature or a liar?
Customer: What the hell!? I really wanted the veggie burger, but I think I'll just take this granola bar.
Barista: You sure? They might be kind of old.
Customer: Yes!!!! Would you just ring me up?
Barista: You just don't seem like the granola bar type of lady.
Customer: Why is that?
Barista: I dunno, your skin's kind of oily, so I thought you might like something greasier.
Customer: The nerve! How is it that you still work here?
Barista: Man, I hate kids.
MsBaristaGrindXO298
-- C.A. MacConnell
