ICEFACE

Letter from potential dater, ICEFACE, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

When I share, I don’t hold back. I am, and always will be, as transparent as frigid, stream water. I’m aware that I have quite the unique and tragic personal background, and I wanted to be honest with all of you and reveal my story yet again, for those of you who are in the dark. My somber tale is not for the weak-hearted. Just thought I’d warn you before we even meet so that you’re prepared when you find out that I’ve been through hell and back…

Here’s my heartbreaking story: one day, my life changed forever. In the middle of winter, a rather large piece of ice was hanging from an overpass. Suddenly, when I drove under it, right at that moment, the immense chunk of ice fell. Hang on, I’m tearing up a little. When the ice broke through my windshield, it hit me in the side of my head, wedging inside my brain, but the incident didn’t take my life. Instead, unfortunately, when I arrived at the ER, doctors couldn’t remove the ice because it was positioned in my brain just the right way so that any slight movement would kill me, and so, for the rest of my life, I have been doomed to walk around with a huge icicle sticking out of my head.

Now I’m sobbing. For these reasons, I also have to wear a full-size freezer on my head, so that the icicle stays lodged perfectly in my brain and doesn’t melt and kill me.

So now I am ICEFACE.

Over the years, it has been an unbelievable struggle to live with a freezer on my head. I haven’t included photos in my Bio for various obvious reasons; however, my therapist assures me that it isn’t all negative. Some call me the new winter superhero. But I can only fight crime in subzero temperatures, or I have to wear my head freezer, which makes it difficult to save people’s lives; it is also challenging to kiss eligible bachelors, but I am one tough woman, so watch out. Well, really, you won’t have to watch out, because you can see me coming with that freezer on my head and all. But the good part is that just the sheer horrifying image of my ICEFACE usually scares evil people so much that most of the time, I don’t even have to do anything but appear, and they run screaming, which is perfect for a superhero. Don’t have to waste any time weeding out villains or skittish types.

It’s been a long, hard road for me. I’ve read all the self-help books, front to back. Twice. I’ve gone to all of the 12-step meetings that exist. I even created some of my own. Reflexology, massage, cranial-sacral therapy, light therapy, yoga, Pilates, church, no church, carbs, no carbs, paganism, veganism, vegetarianism, rawfoodism, nudism, spells, fortune cookies, magic 8 balls, horoscopes, inspiring quotes, flipping coins, caffeine, no caffeine, personal training, whole foods, vitamins, herbs, teas, getting wasted, getting sober, facials, meditation, chanting, hypnotism, and animal therapy – you name it, I’ve tried them all. I’ve put my whole heart into every single attempt at getting well considering my disability.

Life and dating have not been easy, although my dating has increased since my appearance on Netflix. And I suppose it helped to tell my story to the world, even though now I do receive an extreme amount of hate mail, death threats, hackers, and spam, and I can’t get a job or a date in this town, and most people think I’m a freak, and there have been mass rumors spread about me, and many people just run with terror when they see me, or they want to get kind of close and take pictures, but not too close, but, all that said, if being open with my story helped others and maybe saved some lives, then I guess it was all worth it.

I’m absolutely transparent and real 100% of the time. I am ICEFACE, the superhero, every moment. But I do have several different top-of-the-line freezers that I use for dress-up special occasions.

Name: ICEFACE

Gender: Female

Interested in: after my accident, I wasn’t choosy, but after much self-reflection and hard work, I realized I was definitely straight and into Drumsticks. Alas, I suppose anyone might get tired of the ice cave after a while, even though I will provide you with a lovely fur parka.

Occupation: Crime fighting, Former Video Store Employee

Interests: The North Pole, Santa, Christmas, New Year’s, pouring juice in ice cube trays and putting toothpicks in them to make little popsicles, the frozen food aisle, ice cream at the quickie mart, long walks, snow storms, appliance stores, penguins, Rudolph, Snow Cones, the Festival of Lights at the Zoo, polar bears, The Weather Channel, saving lives, spending time alone at the ice cave, and the Snow Miser.

Kids: Open. Not feeling exclusive at the moment. Brr.

Thanks again for taking me in, despite my situation. I think that my time at the F’n Rad Dating Site might be a new beginning for me. My current doctor team suggests that I try new activities. Now, I’m heading out to Best Buy. I hear there’s a sale on the French Door refrigerators. Then I will engage in five hours of Art Therapy to make sure that was the best decision. I do hope you like Ben N Jerry’s, or Soy Dream, if you will.

Sincerely,
ICEFACE

-- C.A. MacConnell