SmoothieDontfme68

Letter from potential dater, SmoothieDontfme68, to the F'n Rad Dating Site

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

I’m feeling girly. If I had a favorite, you would be my favorite.

Wow, I would so love to be your best friend soul mate.

Well, hey U. How you doin? Hello out there slightly sexy and unattractive people! Howdy. Hi to all the straight and confused ladies! And newly divorced men who want to be friends! And people in between! Want to come over for a smoothie!???? Let’s fire up the blender. I’m hot for the strawberry banana! I made a special trip to get some wet, smooth yogurt for you. Hurry, it expires soon! Bring it on! But give me an hour so I can shave and put on invisible makeup and old, used sweatpants.

I miss you so much in the morning when it rains on Sundays.

Protein powder? What RU doing? :0 Last night, I was so scared you were in trouble! Are you OK? I worry about you some hours all the time. I like you sooooo much. <3 I could make the carrot one special for you and make some extra and put it in Tupperware for you to take home!

Guess what? A teddy bear was on sale at Target, and I picked it up for you, but I stuffed it in the back of the closet and saved it because I wasn’t sure if it was the right one. There could be moths. Maybe you should come check it out before it gets eaten!

Sometimes, I look for U.

Hey, remember when I wrote that on your FB last week? Did you smile? I was totally smiling when I wrote it! And touching myself, because I had an itch. What I meant was that I would like to be your friend and get to know you for many years forever and ever and then some. Ever see that movie, The Princess Bride? That's right, I will always come for you, and I will always be there for you when we’re watching the movie. Do you like mango? I sure do, on Wednesdays and Fridays. I will write you poetry, sing you songs, meet up with you, text you late into the night, and sit next to you same-siders at the restaurants, because I want to hang out with you, share popcorn, laugh about how it makes our tummys hurt, and you can tell me about when you had zits and got bullied, and I will put my arm around you. <3 😉

U are the love of my life so much of the time.

Man, I would totally love to get married someday, wouldn't you? But I’m not sure who that’ll be. :) Who's it gonna be for you? So fun to think about that, and I totally can’t wait! In the meantime, maybe we could go see some strippers together? Any gender, I don't care. Wouldn't that be funny? I’ve had goose bumps all day thinking about it.

Wow, if I were going to have sex with someone right now, the person would look so much like you.

If we were on a bus together, I would sit right next to you every single day. You could be my ultimate bus buddy, and I could tell you how I love you the most, and I could tell other people too! Let’s do laundry together! Let’s cut avocados and squish them and paint each other’s faces green and watch the blender go round and round and hold our ears and go hahaha when it's too loud. Let’s go see live music and look for smokin’ hot people. Let’s watch porn separately and tell each other all about it! Let’s order toys for each other! Let’s text late into the night, then go to sleep alone and maybe cry! I love that action. I'll give you something to hug. Come over! I have a special body pillow waiting for you.

Where have you been hiding?

Straight up orange juice? I bet you’re tough. I bet you can handle some rinds. Cool! What are you doing? I've been totally wondering what you're doing some evenings. Come over! We can have a party with pears and whipped cream, and then we can watch When Harry Met Sally, and then you can go home, and I can stay up for a while and…

Name: SmoothieDontfme68

Gender: Bigender, female at the moment. How you doing? I'm worried. I will be who you want me to be, and then I will be someone else if you want! Come over!

Hair: light brown, lighter in summer, sometimes darker, depending.

Height: Not sure. I was growing, then shrinking.

Build: leanish, sometimes bigger, depends on the season, and whether or not overdosing on nut butter, flaxseed meal, and granola

Interested in: I see myself with women, in my dreams, but oftentimes the boobs melt off. Come over! I also see myself with men in these visions, but sometimes they wear coconut bras. Let’s hang out! Where should we meet up? By the watermelons? Hey you, guess what? In the back of the fridge, I spy nectarines!

My nipples are hard. Wow, it’s cold.

Age: debatable, adopted

Occupation: currently interviewing, still mulling it all over, income fluctuating, depending on what’s fresh

Interests: Whatever U want to do, I’m game! My place! Tonight! Or whenever, if you can make it. I’m all about flexibility. Fruits and vegetables, thunderstorms, long walks, dreaming about you and talking to you out loud in my car. Love you so much nearly every second. Almost.

Spirituality: What's going on? You've been so quiet. I believe in you, man friends and girl friends. Cucumbers! Peaches!

Looking for: Sometimes, all people are juicy, but really, I am looking for my true love pen pal. You know, someone that will hang out with me and send me love letters, and I can write suggestive letters and emails in return. I would also like for us to hole up in my apartment for days and nights on end and watch a bunch of old movies, and we can sit on the couch and not touch and act awkward.

Kids: Wow, I don’t know, what do you think I should do about that situation? Can we meet up for coffee ASAP? I really need an ear. That baby thing kind of crept up on me. No more celery/beet combos for me.

Activities: I would really like your opinion on my new kitchen table. Also, I’m thinking about changing the tile in the bathroom, and I’d like you to see the samples, just for fun. I wonder what paint color you’d pick for the study?

Contact info: Call me, I'm so bored. Hey there, call me soon! I'm out of cherries, and I’m very, very concerned.

I would write more, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Are you in trouble? Let’s get into trouble together! We’ll be so bad. Wow, I’m so fucking horny. Are U? Call me! Let’s talk about it!

SmoothieDontfme68

-- C.A. MacConnell