Advertisement: B.S. Investments' Three-legged Dirty Harry

Hi daters on the scene! We at the F'n Rad Dating Site are forced to take a brief hiatus, as our C.E.O. is currently being subpoenaed for time spent with a choice dater called Sunny Spaniels, who is quite a looker, we might add, but not actually a free potential dater, we found out later. Well, in light of the current case, we are forced to bring you yet another word from our sponsor, B.S. Investments. Read and learn...

Horse for Sale:  B.S. Investments' Three-legged Dirty Harry

Make no mistake, riders. The rumors are true. Maybe Three-legged Dirty Harry wasn't made for the traditional racetrack, but after his extensive reform, Harry has stunned the equestrian world and proven himself in numerous disciplines. Just a mere two years back, our veteran, 40-year trainer, Priscilla Isabel Soundbury, graciously saved Three-legged Dirty Harry from slaughter in Florida. Equipped with automatic firearms, our elite, concealed-carry-trained veterinary team literally dragged Harry off of the boat when he was heading overseas for dog food. Although the meat cutters sawed off one of his legs before we could haul poor, innocent, suffering Harry to a sanctuary in Santa Cruz, California, just one mere year into his recovery, this soft-hearted, but determined talent, a 17h bay gelding, proved himself to the entire equestrian world. After his recovery, Harry went on to win the Grand National Steeplechase event, as well as the Grand Prix at Kentucky Indoors. Respected throughout the horse world, stylish and well-rounded through and through, Harry enjoys his time off on the automatic walker, as well as the aquaciser, in order to continue his therapy, but between sessions, he is ready and eager to carry any rider, large or small, experienced or novice; this show-stopper is a champion in any ring. In addition, with the purchase of Harry, the lucky owner will receive a full set of equine supplements, ten year's worth of monthly free nerve blocking treatments, as well as tools geared toward assistance with his breathing -- a full pack of tongue ties! -- all approved legal for horse sports.

For more information on this gentle, unique giant, please contact our 45-year veteran trainer, Priscilla Isabel Soundbury at DIR-TY33.

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: B.S. Investments' Neck Triangle

Hello daters on the prowl! First, we apologize. You see, we at the F’n Rad Dating Site recently posted a bio for our potential dater, MrRogersMOFO, but unfortunately, we discovered that his bio was indeed…purely spam. Quite embarrassing for us to admit, but we’re glad we caught the faker before he dug into OUR neighborhood. Anyway, please bear with us while we sort through the millions of recent potential dating applications we have received. In spite of this minor snafu, we have some good news! Our sponsor, B.S. Investments, has just received a patent for a new scientific wardrobe creation. Read and learn. And now, a word from our sponsor, B.S. Investments…

B.S. Investments' Neck Triangle

Folks, pay attention. Not to the bear, no. Look closer. See that strange, triangle-shaped threading that has suddenly appeared on sweatshirts in recent years? Well, search no more...at B.S. Investments, we've recently received a patent, and we’ve named that sucker the "Neck Triangle." Think about it, daters…when you were growing up, a Neck Triangle never existed on any sweatshirt that you owned. Never. These days, when you head out to buy a sweatshirt, it is damn hard to find one without the Neck Triangle. They are everywhere. Take a look around -- all over the planet, people are wearing sweatshirts with the Neck Triangle. Soon, they will take over the world. And sometimes, even some long-sleeved T-shirts have the Neck Triangle. Pretty soon, short-sleeved shirts will have the Neck Triangle. Then tank tops. And yes,...we at B.S. Investments have discovered a way to sew the Neck Triangle onto bikini tops as well.

What is life without the Neck Triangle? Without it, it could cost you your job, your finances, your relationships, your personal hygiene, and in the years before the Neck Triangle existed, many were driven back to the booze. You see, if you remove the stitching of the Neck Triangle, mass chaos ensues. Soon, the shirt turns to threads. A bomb goes off in every major city. Aliens descend from Uranus. Next, you guessed it -- Tom Cruise and the War of the Worlds. Armageddon, people.

Go ahead. Head on out to the store and without a doubt, you’ll see B.S. Investments’ Neck Triangle on a tank top. Soon, it’ll spread across the nation and the world. Don’t miss out! Get your Neck Triangle before it's too late!

Now, you might ask yourself this: Yo, what the fuck is that thing? Why is it there? What is the purpose? Exactly. That’s where the genius rests. Just buy it. Who gives a fuck.

And when you look down, keep asking yourself, Yo, what the fuck is that thing?

For more information on the Neck Triangle, please contact B.S. Investments at 543-NECK.

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

SnifflesClishay007

Letter from potential dater, SnifflesClishay007, to the F’n Rad Dating Site...

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Straight from the horse’s mouth, I am 100% alone. This gig is solo. Not attached at the hip. The writing is on the wall. I know this may seem like a pipe dream, or that something's fishy here, but it’s completely solid. Flatten your goosebumps, or I’ll read you the riot act. I admit I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I’ve been playing hooky all day, but I’ve got the plan in mind, and here’s what will happen: tonight, we’ll lick this plan into shape. I won’t beat around the bush here, cheesecake. Hope I’m not barking up the wrong tree, but follow my rules, and it’ll be as easy as falling off a log. When you arrive at Shaft Records, my old stamping ground, I will be standing near the Lionel Ritchie collection wearing all black. And a redneck trucker hat, just to fit in. And some enormous, mod, green sunglasses. I will be the only one not wearing Chuck Taylors, so you will know for sure it is me, Sniffles. When you see me, say, “I like Lionel, don’t you?” And I will respond, “I just bought a Guns-n-Roses poster.” And I will show you the poster, and I will give you the white elephant. You will do a double take, and we will face the music and know we are soul mates. That’s the plan. The plan will not change, so no worrying, prima donna. I am never wishy-washy. Do not even look at anyone else or talk gibberish, or I will develop a stiff upper lip, then turn into a green-eyed monster. On the flip side, once we make contact, you can let your hair down, and we’ll have a makeout session to break the ice, then let out all of our skeletons from the closet and go for a bite. I heard through the grapevine that some of you got in some trouble laying an egg when you attempted dating on this site. Now, I pulled some strings over at Wild Hole Food Bistro, where we can swallow some chicken feed and stare at the skid row bums. They know I’m a bigwig. So, we can build a fire under that grocery gang and save the cash for later. If you think I’m going to sponge off of you forever, you’re mistaken. But if I smell a rat at Hole Food, we’ll have to skip back to my place. I know you’re a little wet behind the ears with making whoopee, but we can give it a whirl. But if you go AWOL before morning, you'll be dead as a doornail by afternoon. I caught my last date, MsShyStr8Shooter, red-handed trying to sneak out. Well, she was at the end of her rope anyway, I guess. I hope it’s not raining cats and dogs. I have somewhat of a cold. Snif, snif. We’ll just have to bite the bullet and give it a shot. Rest. The night might prove to be exhausting, because I really like to dance, and as for hip hop moves, I am the top banana. I’ll get three sheets to the wind, and you can watch and have your nicotine. We’ll paint the town red, darlin. I respect your business of dating, but not the country that it serves. For this reason, if the date doesn’t go well, I will surely get my hands on another cracker jack. If any of this rubs me the wrong way, and if there’s any question in your mind who is running the show here, well, it’s me. No pressure on your end. I never keep a lady guessing. Always stick to the plan. However, I’m not pulling your leg here. If you do not follow my instructions, I will put you through a rigorous makeover.

Name: SnifflesClishay007
Age: No spring chicken
Status: Widower, she’s six feet under
Gender:  your man
Looking for: let me rack my brain…if the partner knows all of my business and then wants to skedaddle, well, we’ll have to settle that when the time comes, involving target practice. And we will settle it. I enjoy closure.
Interested in: fast cars, late night quickie marts, hanky panky, pull-up bars, thunderstorms, fast, long walks, large duffel bags, locked suitcases, blowing bubbles, playing hide and seek on trains and subways, cracking crossword puzzles, walking my pit bull, mass quantities of Sudafed, science experiments, nipping things in the bud, baseball bats.
Occupation: graveyard shift, “warehouse lab technician,” don juan, the life of riley, read between the lines, I’m either loaded or I don’t do diddly squat
Body type: 5’8″, super sheik, I make young ladies blush and grannies laugh, up to snuff, fit as a fiddle
Eyes: brownish
Hair: bald, clean as a whistle
Tattoos/piercings: not sure what to make of the whole shebang
Children: Johnny, fifteen. He’s off the cuff. Helps me around the lab. I’d like to have a few more and keep it in the family, if it’s in the cards, because lately, business has been very busy, and we’re really filling up the trucks, and we could use a few more hands around the warehouse. Johnny’s nothing to be sneezed at.
Favorite movies: Blow, Pulp Fiction, Oceans 11, Die Hard, and don’t tell anyone, I mean it, if you do, there will be trouble, but I do love All Dogs Go to Heaven. Snif, snif.
Favorite TV shows: Cops, The Science Channel, and Dancing with the Stars makes me cry buckets.

I am on cloud nine, hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I WILL SEE YOU AT SHAFT RECORDS. Don’t make any first moves and don’t spill the beans, under any circumstances. No loopholes here. The man should always shoot the bull, then make the first move. And bring home the bacon. Don’t pass the buck or let the cat out of the bag. I will tell you when to act, and there won’t be any trouble, and you will have yourself a new boyfriend, lock, stock, and barrel. Remember, you don’t know beans about this, if anyone asks. If you hit the panic button, I might go haywire, and someone might kick the bucket or become a sandwich, hit the bitter end, see.

Well, I’m gung ho on this one. Can’t wait to see you, sweetheart. You are the bee’s knees. I’m afraid I might fall for you hook, line and sinker.

My motto: hands down or throw in the towel.

SnifflesClishay007

--C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: Oreo Cookie Mega Stuff

Hello daters on the prowl! Bear with us at the F'n Rad Dating Site while we sort through our numerous dating applications, which are hot and heavy at the moment! Until we present you with a new potential dater, please enjoy this word from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...

Horse for Sale:  B.S. Investments' Oreo Cookie Mega Stuff

Oreo Cookie Mega Stuff, or "Mega," as we call him at the barn, is a  5yo,14.2 hand, Morgan/Appaloosa/Warmblood stallion cross who was recently shipped in from overseas. In his past endeavors, Mega participated in the Royal Windsor Horse Show, as well as the London International Horse Show, placing in the top three. Although he's known for the speed of his trot over long distances, as well as the scope of his jump, Mega can tackle a canter pirouette with the best of any dressage test. An extremely social horse, Mega prefers to sleep in groups, and he will make a fine addition to any field or paddock. Although his skin is more delicate, and his bones are more fragile than the average horse, Mega has been known to carry a rider of any weight. He's a "kick and go" type of horse with a fast and easy gait, no rider experience necessary, but sometimes, due to his camouflage, it is difficult to find him amongst the rest of the herd. For this reason, Mega's been trained to answer to the wild, frantic, high-pitched yell:  "Come home, COOKIE!" Scream that like a hyena, and he'll come running back to the barn every time. Mega has excellent hearing and eyesight, and he can run at speeds of up to 35 miles per hour; he also has a powerful kick that can cause serious injury to a predator, like a raccoon, a possum, a lion, or an African wild dog, if you come upon any such pest at the stable. No farrier necessary. Mega's hard hooves are designed to withstand the impact of his body weight, as well as the dangers of any rocky terrain. 

For more information on B.S. Investments' Oreo Cookie Mega Stuff, please contact our 30-year veteran trainer, Priscilla Isabel Soundbury at 543-MEGA.

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

SweatItOut987

 Letter from potential dater, SweatItOut987, to the F'n Rad Dating Site...

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

Hello, F’n Rad daters! I admit I haven’t been dating much, due to my recent health problems. Currently, I have a rather large boil on my testicle, but I popped it, so I don't think it's infected. Here’s a picture I posted to Facebook in order to get some feedback. I’d like your opinion on it...



Age: 45
Gender: Male
Body type: gaunt
Hair: bald, due to a bout of psoriasis

Looking for: a sterile person. I also have a flu/covid/ear infection or something, as well as a torticollis of the neck, and so it may be difficult for me to turn my head and kiss you, but I will try! I would love to date if I weren’t so sick. The last time I got really sick like this was back in 2000. That's why I'm so incredibly stubborn when it comes to getting ill. I hate resting, but this one has taken me out. Now, I would visit the doctor, but I feel that social media is a better reference, and when it comes to this stuff, you and your body are on your own. But if you get sick, and we’re dating, my advice is to sweat it out.

Interested in: did I just hear you cough? You need rest, then you’ll feel better after you watch another movie. OH, I’ve had what you have. Better make sure you’re on an antibiotic. You should call someone to take a look at that! I’m on Flonase, but whatever you do, don’t use Afrin, because that’s addictive. My doc is great. You should call her. Mucinex works. You should try that. Or maybe not, you're already on some stuff, I dunno. Use that saline spray. That'll help your throat. Your eyes look red too. Back a few years ago, I had conjunctivitis once! My eye was seeping out and disgusting. It was like pouring out. Sounds like a BAD one. How’s about an ear candle? You ever tried that? I love those things. They're so cool. I don't know if they work, but they're cool. You're fine. You're getting better. Give it some time. Oh, man, you should call the doctor. I know you're not good at it at all, but maybe you should take it easy. Oh, I've had that before, it's BAD. Oh my god, I think I'm getting that too! It’s going around. Everyone at the office has it. I think my boss is still coughing, and I think he has the same thing, but he's two days ahead of you, I think. My Mom's been dealing with that all month. Make sure you eat. You gotta eat. Do you have a fever? How high? Try that neti pot. Do you have one? I don't have one, but I hear they work great. It's all connected up there...it's all just mucous. This could be life-shattering, and you’ll probably need surgery, but I have a strategy for you if you’re interested. Whether you are dealing with allergies or a heart attack, Epsom salts should do the trick.

STAND BACK! INCOMING!!

Did your ears just pop? Mine did. I also have an inverted nipple. I think I’ll hit the google search and Web MD. Wonder why my left hand isn’t working. And it seems as if there is blood pouring out of my right eye. Wonder what that means.

Can’t wait to spoon! With gloves on! See you soon! Can't wait to make love wearing plastic! <3
SweatItOut987

-- C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: Serene Moondancer

Hi daters! When we received the letter from IAMBobbieH2O yesterday, we were not aware of what the consequences might prove to be. It seems that while he was sending his profile to us at the F'n Rad Dating Site, Bobbie was slightly distracted at Bobo Breeze Indoor Water Park! when he was supposed to be lifeguarding children. Unfortunately, as a result, we have come into some slight legal trouble. Until we can sort out the details, please bear with us as we send you a word from our sponsor, B.S. Investments. Thank you for your patience. Sincerely, the F'n Rad Dating Site. And now, a word from our sponsor...

Horse for Sale:  B.S. Investments' Serene Moondancer

Serene Moondancer, or "Moon," as we call him at the barn, after earning the title of "United States Equestrian Team Horse of the Year," Moon showed on the A-circuit hunter/jumper level for 10 years, qualifying for Nationals, easily winning the Maclay Medal finals 5 years in a row. Proving himself as the perfect equitation horse on the planet, in addition, Moon is as calm and collected as they come, appropriate to use for walk/trot, crosspole, lead line, and beginner lessons. A smooth, mature ride, he has known success in every equestrian discipline, from barrel racing to intercollegiate to short stirrup. In 2010, once again, he galloped into stardom when he won the Kentucky Derby with lengths to spare. A mere short time later, he trotted his way through elite Saddlebred classes, moving on to become a Dressage legend. Although he has been gelded since his time on the track, Moon still prefers the ladies, and he would make a perfect trail horse for any aspiring, wealthy, retired owner who enjoys carrying a flask inside her hunt coat. As versatile as they come, Moon requires no turnout, as he is accustomed to the stall life 24/7. Over the years, during his endless time inside, he has learned to only poop and pee in one small corner of the stall, which makes for an easy clean. Although he cribs and kicks the barn walls so much that we had to renovate half of the stable, in hindsight, we realized it really needed a new look. Once, he escaped and adeptly kicked out the automatic watering system in every stall, causing a flash flood and the death of 3 cats, but it washed our aisles, making them sparkle and shine...well...like the moon. Daily, while cooped up, Moon has been quite useful. Often, Moon takes out at least 10 barn rats with one swipe of his hoof.

Such a champion shouldn't be endangered by time outside in the field. 

With the purchase of Moon, you'll also receive a free bucking strap, an autographed stick (which used to be a pitchfork before Moon grabbed a hold of it with his teeth and decimated it), and a full bottle of blood thinners, Ace, and other herbal tranquilizers to combat Moon's anxiety disorder, all designated legal prescriptions for horse sports.

If you are interested in Serene Moondancer, please contact our 20-year, veteran trainer, Priscilla Isabel Soundbury at 543-Moon.

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

IAMBobbieH2O

Letter from potential dater, IAMBobbieH2O, to the F’n Rad Dating Site...

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

Safety is my middle name. If YOU get in the way of my safety or the safety of one of these kids that have parents but are really MINE, we're done. You are no longer a part of my life if you mess with MY kids or the safety precautions necessary for my work. Just something I have to suffer through daily, a commitment of the job. And it won't change, so don't hope.

Anyway, I'm Bobbie, and I mostly like to stand.

I'm a lifeguard over at the Bobo Bird Breeze Indoor Water Park! I earned my whistle the other day, and I feel very at home here. There are many interesting people like me that work here. There's Pat, Chris, Charlie, and my best friend in the whole world, Chuck. I like Chuck the best because he knows who he is, and I aim to be that kind of person. We all do here. Chuck is the head lifeguard, and it takes MANY INTENSE TRAINING CLASSES to achieve his status and know who you really are. When he started here, he had to wear a life jacket, and he would only swim in the Lazy River or the 2'6" baby pool, and his name was Stacy.

Hang on, just getting used to the water this morning for work. Have to EASE in. Little chilly today. One should always allow the body time to adjust. Otherwise, a child could experience SHALLOW WATER BLACKOUT, NARCOSIS, AND OXYGEN TOXICITY, as well as IMPENDING COMA OR DEATH. Make sure to allow 30 minutes after eating before getting in the pools OR YOU MIGHT CHOKE ON YOUR OWN VOMIT OR LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR MUSCLE MEMORY AND DIE. I'm tougher than the children, because I practice for hours before work. I'm told by my coworkers that I would make a good polar bear, deep sea unknown fish, or megalodon.

Sorry, I'm a little distracted BY THE GOOSE BUMPS. Just adding in some HEAVY DUTY CHLORINE. We put so much chlorine in this pool, YOU’LL BE TASTING IT FOR DAYS if you go for a swim in here. Also works well for acne control. Good thing, too. Just about every kid around ILLEGALLY URINATES in this pool. Every now and then, straight sugar puke. Even saw one UNATTENDED TODDLER DEFACATE UNCONTROLLABLY in the baby pool once, but don't tell the parents because the parties are really expensive here. Hang on, let me take care of this IMPENDING HEALTH HAZARD. I must clean this wet Band-Aid and hair out of the drain.

Interests: CPR, Watching children, CENTERS FOR MISSING CHILDREN, fountains, tubes, pools, chemicals, ceramic mushrooms that shoot out water, plastic palm trees, watching sprinklers, family showers, RISK ASSESSMENTS, cheez pizza, MAINTENANCE OF PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT, vanilla bean ice cream, birthdays, FIRST AID KITS, twirling my whistle, wearing suits with shorts, scuba diving, diving in general, goggles, HEALTH AND WELFARE, enjoying 80 degree weather all year round, RED CROSS SAFETY CLASSES, shopping at DICKS Sporting Goods, AMERICAS MOST WANTED, football, baseball, field hockey, POISON CONTROL, women's olympic swimming and sometimes men's, FIRE AND EMERGENCY PROTOCOL, synchronized swimming, HEIMLICH MANEUVER, mermaids and mermen, cartoons with mermaids and mermen, MOUTH TO MOUTH, and drag shows at The Porthole down by the river.

Body Type: a li'l extra on the sides and the middle and legs and arms, although my legs are pretty muscular from standing. Chuck tells me I'm as wide as I am tall, and I like to be consistent with that, so I work at by eating as much pizza and ice cream and cake as I can whenever the kids have a birthday party here, which is every day or so. Just one of the perks of the job.

Eyes: brown, SLIGHTLY TAINTED and bloodshot from this water. I'm actually not sure what's in this water, but there's no bacteria, because nothing could live in this water. Absolutely nothing. IF YOU JUMP IN TOO SOON, THINK SILENCE OF THE LAMBS WHEN HANNIBAL ESCAPES BY CHOPPING OFF THE GUY’S ENTIRE FACE.

Smoke/Drink: I WOULD NEVER WANT TO COMPROMISE THE SAFETY OF MY CHILDREN.

Looking for: I am looking for someone like Chuck, who knows what they want, although I'm not sure I want someone named Chuck. Perhaps I would like someone named Jo or even someone with a one letter name like E or M or something more subtle. Someone who looks nice in a bikini and/or trunks. I don't have any tattoos but when adults swim at Bobo Bird!, I become very excited and comment on their tattoos when I'm bored. And especially if they are attractive people, but I only do this if no kids are waiting to ride the slides, because I have to make sure the light is green when kids enter the tubes. RED LIGHT, NO GO. I REPEAT, WAIT FOR THE GREEN OR YOU COULD SLIDE SIDEWAYS ON THE TUBE AND NEED TO HAVE YOUR LEGS AMPUTATED. I SAW SOMEONE LOSE A FOOT TO THE YELLOW LIGHT.

ONLY THE GREEN LIGHT ON THE SLIDES. DEATH IS ON THE LINE HERE.

Occupation: Lifeguard at Bobo Bird Breeze Indoor Water Park!

Age: 20ish

Gender: Male-ish

Kids: Not sure if I can, due to an accident that happened on Bobo Bird! Jungle Jim during the Hose Fest! last year.

Hair: Brown, short, sticks straight up. I love waterproof hair wax.

Interested in: Yes. I've been single a really long time, actually, my whole life. I have many diverse friends, so I'm not depressed, but it would be nice to have a significant other person who is short, tall, heavy, slim, or medium, although I think a person with thin legs and a nice size chest and a large back would work best in case I need help rescuing anyone. Someone with a rescue dog would be welcome. GIVE ME TIME TO WARM UP AFTER I GET OUT OF THE POOL. OTHERWISE, SHRINKAGE.

Thank you so much for reading my profile. Well, before the families arrive, I have to go see if I can hang from that netting cross the lily pad pond today without falling in! I have faith I can do it today. Yesterday, I fell in and did a sort of loud cannonball and Chuck was texting, but when he was done texting he really laughed.

Come visit Bobo Bird Breeze! I'll give you a free three-hour wristband; however, delays might happen if we're dating. Just one of the TOUGH AND DANGEROUS aspects of my job. Wanted to be up front about that. There may be days, nights, even weeks of disappointment for my lovers, due to time spent saving Bobo Bird's! childREN IN NEED. IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS AND ENTER THE POOLS TOO SOON, THE CHEMICALS COULD MELT YOUR SKIN OFF LIKE NICOLAS CAGE IN FACE-OFF HOLY SHIT I LOVE THAT MOVIE BUT MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER LOSE THEIR FACES WHILE I’M ON DUTY.

GOTTA RUN! I THINK I HEAR A DESPERATE CRY FOR HELP!

IAMBobbieH2O

-- C.A. MacConnell

Letter of Sympathy from DaManDaMutt12345

Good morning, daters. We at the F’n Rad Dating Site feel that we should be accountable. We must bring you all some horrible, shocking news. It seems that our potential dater, MelonHoneyDewYou, has passed away. In a service down by the river, she was remembered dearly by Uncle Billy, Daddy, Mama, Grandpa, the ancestors, the family bluegrass band, Aunt Jewel, her plumber brother, her preschool friend Bob, her sister who wears crop tops, the hairspray lady from the west side, Mamaw, and the neighbor Sally. Let us pause to reflect.

We’d tell you the particulars, but we’ll keep it to ourselves out of respect for her family. Never mind, here goes. As we all know, Melon was openly seeing our other potential dater, DaManDaMutt12345, and we are pleased to know she found true love before she died. It seems that Melon was on her way to the recording studio to pick up Mutt while he was finishing up fresh Phil Collins mixes, when poor Melon lost control of his souped-up Hyundai, and she rolled it three times. But that wasn’t what killed her. She crawled out of the twisted, burning wreck, dusted herself off, and headed to the Newport on the Levee, where she became enamored with the man from the zoo holding the boa constrictor as a fun display. Of course, brave Melon asked to hold the snake, and the boa took a liking to her, and that snake hugged her close, but she threw it down and chopped it’s head off, so that wasn’t what killed her either. After Melon caught her breath, she decided to catch a movie, on account of the “choice snacks,” like her man always said. Melon became slightly carried away with the popcorn/twizzler combination, which formed a hard ball in her mouth, and she swallowed that ball of petrified goo, and it lodged just so in her throat, and she lost her life “choking like a DNA daddy on Jerry Springer,” her tanked Mama said later. We are sorry to see her go. Please send the family and DaManDaMutt12345 your condolences.

Her potential man, the skater, DaManDaMutt12345, was gracious enough to write a sympathy letter to Melon’s Mama, and we’d like to share it with you now, as we feel it is an appropriate example of how to write a compassionate sympathy letter. Read and learn. Sincerely, and with sympathy, the entire F’n Rad Dating Site.

Letter of Sympathy to Melon's Mama, from DaManDaMutt12345

Dear Melon’s MILF, one liquored up Mama who gets me:

Holy shit, Mama, you’re ripe, you know wha I’m sayin? Baby wipe your pits, you feel me? I have a truckload of the choice unscented Pampers I lifted from the IGA, yo, and you’re at that age when you can’t trust a fart, like when I’m comin’ down from the China White, and I have no idea how I might toss out my insides, so I feel you, and I’m comin’ to save you like Aquaman rising up from some goddamn paradise ocean.

Whaddup Mama? I'm real fuckin’ sorry that bitch Melon is gone. We both know she might be in heaven, which is something like a drained pool you wanna hit with your brother all night – no cracks, no drains, no falls – just a nonstop smack party like no other. Now don’t get all wussy on me, Mama. You skate, you break bones, you die. We all know Melon’s in a better place, organic or some shit, but fuck, now that I think about it, we really don’t know that, do we? I mean, that tithouse chick, aka Planet Nipple, could be stuck in a Chuck E. Cheese in the sky, and we’d never really know. I’m just glad that fuckin’ horny bitch’s suffering is over, because you and I both know she was hitting the snake man as a side order, along with that white-haired bony girl at the car dealership. No more than a lost dog, but on account of the way she sucked down curly fries, maybe she’s inside a superdeluxe Rally’s or packed tight in a Happy Meal Neverending Story now. I believe in the Big Fat Man in the Sky, with his super creepo divine dick. Actually, not sure if she’s better off. How the hell would any brother know that for real? I’m sure you and the fam are full of sorrow and grief but get your ass up and have some funtimes. Find some ugly baby, call it cute. Put those supersuds and salts and squishy balls in the bathtub and shine your ass like you’re E.T. waiting for the mother ship. Hit the mall and get pedicures. Wax yo’ legs and soup your face up with toxic mud or get horny and find a choice cucumber and ram it home or some shit. I’m sayin’ you need to chill like a beast, ‘cause we all get sad and want to Dragonslay some skater who hit the pipe first, but from what Melon told me, you need some relief, because you are one crazy motherfucker.

Mama, hear me – Melon will always be with you deep on your insides, wrapped up in your intestines like a pile of worms, like you’ll be constipated forever, trying to push her fat, decaying self out your wrinkled hole; I don’t know if she’s happy about that or not, because when she was alive, she sometimes didn’t really want to be with you, but now her ghost’s stuck in your ass like a monster, skeleton turd. Her goddamn spirit will be part of you no matter where you go, even when you and the fam start burning your couch and hitting the T-bird. I know that you hoped for more time to spend with her, like an Easy Lover, but really, that was codependent as all hell, and every last brother at the skate park backs me on that action. But the sunset all-you-can-eat buffets you hit meant so much to her. She puked it all out on me when we were down at Newport on the Levee hunting for chicks and threesomes at the bowling alley. Just know that she loved you as much as those supersize bags of Lucky Charms, when she didn’t want to kill you, even that year when you were chubby. I know you will miss her insanelike, because, without her you will have to take a look at the failings in your own sad life.

Anytime, when the rooster screams or when the dope boys come out of the alleys, hit me up at the studio, the skate park, or on da live chat. Text me your digits, especially if you see some skinny cat lubed up and ready to go. With my deepest sympathy, sorry I missed the funeral. My friend Grinch fired up that new Mission Impossible flic. Tom Cruise is for real, spider-climbing those skyscrapers smoother than any superhero, even Batman, who kills it with that magic, supersonic car. 

Sorry for your loss, Mama. I’ll get at you later when I’m not so high. I’m more girly when I’m coming down. Yo, I’m here for your ass, any time you need me - just to listen, or to talk, or if that sister with the smokin’ abs feels like having insane grief sex.

Christ, Tom Cruise. What fucking stamina.

DaManDaMutt12345

-- C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: Mister Magic Man

We at the F'n Rad Dating Site have been on a brief hiatus, due to receiving some tragic news, which we will keep to ourselves. Never mind, we'll tell you tomorrow. Stay tuned. Until then, here's a word from our sponsor.

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-- C.A. MacConnell

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-- C.A. MacConnell

Success Story: MsBaristaGrindXO298

Hi daters! After posting yesterday’s letter, we here at the F’n Rad Dating Site have discovered a genuine partnership! We are pleased to announce that MsBaristaGrindXO298 is ALSO into MrBarista777! Yes, it is indeed reciprocal! The ultimate display of personal growth and stellar communication between these two is magnificent, and their triumphant connection has stumped therapists everywhere. We fully believe that these potential daters are going to make it together for the long haul. Here is a letter from her in response to his response. Read and learn...

Letter from MsBaristaGrindXO298 to the F’n Rad Dating Site…

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

OHHHHHHHH. MrBarista777, me in shitter at work, read yer resposne on site hereyestereday, im no starbuck star like you, just a lowly bakery barstia, but no tim to write bk, gotta make cookie & sweep up kids cake icing & choco syrup all over floor fuckin toddler Peecassos. Just hit whip cream nitrous, Hahahahhhahahaha. Ahhahhahahahahahh. Livingon caramelnut brownies, cakepops, & drk choco espresso bean. Off at midnght. Marry u round 2am? Bak here 3am. Sry. Cya soon. XO, 777. Willwritesomeday but Hope you get my feels. Til then, Here’s my day….wait, nuther empty whip…lemme hit that nozzle again…. hahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah…ok, bak. Here’s an exacto transcript, my day…

Customer (approaching register with a walker, looking wet): Hello young lady! I'll have a coffee for here.
Barista: On the house. I'm so sorry you're a cripple.
Customer: What did you say? Wow, it's really raining out there!
Barista: Thank god, I love the rain.
Customer: Oh, that's nice, you do?
Barista: (smiling wide) Yeah, drives most people away from here.
Customer (furrowed brow): Well, that’s some greeting.
Barista (wiping her nose): Sorry, how’s this – how can I help you?
Customer: You know, you really shouldn't wipe your nose when you're greeting a customer. Very rude.
Barista: Oh, sorry, I just have this massive booger in there, just trying to dig it out. Hang on, let me see if I can get it and show you. Then you'll understand.
Customer (raising brows): ANYWAY, I think it’s about to storm out there.
Barista: Really? I should bring the tables in from outside. Or would you like to? You look like the kind of woman who could use a workout.
Customer: Funny.
Barista: No, I'm serious. Your arms are flabby as hell.
Customer: The nerve! But it's weird...it’s muggy inside here.
Barista: Yep, the windows are all steamy.
Customer: Is your A.C. broken?
Barista: Good guess. No, we're preparing the room for later when we turn this into a hot yoga studio.
Customer: Whoa, how is it you still work here?! Before I order, can I have change for a dollar?
Barista: Sure, just using me for change, eh?
Customer: Um, I’m gonna eat here.
Barista: Yeah, that's what they all say...
Customer: No really, I’m ready to order as soon as I get some change.
Barista: Ha! You're really good.
Customer: I'm serious! Can I have some change?
Barista: Not sure...now I feel kind of used, and I'm really not that kind of person anymore.
Customer: I will spend money here! Give me some change!
Barista (chomping gum): Let me go take my smoke break back out by the dumpster and think about this issue we're having, and we can talk it out in an hour or so, when we've had time to think it over and decide on a better course for our relationship.
Customer: Geez, never mind, I’ll take my chances on the ticket. You know, you really shouldn't chew gum while you're working. It's rude.
Barista: I know, so sorry. Here, (taking the gum out of her mouth and sticking it on the counter) will you hold on to this for me for later?
Customer (shrinking back): I'll have the usual.
Barista: I'm sorry, was that the latte, or the Italian soda?
Customer: It's the blueberry tea.
Barista: Oh, that's right, I had you confused with another fat cripple. We’re out of that tea.
Customer (making an "O" with her mouth) Ohhhhh, are those beautiful teapots for sale?
Barista (making an "O" with her mouth): Ohhhhh, NO.
Customer (looking right): Is that the health department here?
Barista: Probably.
Customer (shrugs): Oh, well, I'll have the soup.
Barista: You sure? Not sure what's in it. You ever watch that movie, Fried Green Tomatoes?
Customer: Forget the soup. I’ll have a smoothie.
Barista: Man, seriously?
Customer: What?
Barista: Oh, nothing, it's just that I just cleaned the blender. You know, disinfected it and everything for closing.
Customer: Won't you have to use it again? It's only 10 a.m.
Barista: Yeah, I usually start closing around 10 a.m. I like to be prepared. I'm a real go-getter.
Customer: Oh I see, well, can I get that smoothie anyway?
Barista: Hm, let’s see, sure, but if you want whipped cream, I'm sorry.
Customer: But doesn't that come with it?
Barista: Yeah, normally, but I already cleaned the whipped cream nozzle, and I don't want to get it dirty again. See, I'm nervous that I won't get everything done before 6.
Customer: Can I have a blackberry one?
Barista: Sure, as soon as I go down to the farmer's market and gather some blackberries for you, and then I have to stop behind our dumpster and have my smoke break. Right after that, it'll be right up.
Customer (rolling eyes): All right, well, strawberry?
Barista: Hm, I already put the strawberry mix away in the fridge, and it's buried behind all the iced teas...it's all packed in there perfectly. You should see it. Really, it's amazing I fit it all for closing every day. So would you mind banana? I think I can get to that.
Customer: Really, I want strawberry.
Barista: Hows about four berry, and we'll call it a day.
Customer: I guess that'll work.
Barista (starting the blender and shouting): Hey, you want a Diet Coke with this? I'm trying to get rid of those to fit the selzer in the fridge for closing.
Customer: It's 10 a.m.!
Barista: No doubt, but it'll get wild in here later. Here's your four berry! Enjoy!
Customer (taking smoothie): Um, yeah, thanks. Hey, do you have anything fat-free, or do you have the calories listed somewhere?
Barista: We have pastries. They are very, very fattening.
Customer: Oh, well, I'm just trying to watch my calorie intake.
Barista: I've got a Powerbar in my locker if you want it!
Customer: That's okay, I'm allergic to eggs and wheat. What would you suggest?
Barista (smiling wide): I've got another stick of gum in my pocket. Kinda old, but it's sugar-free!
Customer: Never mind. Thank you for the smoothie.
Barista: You’re welcome, but lady, next time, can you come in a little earlier, so that I’m not in the middle of getting ready for closing?

MsBaristaGrindXO298

-- C.A. MacConnell

Success Story: MrBarista777

Hi daters! We have yet another match! MrBarista777 has written the F’n Rad Dating Site to inform us that he’s interested in MsBaristaGrindXO298! Alas, he didn’t have time to respond to her directly; however, he sent over this exact transcript of his day to let her know how well he communicates in relationships. Read and learn.

Letter from MrBarista777 to the F’n Rad Dating Site…

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

So jacked up on cold brew, caution wet floor signs up. Clean espresso machine, boss says scrape off crud. Get that fucking couple outta here I wanna go home. Maybe I’ll decapitate him with the mop, that’’l l get them gone. Gotta run, howam I gonnasleep all I ate allday was half a scone, gottachk sched, get some ZZZZzzsss b4 next shift. Just downed a leftover fucked up peppermint mocha. Damn I’m shaking, Xo. Hey, XO298, meet you at 3am. It’s llpm now, have to be back in at 4am. Lady, I have a doctorate marry me. No time to write, recorded my day to seal deal. Chk it out. CYOU at 3 hopng. CYA. OUT.

Customer: Hi, I'd like a coffee.
Barista: What size?
Customer: What size do you have?
Barista: Small, medium, large
Customer: I'd like a small.
Barista: Light or dark roast?
Customer: Light.
Barista: Hot or luke warm?
Customer: Um, hot.
Barista: With grounds in it or no grounds?
Customer (hands on hips): no grounds...
Barista: For here or to go?
Customer: To go.
Barista: Would you like it double-cupped?
Customer: Just give me my coffee?!
Barista: Would you like a sleeve? Some people don't want to waste the paper.
Customer: Yes, a sleeve! I'm in a hurry!
Barista: Sorry, did you say small?
Customer: Yes, small!
Barista: Okay, so small, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure?
Customer: How long have you worked here?
Barista: Okay, so small, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, and you are very nosy?
Customer (turning to leave): I'll just go down the street, never mind.
Barista: Wait, so that was small coffee, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go, with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, you are very nosy, and you are leaving?
Customer (turning back around): I have never had such poor service. How is it that you still work here?
Barista (writing on the cup): Let me just check again with you...small coffee, light roast, hot, no grounds, to go with a sleeve, you're in a hurry, small for sure, you are very nosy, and you aren't leaving yet because you're taking out your childhood angst on me?
Customer (walks out): I'm calling the manager.
Barista: Wait! Here's your coffee! Don't forget to tip me!

Customer: Whoa, it's like a sauna outside.
Barista: Want a hot chocolate?
Customer: Funny, I was thinking something refreshing, like an iced tea.
Barista: Hows about a scalding Americano?
Customer: Maybe I'll just have a bottle of water. Do you have that?
Barista: There's a special on extra hot lattes.
Customer: Do you really work here?
Barista: Couple months.
Customer: Seems like I've seen you longer. I'd like an iced tea.
Barista: What kind? We have 50 different kinds.
Customer: Really, what are they?
Barista: How about a milk steamer?
Customer: No, I want an iced tea.
Barista: Hm, you want ice in it?
Customer: Yes!
Barista: The ice is all stuck together. I'll have to go get my chisel and hammer it apart. How about a nice hot mocha while you're waiting?

Customer: It's raining cats and dogs out there.
Barista: I thought I saw lightning.
Customer: Hm, I haven't seen lightning.
Barista: Oh, that must've just been when I slammed the electrical cord in the fridge again, no worries.

Barista: Lady, can I take your glass? Or are you still working on that frap?
Customer: Still working on it.
Barista (grabbing across the table): How about your straw?
Customer: Still using it!
Barista (grabbing across the table): Your spoon? Doesn't look like you're using that.
Customer: I'm going to use it!
Barista (taking the napkin): Man! Relax, lady! Just trying to be helpful.
Customer: Before I go, can I add on one of those chocolate cupcakes you had yesterday?
Barista: We had those yesterday, not today. What we have is out on display.
Customer: Oh, bummer.
Barista: Yeah, sorry.
Customer: What about those chicken breakfast wraps?
Barista: Negative. What we have is on display.
Customer: Where's the display?
Barista: Oh fuck, I knew I forgot something this morning.

Customer: Can I have some water?
Barista: Sure, today it's free.
Customer: Isn't it always free?
Barista: For you, yes, because you are one hot damn hippie.

MrBarista777

-- C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: Nip Tuck

Hi daters on the prowl! Please bear with us at the F'n Rad Dating site as we take in the millions of dating applications we've received lately! If you are single and looking, feel free to sift through the choice potential daters already listed on this site. Thank you for your patience. And now, a word from our sponsor...

A message from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...

Horse for Sale:  Nip Tuck

5 y.o. Quarter horse/Morgan/Welsh Cross stallion, 14'3. A handy, hungry, brave hunter, B.S. Investments' Nip Tuck has been showing successfully in the 3' Large Pony Hunter division on the A-circuit. After having spent the winter licking up choice bran mashes at Wellington in Florida, Nip Tuck flew into Lexington to swallow all entries in the ring at Kentucky Indoors. Always a showstopper, Nip Tuck has proven to trample the class both over fences and on the flat, beating the top movers in the undersaddle classes in the entire country. Tuck has had only two bouts of stomach aches, thyroid issues, and severe colic symptoms per year. Once, good ol' Tuck went straight into the show ring with a twisted intestine and came out making manure like the best of the herd. Another time, after overdosing on grass, Tuck had foundered so badly that his front hooves were horizontal, and his bones were holding him up, and he still trooped into the jumper ring, and he later led the Pony Open Jumper class in Wilmington with a time of 50.4, winning the blue. Occasionally, Tuck has needed an oil and lube or a ride in the trailer to keep him alive, but other than that, he is sweet, gentle, and an extremely easy keeper. This pony only ingests one flake of grass hay per week, so the boarding cost is always at a minimum. No worries if the competition is looking fancy. Once Nip Tuck enters the ring, all of the other ponies suffocate. He is a proven winner through and through. And through. And through...

For more information on B.S. Investments' Nip Tuck, contact our 30-year veteran trainer, Priscilla Isabel Soundbury at 543-TUCK.

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

StyrofoamMan535

Letter from potential dater, StyrofoamMan535, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Without a doubt, I am the one.

There will be chills.

Gender: Male

Sexual Preference: Pansexual

Interested in: any other working genders holding coffee cups, office orgies

Religion:  Satanism

Body Type: medium build, some small rolls due to donut consumption. In any work meeting, I am the close-shaven, clean-cut man in the back row along the wall, preferably near the closed blinds; I balance carefully, sitting with my chair tipped, expertly leaning on the back two legs. My relaxed appearance and positioning are key. Yes, I dress like any other working man, wearing business casual office attire, although on certain occasions, on the right front side of my starched, ironed shirt, there often appears a jagged, yellow trail that bears a striking resemblance to egg yolk, and my wrinkled khakis may be creepily baggy and slightly unkempt, appearing somewhat damp.
Hair: carefully placed, moist bedhead

But my appearance is no matter. What matters is what comes next...my slick moves, and the way I reveal my ever-so-subtle, demonic expertise.

Interests: at exactly ten minutes into any meeting, I release my true skill. Yes, perhaps we should call it a gift, an innate talent. Ever so slowly, I gently begin running my fingernail along the side of my Styrofoam coffee cup. And then, the real, torturous fun begins. With my thumb nail, I continue to cut into the cup, digging in for the long haul, soon becoming engrossed, making that scratchy, god-awful, spine-tingling, nail-against-Styrofoam sound for the duration of the meeting.

At first, you gaze around, but right at that moment, I skillfully pause, and you can't catch me.

When you look away, I begin sweating. Then, cunningly, with adept mastery, I continue making ultra-artistic patterns on my cup’s side with my fingernail, taking in the bitter sound, watching you squirm to the music of screaming infant seals. Grinning sideways, I then watch the heads around me begin to turn.

All over the room, confused, lost souls scan the meeting crowd, desperately looking for the source of the sound.

Perhaps you begin to glare my way again.

And then, all at once, you see my finger twitch, and you know it’s me, the genius King of Unrecyclable Art – nail digging into foam – both music and etching in one, a design of the devil, a chorus of horror.

Some of you won't be able to handle the pressure. As you feel the weakness, you think this: if I can't beat him, join him.

At last, you give in to the circus.

You begin running your nail along your own cup, and we create a little spine-tingling duet. Then we both receive evil-spirited looks.

And yet again, with precise timing, I pause.

And you get the blame.

Then, like me, you begin to feel like you could spend all day with that fucking cup.

Just think about the sound, the subtle terror. Gives you goose bumps.

And rest assured, after my choice maneuvers and competent display of thumb and index dexterity, more stares will come my way, and your way, and then another hell hound will join us, and another, and the followers will be endless, until we can't stop, and we won't stop, and all we want is more, more, more.

Contact info: listen close. Listen closer. Look around the room. I’m always there. Never forget the sound. Never, ever forget.

I will make your skin scream.

StyrofoamMan535

P.S. By the way, I'm single, and I like thunderstorms and long walks in the park.

-- C.A. MacConnell

Letter of Resignation

Note from the author, C.A. MacConnell:  this is actually from my comedy archives...I just thought it might be a funny way to end on this comedy site for the time being while I take a brief hiatus from blogging so that I can focus on my next book. In the meantime, I hope you can check out the rest of the characters on here as well, as I work hard on the voices, as random and ridiculous as some of them are. It takes a lot of time to settle back and grab a hold of these voices, but it's all practice for me, so I roll with it. I admit that many of the writings had me laughing to tears. :) Hope you have a beautiful day, and hope I can make you laugh too, that is all! Love to you, C.A.

At the F’n Rad Dating Site, we understand that there is a time in every dater’s life when he/she/they must change jobs in order to join a mate to cohabitate in another locale, and we encourage such choice maneuvers! When resigning from the work force, one must always leave in an appropriate manner. When it was time for our potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222, to move on from her current position, she decided to share her smooth transition with us. Here is a transcript, a perfect example of a proper resignation letter, sent to us directly from our potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222. Read and learn…

Suitable letter of resignation example, sent to the F’n Rad Dating Site, from potential dater, FlyMFPegasus222

2/17/23

Pegasus Car Wash
cc: Monster, Indeed, LinkedIn, F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear Pegasus Car Wash (that’s right, YOU, you beady-eyed prick, the person in charge who schedules me and wears the baseball cap with the fucking wings on it. When I say “prick,” I mean that in the nicest sense of the word):

I know where you live, and if you get toilet papered here soon, well, it wasn’t me; however, if you happen to receive an overnighted, unmarked box full of elephant shit, that was definitely me. Just wanted to be clear. In the workplace, I'm all about being professional and providing people with clarity, especially when it involves a special delivery order of super-sized crap.

It's important to share feelings.

Also, I'm writing to announce my formal resignation from Pegasus Car Wash, effective -- not two weeks -- but two seconds from this date. This is my official notification. In fact, by the time that you find this letter, I will already be gone. Repeat after me…Bye bye, Bye bye. Bye by bye bye bye bye bye bye by bye bbbbbb bbyyyyyyeeeee bybybybybybyby bybybybybyby bybybyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Seeya, wouldn’t wanna be ya. Later when you’re greater. Me gone. Like magic! I have vanished from your life completely. Poof. Let me be really, super-duper clear here: Ba-Bye. Bye, bye, baby, bye bye.

Actually, before you even notice this letter, I will be gone, because I am never coming back, never ever, not even to wash my car, and I will tell all other people I meet to never ever visit Pegasus. In addition, I will send out emails and fliers to people everywhere encouraging them to visit Lucky Waves Car Wash instead, because we all know they're cheaper, and they have a better variety of car fresheners that hang from the mirror. They even have the dolphin one that smells like Spring Ocean California Breeze! And you don’t, green-bean-diarrhea-for-brains, let’s face it. You lie and tell people it's out of stock, but you don’t have it, you lying sack of shit who only wears dirty sweatpants that literally make you look like a sack of shit. Now, don’t get mad – many people look like a sack of shit. I mean, on the Sack of Shit planet, you would totally fit right in.

No hard feelings, I’m just stating the obvious.

Now, let’s get real here…Lucky Waves has a Chicklets machine that actually works. Now, if it were me, and I were going to choose a car wash, that last statement would make my choice a no-brainer. Now that I’m leaving Pegasus, I can tell you that your gum choices and your clothing choice and your mean, unbelievably inaccurate scheduling emails suck balls.

Sure, I was a mere freelance worker, and you only called me in when you needed an extra Vacuum Suction Girl, but I still wanted to be thorough in my professional dealings with you and explain why I'm leaving in a kind and loving way. Here goes. I would like to give you a suggestion: take that Pegasus winged hat of yours and fly, motherfucker, fly, because you’ll need to now that I’m gone. You’re gonna be one Vacuuming Bitch for a little while. I know that I was supposed to work a shift today, but I didn’t show out of thoughts of you. See, I couldn’t find the right clothes to cover up my tattoos, and I couldn’t get the nose ring out, so I figured you wouldn’t want me coming in like that, because I've had to hide all that shit the whole time I’ve been working there, so as not to scare the high quality clients, even though the lady who works the front counter has a pierced cheek, and you let that slide because she’s totally banging you, we all know it, which is interesting and ironic, but it also makes me realize that you are a complete asshole and not to mention, your face looks like a possum, and when you dyed your hair blond it looked like snot, and so I decided I needed a change in my environment. Now, don’t take that asshole thing personally. Or the snot thing. I am just being completely open and honest with you here.

I think it’s good to get it all out on the table. I’m all about serenity and being free. I pray for you daily.

This was not an easy decision to make on my part. I cried for months. I mean, I really cried. I went to therapy, and I’ve enclosed my therapy bill as well, because I feel that Pegasus should cover the difference. I know that the bill doesn’t look like it’s coming from a therapist, because it’s on loose leaf and handwritten, but I wanted you to have the raw copy straight from my therapist’s handwriting, as I think that’s appropriate. Please pay up. Cash is best.

On a positive note, however, the past three months of Pegasus work have been very rewarding. I’ve been able to drink a shit-ton of free coffee, bum a lot of cigarettes, and I even hooked up with a few other workers, which was smokin'. Let me say that there’s more than one use for those vacuums. I totally enjoyed this part of working for you and working with a very successful (and very promiscuous) team. The tips were great!

Thank you for the opportunities for growth – the constant harassment, for talking down to me, and for all of the other amazing spiritual soul lessons that you have provided me. By the way, your blond wife can stop sending me scheduling emails now too. They make no sense, and I seriously could do a better job. Also, tell her she looks like Mrs. Possum and tell her that we can all see her wormy mustache. Dayum, get you some wax, girl. Or let the fucker grow and just be your Tom Selleck self. All I’m saying is this…make a decision, one way or the other.

Thanks so much for expanding my horizons. I actually got to work as a towel drier girl for a while, and that was a good day until lunch, when you had me change jobs and move to stand right in the middle of the car wash wearing a rain coat and six-foot-tall wings to act like a funny puppet for the kids in the cars, which was very scary and very cold, although I was quite good at it, you have to admit.

Well, Possum Face, I wish you and the rest of the people at Pegasus all the best. I hope I never, ever see you again, but I would like to use you as a reference if possible, so just let me know -- that would be super. Hey, I just meditated and decided that I wish you and the rest of the crazy bitches there much success in the future.

Best,
FlyMFPegasus222

-- C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: Geronimo's Dream

In honor of Valentine's Day, our daters are out in the world on the prowl, and we'll share numerous success stories with you soon. At the moment, we're so busy tracking daters and sifting through the millions of Bios we've received, we must take a brief hiatus. Please bear with us at the F'n Rad Dating Site, while we send you a word from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...



A message from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...

Horse For Sale: Geronimo's Dream

8 y.o., 17h gelding, dark bay Haflinger/Hanoverian/Clydesdale cross. The gem of the stable, B.S. Investments' Geronimo's Dream, or "Gerry," as we call him at the barn, is sired out of the famous Budweiser Clydesdale, Rosco P. Coltrane, who has enjoyed a plethora of roles in TV and Film. Not to be outdone by his father, Gerry has been successfully shown by an amateur rider in the Baby Greens, the Pre-Greens, and currently, in the 4'0" Regular Working Hunter on the A-circuit. A willing, striking beauty, he lives to jump, and he's currently on the Palm Beach jumper circuit in Florida, working his way to the Grand Prix, and eventually, the Olympic trials, but we would be glad to ship him out for interested clients. A veteran show horse, Gerry would make a wonderful Junior Hunter for any child, and his large size and willowy build make it cake for him to slowly manage courses with ease, due to his long stride that is akin to that of a gazelle. Although at first ride his trot and canter may feel slightly speedy, our riders have found that after adjusting, Gerry turns into an automatic, graceful smooth machine. A "kick and go" type of horse. Also, Gerry has a beautiful mane and tail, and he loves carrots. Although some of our fierce competitors have accused Gerry of measuring as a small pony or perhaps a miniature horse, the real truth is in the ribbons. Gerry has been Champion in every division since he began showing at age two. Easy to turn out, great ground manners, so well-trained, Gerry's fine with spending the night inside your house as well, and he will never dirty your carpet. Also, he enjoys baths, toys, Christmas, and sugar cubes. Please contact our 20-year veteran trainer Priscilla Isabel Soundbury for more information on Geronimo's Dream. Will provide more photos, as well as official Clydesdale lineage. 543-MINI.

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

SmoothieDontfme68

Letter from potential dater, SmoothieDontfme68, to the F'n Rad Dating Site

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

I’m feeling girly. If I had a favorite, you would be my favorite.

Wow, I would so love to be your best friend soul mate.

Well, hey U. How you doin? Hello out there slightly sexy and unattractive people! Howdy. Hi to all the straight and confused ladies! And newly divorced men who want to be friends! And people in between! Want to come over for a smoothie!???? Let’s fire up the blender. I’m hot for the strawberry banana! I made a special trip to get some wet, smooth yogurt for you. Hurry, it expires soon! Bring it on! But give me an hour so I can shave and put on invisible makeup and old, used sweatpants.

I miss you so much in the morning when it rains on Sundays.

Protein powder? What RU doing? :0 Last night, I was so scared you were in trouble! Are you OK? I worry about you some hours all the time. I like you sooooo much. <3 I could make the carrot one special for you and make some extra and put it in Tupperware for you to take home!

Guess what? A teddy bear was on sale at Target, and I picked it up for you, but I stuffed it in the back of the closet and saved it because I wasn’t sure if it was the right one. There could be moths. Maybe you should come check it out before it gets eaten!

Sometimes, I look for U.

Hey, remember when I wrote that on your FB last week? Did you smile? I was totally smiling when I wrote it! And touching myself, because I had an itch. What I meant was that I would like to be your friend and get to know you for many years forever and ever and then some. Ever see that movie, The Princess Bride? That's right, I will always come for you, and I will always be there for you when we’re watching the movie. Do you like mango? I sure do, on Wednesdays and Fridays. I will write you poetry, sing you songs, meet up with you, text you late into the night, and sit next to you same-siders at the restaurants, because I want to hang out with you, share popcorn, laugh about how it makes our tummys hurt, and you can tell me about when you had zits and got bullied, and I will put my arm around you. <3 😉

U are the love of my life so much of the time.

Man, I would totally love to get married someday, wouldn't you? But I’m not sure who that’ll be. :) Who's it gonna be for you? So fun to think about that, and I totally can’t wait! In the meantime, maybe we could go see some strippers together? Any gender, I don't care. Wouldn't that be funny? I’ve had goose bumps all day thinking about it.

Wow, if I were going to have sex with someone right now, the person would look so much like you.

If we were on a bus together, I would sit right next to you every single day. You could be my ultimate bus buddy, and I could tell you how I love you the most, and I could tell other people too! Let’s do laundry together! Let’s cut avocados and squish them and paint each other’s faces green and watch the blender go round and round and hold our ears and go hahaha when it's too loud. Let’s go see live music and look for smokin’ hot people. Let’s watch porn separately and tell each other all about it! Let’s order toys for each other! Let’s text late into the night, then go to sleep alone and maybe cry! I love that action. I'll give you something to hug. Come over! I have a special body pillow waiting for you.

Where have you been hiding?

Straight up orange juice? I bet you’re tough. I bet you can handle some rinds. Cool! What are you doing? I've been totally wondering what you're doing some evenings. Come over! We can have a party with pears and whipped cream, and then we can watch When Harry Met Sally, and then you can go home, and I can stay up for a while and…

Name: SmoothieDontfme68

Gender: Bigender, female at the moment. How you doing? I'm worried. I will be who you want me to be, and then I will be someone else if you want! Come over!

Hair: light brown, lighter in summer, sometimes darker, depending.

Height: Not sure. I was growing, then shrinking.

Build: leanish, sometimes bigger, depends on the season, and whether or not overdosing on nut butter, flaxseed meal, and granola

Interested in: I see myself with women, in my dreams, but oftentimes the boobs melt off. Come over! I also see myself with men in these visions, but sometimes they wear coconut bras. Let’s hang out! Where should we meet up? By the watermelons? Hey you, guess what? In the back of the fridge, I spy nectarines!

My nipples are hard. Wow, it’s cold.

Age: debatable, adopted

Occupation: currently interviewing, still mulling it all over, income fluctuating, depending on what’s fresh

Interests: Whatever U want to do, I’m game! My place! Tonight! Or whenever, if you can make it. I’m all about flexibility. Fruits and vegetables, thunderstorms, long walks, dreaming about you and talking to you out loud in my car. Love you so much nearly every second. Almost.

Spirituality: What's going on? You've been so quiet. I believe in you, man friends and girl friends. Cucumbers! Peaches!

Looking for: Sometimes, all people are juicy, but really, I am looking for my true love pen pal. You know, someone that will hang out with me and send me love letters, and I can write suggestive letters and emails in return. I would also like for us to hole up in my apartment for days and nights on end and watch a bunch of old movies, and we can sit on the couch and not touch and act awkward.

Kids: Wow, I don’t know, what do you think I should do about that situation? Can we meet up for coffee ASAP? I really need an ear. That baby thing kind of crept up on me. No more celery/beet combos for me.

Activities: I would really like your opinion on my new kitchen table. Also, I’m thinking about changing the tile in the bathroom, and I’d like you to see the samples, just for fun. I wonder what paint color you’d pick for the study?

Contact info: Call me, I'm so bored. Hey there, call me soon! I'm out of cherries, and I’m very, very concerned.

I would write more, but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. Are you in trouble? Let’s get into trouble together! We’ll be so bad. Wow, I’m so fucking horny. Are U? Call me! Let’s talk about it!

SmoothieDontfme68

-- C.A. MacConnell

MsBaristaGrindXO298

Letter from potential dater, MsBaristaGrindXO298, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Welcome. What can I get ya? Hurry gotta get to bed soon, up again at 2am, but saw MrBarista777 on your site…I’m a barista too…no SB tho, high end bakery, wanted to reach out…seems MrB&me had lots in common…don’t have time for date bio...gotta go waiter told me to make 3 lattes or fuck off…but here’s a transcript of my day… 

Customer: Hi! I've never been here before.
Barista (with a straight face): Cool.
Customer (grinning wildly): Well, I was just wondering what you would recommend?
Barista (rolling eyes): I dunno, I had a PB&J the other day that was pretty good. I mean, I made it myself with the leftover butt end of the bread when the cooks weren't looking.
Customer: Isn't that on the kids menu?
Barista: We don't have a kids menu, but if we did, it sure would be, yes. Man, I hate kids.
Customer (smiling nervously): Actually, looking at you, it's hard to tell if you're a kid or a woman.
Barista: Well, I know, I get that all the time since I'm small. Thanks a lot for treating me like I should be holding a Care Bear and blankie. So, glad you're here, the veggie burger is pretty good.
Customer (raising eyebrows): Well, okay, I'll try it I guess. What kind of bread is it on?
Barista: Buns. Big round buns. Best buns in the city. I love buns.
Customer: Uh, sounds good. I'll have it.
Barista: The burger or my buns?
Customer: Uh, the burger, with the bun.
Barista: Oh, man, I'm sorry, I'm not that kind of girl. My whore days are over. But that one over there is a real slut (pointing at a server).
Customer: Just give me the burger.
Barista: You mean plain? That's silly. It's not as good without the bun.
Customer (hands on hips): Well, I wanted the bun, but...
Barista: Settle down lady! I don't want to have to get Vice in here for sexual harassment.
Customer: This is ridiculous! Just give me a PB&J.
Barista: Oh, okay, back to that. Hm, let me just make sure we have some jam left. I dropped a teacup in the jar earlier and it smashed all over the place. I think I got all the glass out of it though.
Customer (sighing): I'm so hungry, just give me something. You have honey? I could have PB& honey?
Barista: Lady, I'll get you your sandwich, but I'm not your 'honey'. I mean, I think Shakira and Mary Stuart Masterson are hot, but it about ends there. Also, there's a girl upstairs that's smokin', but I think she's engaged.
Customer: Forget it, I'll just take one of these cutout cookies. I'm in a hurry.
Barista: I see you chose the Mardi Gras themed mask cookie. Interesting. Tells a lot.
Customer: Like what?
Barista: Well, some people like to wear masks. You know, to hide their true selves.
Customer: Listen, my sugar is low, and I'm shaking and would you just ring me up for the damn cookie?
Barista: Like I said, some people are really hiding some childhood fury. Not saying you, just saying some people.
Customer: Jesus, well, if you were going to pick a cookie, what would you pick?
Barista: The hot dog one for sure.
Customer: Why is that?
Barista: Isn't it obvious?
Customer: Oh.
Barista: Anyway, so you want the PB&J or the mask cookie? Are you immature or a liar?
Customer: What the hell!? I really wanted the veggie burger, but I think I'll just take this granola bar.
Barista: You sure? They might be kind of old.
Customer: Yes!!!! Would you just ring me up?
Barista: You just don't seem like the granola bar type of lady.
Customer: Why is that?
Barista: I dunno, your skin's kind of oily, so I thought you might like something greasier.
Customer: The nerve! How is it that you still work here?
Barista: Man, I hate kids.

MsBaristaGrindXO298

-- C.A. MacConnell

Advertisement: Chet the Jet

More potential daters coming your way! Stay tuned. Please bear with us at the F'n Rad Dating Site while we send you an advertising message from our sponsor, B.S. Investments...

A message from our sponsor, B.S. Investments

Horse for Sale:  B.S. Investments' Chet the Jet

Chet the Jet. 4 y.o, 17.3h chestnut stallion, still growing, so sweet, as gentle as they come, top notch horse for sale. Perfect for all levels, great with beginners. (Picture of beginner lesson above). Doesn't take much leg, a real go-getter who prefers to gallop, makes it super easy. Would make a great Olympic jumper someday. Chet has beautiful ground manners, minus the occasional kick to the pelvis. Hasn't trailered or shown yet, but eager and ready to go -- chews on fence, rears up, and paws at the cement to let us know how excited he is. Slight problem with bridling, which involves an abscessed tooth. Will deduct vet cost from sale price. Only needs a twitch and heavy meds to clip. Turns out alone best, but a group would work if the other horses are lower end. Mostly likes to canter on right lead, but working on lead changes and flat work, shows real bravery over white-colored fences. Enjoys fifth level dressage, eventing, and western as well. Would also perhaps make a good vaulting candidate or circus horse. Did kill one barn cat, but we had too many anyway. Will make a superb breeding stallion -- has already jumped out of the corral ten times to get to the broodmares. Will supply papers. Got bit by a possum, so may have EPM disease, but if he tests positive, we'll deduct that from the cost as well. An easy ride for any amateur. Slight stifle injury and occasional bolting. Only tramples children when he needs work from the chiropractor, an easy fix. Pls. contact our 20yr veteran trainer Priscilla Isabel Soundbury for more information: 543-CHET

B.S. Investments

-- C.A. MacConnell

MrBarista777

Letter from potential dater, MrBarista777, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Heya…thanks for comin…doctorate in Chem…barista rt now…jacked up on 5 espresso shots, so hang on...gotta run…make medium frap large cup w/ 1 splenda, 2 raw sugar, whip, ½ shaved ice, ½ solid ice for Fred or Ted or crap, Ed the bald one…OK I'm back…off at 2pm, if interested…she said skim? She needs skim…OK refill half and half…can date between 3-5pm…have to get to bed at 6pm, back in at 3am…fuck, we're out of Irish Cream syrup who likes that shit...don't have time for date Bio...just watch me…move like a gazelle on crack…chk out these examples of my excellent company customer service…reel you in maybe…soy gettin low…stock room, OK bye…you want a straw?

Customer: Hm, what's in the white chocolate drink?
Barista: Hm, mainly white chocolate.

Customer: Can we sit anywhere?
Barista: Yes, where there aren't people sitting. Or if you're not too fat, lap sitting is cool.

Customer: How much are these cookies?
Barista: $1.95 like the very large sign says.

Customer: What kind of tea do you have?
Barista: It's listed on that tea list I just handed you.

Customer: Can I have a spoon?
Barista: Hang on, I think I found one. Just let me spit on it to get this crusted jelly off.

Customer: What's that Apple Cinnamon drink on the board?
Barista: I have no idea. Good question. What the hell is that?

Customer: Can I have some ice water with ice?
Barista: Sure, let me check and see if that's still in stock.

Customer: Would you choose the chicken wrap or the egg ‘n cheese?
Barista: Egg
Customer: I'll have the chicken.
Barista: Seriously, that one's really bad.
Customer: Why is it on the menu then?
Barista: To sell the egg one, you know, diversion tactics.

Customer: What kind of drink would you suggest?
Barista: Black. Drip. Coffee.

Customer: I parked at the meter and didn't pay. You think I'll be okay?
Barista: No.
Customer: Can I have some change?
Barista: Sorry, I'm not allowed to open the register.

Customer: Are you open?
Barista: We close in five minutes.
Customer: Great, can I have 3 large skim lattes, 5 mochas w/ no whip, and 10 cookies?
Barista: For here or to go?
Customer: For here, I love the atmosphere.
Barista: Sure, I'm heading out, so come on back here behind the counter, and you can whip it right up.

Customer: I think you gave me the mild coffee instead of the dark roast!
Barista: Really? You like it?
Customer: I wanted the dark.
Barista: Sorry, just dumped the dark.
Customer: I'll wait.
Barista: No problem, it'll be a few minutes. I have to go on my smoke break back out by the dumpster.

Customer: What's in the hot chocolate?
Barista: Chocolate and milk.
Customer: Is it gluten free?
Barista: Not sure, there may be a graham cracker crust stuck to the bottom of the mug. Better get the coffee just to be safe.

Customer: What's your favorite sweet thing here?
Barista: I love caramel, but you look more like a chocolate type.
Customer: I'll have a piece of that carrot cake.
Barista: I said, you're the chocolate type.

MrBarista777

-- C.A. MacConnell