MaxBowWowDownToYou

Letter from potential dater, MaxBowWowDownToYou, to the F’n Rad Dating Site

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Hello sssweethearts. As I’m a canine by label, I’ve been working on this letter for an extended time. I fully desire for these words to be completely accurate, and since we have sssomewhat of a language barrier, I found some assistance with the translation. Recently, I made a bone deal with the Pit Bull down the street; he is more accustomed to human talk, since he now lives with an affluent family, but I still plan on staying on his good side. Before he was adopted, he did some time in the fight rings, and although I find that lifestyle repulsive, I respect the fact that he could easily find my jugular.

Anyhow, I apologize profusely for the wait. And I sincerely hope that you won’t dismiss me due to my inherited underbite.

Let me wriggle out of my neck scarf and greet you properly. Last week, for hours, I studied a snake in the grass, and he taught me how to slither out of things. The large owner lady often ties the neck scarf too snugly, and she forgets that I’m a creature who could suffocate easily, but I am quite the intellectual, and I have a certain talent for escaping such childish decorations.

Just a moment, I have an itch.

Rest assured that it’s not a flea, but rather, a result of frequent elite skin care and high-end shampooing. Know that I’m on an expensive, strict, monthly medication regimen, including dental stix, heartworm pills, and my specialized treats keep my small bladder and bowels consistent. Although recently, I admit that I had a taste of some rotisserie chicken, but now the pancreatitis is under control.

Perhaps we have met. I’ve seen many female humans in the hall and each time, I furiously wag my tail, and when they scratch my ears, I can’t help but lose control of my right leg, and the twitching is maddening. On special occasions, I see other female humans out in the yard. Each time, I feel that there is something ssspecial between us. If I were being honest, I’d say that I’d like to chase you across the sidewalks of the world; however, I promise, even if your anus smelled interesting, I would not ever harm you, although I’m quite the sssssavage hunter.

I will wait for you. Chasing is for those who are less evolved than I. Sometimes, a bark without the bite is sufficient.

Manners are extremely important, and I would only leap on top of your dinner table if you invited me there.

If it were my choice, and it rarely is, for I’m not a movie ssstar like Benji or Lassie (who I greatly respect), rather, I’m just an everyday mutt with an underbite, but if it were up to me, I’d be wearing a fedora. Numerous times, I’ve attempted to express to the large owner lady that I’m a classy dog, but she drinks too many Manhattans, and she doesn’t hear me. She talks to me, but she never listens. Often, that is the case with owners. Alas, it’s not entirely negative, however, living with her. We both enjoy gazing at the amusing characters on the television, and I don’t understand them, and I don’t think she does either, but it makes for a fine evening.

I admit that I’m rather fatigued from my extended morning walk. I’m somewhat lacking in the exercise area. Although, yesterday, I enjoyed eating part of a dead opossum. I think I might have known the fellow too, but once a wild creature is deceased, we in the kingdom realize a dead rodent is no more than a community buffet. Simply, I was outside, and I was supposed to be doing my business for my owner lady, who is always telling me to hurry up, but then I spied the fresh meat, and I couldn’t help myself. Chewed right on the mid-section, as well as the foot…and possibly an intestine. Now my breath is so offensive, I am desperately in need of one of those teeth-cleaning biscuitssss.

Don’t be alarmed.

The large owner lady will give me one around afternoon time, when she starts drinking. I enjoy the moments when she drinks, because she often forgets to be concerned for my welfare, and she feeds me twice. I admit that I’m not muscular, and I’m no Cujo, but I’m incredibly fast, and my small legs move with a speed akin to a cheetah.

Perhaps, if you’re free this weekend, we can enjoy a stroll through the square. Know that I’d never take you to the dog park. That is for the plebeian dogs, and I’m on a whole other level. I know we’re from different species, but with this letter, I am sssaying that some of you have the best tails I’ve ever seen.

I considered including my most recent photo; however, it did not show my best angle, and my teeth were protruding, and I admit I was ssssslightly constipated, so with all things considered, this letter must suffice to offer a fair representation of my loyal, true, patient perssssonality.

Name: MaxBowWowDownToYou

Age: 10

Gender: Neutered

Body Type: Long and lean in summer, a few extra pounds in winter, smooth fur, soft nose. My studded collar brings out the curves in my neck. Know that even with my dental issues, I rarely drool.

Eyes: Round, watery, googly, black.

Tattoos/piercings: No/that poodle from the bad yards tried to convince me that piercing the penis might be a new trend for mutts, but I don’t care how much I adored humping that curly-haired princess, some things are sssacred.

Interests: Yards, biscuits, fedoras, snacks, slow cats, the mail person, knocks on the door, my loud big owner lady, grooming days, and one day, I hope and dream the vet will fix my underbite, but for now, I accept who I am, all of me, and I am sssatisfied. I tend to urinate in the back yard, rather than the front. Although it is technically my territory, perhaps you could join me.

Looking for: I have always been one to reach for the higher goals, such as newspapers and pizzas on countertops. I suppose that is why I am only interested in female humans. I prefer those unconcerned with leashes. <3 <3 <3 😉 <3 <3 <3….jjjkklll,,,a.ah;lkehitel;awaankeatiela’lsovueakyeireouare?areiwoa; reiwo;sssswwww8543uiui. 😊 Sorry about that last sentence. My left, lesssss accurate paw accidentally struck the keys. In addition, I am in need of a toenail trim.

Last year, I enjoyed romantic walks with a dachshund, but she was a little lacking in the conversation area. And when I licked her, she tasted like cheap perfume, and it was a royal catastrophe. In conclusion, I prefer you and your strange skins, but I don’t feel that clothing is necessary.

Contact Info: Meet you around the time when the mail person comes.

I must leave you now. My owner wants me to go outside for a BM. And I have my eye on a certain robin redbreast. I find squirrels to be ssssomewhat anxiety-provoking, don’t you?

MaxBowWowDownToYou

-- C.A. MacConnell