Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Namaste. Inhale, count to ten, exhale. Engage your pelvic floor. Now, may your day be beautiful and full of joy and blessings. I hope that the universe is sending you everything your heart desires. Right now, as you read, close your eyes, inhale, and dig deep into your vagina or scrotum and feel your Kundalini power. Now, exhale.
I normally wouldn’t reach out to a dating site, but lately I have been talking to my current guru, and we both feel that the universe would bring me a partner if I were ready, but one of my earliest mentors in India suggested that I contact you, because sometimes life is about action and humility. Later, I meditated on the idea, and I asked the universe for a sign. I had a vision of a buffalo, and he spoke to me, and the voice was clear and true, in a tone similar to screaming harp seals, but it felt strong in my heart, and I also felt it in my rib area, and when this happens, I must listen.
I am newly divorced, and although I was in Rome eating pasta, then India studying meditation for a few years, then Bali exploring Tantric yoga, then passing on my traveling pants to my sisters, after a one-month fast, now I feel like it is time to redirect my attention to being human. It is hard to think of myself as human again since my enlightenment, but I feel that you and the site can help me become more grounded. Even in writing this letter, I feel that I am blending with your blood and cells, and that makes me feel closer to the person I wish to be. I feel your energy coursing within me, and it is restless, fiery, and complete. If no one told you yet today, I love you, no matter where you are on your journey, whether you are a missionary, an actor, or a serial killer. We are all as one.
Name: ILuvBingMeAndILuvU2!543
Age: 40
Status: Divorced
Gender: Female
Interested in: Men and Women
Interests: yoga, Whole Foods, expensive organic clothing, raw foods, smoothies, bare callused feet, pedicures, aromatherapy, chanting, fasting, enemas, making love, vitamins, herbs, tea, Kombucha, massages, sweating, feeling the stretch, allowing myself some time to rest, getting in touch with the breath, wiggling my fingers and toes, seeing auras, rarely blinking because I want to take it all in, speaking slowly and letting my words rise at the end of sentences for emphasis, occasional or daily alcohol and/or drug use to expand my consciousness, mud masks, reflexology, being upside down, wheat grass, partner yoga, aerial yoga, interpretive dance, playing multiple instruments at the same time, spreading my toes, curing chronic illness, mispronouncing Sanskrit, burning incense, rearranging the figurines on my altar, commenting on the weather and the seasons, wearing strange jewelry that makes noise and changes daily, having large blocks of time during the day between classes when I have no idea what to do, talking to plants, developing my lean mass, the sky, crying, and dirt.
Music: Dead Can Dance, MC Yoga, St. Germain, Nina Simone, Thievery Corporation, Professor Trance and the Energizers, Bob Marley, Ben Harper, and in a pinch, Krishna Das.
Occupation: yoga teacher, light therapy counselor, massage therapist, and energy healer
Looking for: I am looking for someone who does not mind loose stool every now and again. I shoot a lot of wheatgrass and partake in many enemas, and I wanted to be up front about who I am. I am also looking for someone who is extremely flexible and can preferably put the leg behind the head. I know yoga is not about what you can do…it’s about being true to your own body…but since I am cut, lean, and at a place in my practice where I concentrate on complex, nearly impossible positions, I feel spiritually drawn to the same. I do not look down on those who can’t do a handstand and all of the inversions and arm balances that I can do, but I do know they are still evolving, and I feel it is my calling as a teacher to mourn their inadequacies.
Kids: I would like to adopt three children from an orphanage. I do not mind if you have children, but I may have to maintain my personal space and boundaries with them until they learn to at least complete a modified primary series yoga practice.
Tattoos/Piercings: this has taught me acceptance: I have some Sanskrit words across my back that are supposed to read “Peace to all the world,” but later I found out that it really means, “I have ten cows, and you don’t.”
Religion: I have a picture of my guru that I worship, as well as numerous photos of Buddha, Jesus Christ, Ghandi, the Virgin Mary, and a small ivory figurine from Africa that appears to be a male tiger, as well as a deck of tarot cards, some runes, and a roller skate to remind me to keep on moving forward and don’t look back.
Body Type: 5’8”, 97.5 lbs, 98 lbs when I am on my moon time.
Eyes: clear blue, and over time, the bluer they become
Hair: Long, blonde dreadlocks
Know that I love you just the way you are, although if you would like to join me at the Gaiam outlet sale, we could find you some soft, organic clothing that would hug your body and let your skin breathe at the same time. I hope that we can get together and become unified and make love when the time is right. Thank you for reading my profile. I send you good energy and hold you in my heart for all eternity.
Contact info: My class schedule is on my Website, so feel free to purchase a one month or ten-year pass. First class is always free! Then after class, perhaps we can carry our yoga mats around the corner and have tea, and when you are not looking, I will hug you. If you act soon, we have a one-time special at the studio where you can get one month unlimited for only $40. It is the best deal in the city. It is not a requirement to join the studio to date me; however, it is highly suggested, as this is the best way we could get our mind waves in sync, and because it is the best deal in the city.
Om, shanti. Namaste.
Peace.
ILuvBingMeAndILuvU2!543
-- C.A. MacConnell
