Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:
Howdy! Well, it’s hog killin’ time out here on the farm, so I’m a little busy right now, workin’ sunup to sundown, but I thought I’d send you a pritty letter. I hope you get this sometime this month. I sent it by Pony Express, and I told that Billy Barkin to hurry on up, ’cause the letter was ’bout some girls, and he told me to go fetch some water and pour it on myself to cool myself down. I told him to cool hisself down, and then we had to fight like hell, but I came out of it with most of my teeth.
As far as killin’ dem pigs, my boys did a bang-up job. I wasn’t going to write at all, but my help went and said, “Quit beatin that devil around the stump and write those girls.” So I was goin’ to write right away, but then my sister, Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers, went and beefed two men in Lexington, so we had to visit her in the county jailhouse. She’s always gettin’ into trouble. And then Lil Wet Jack, my brother, went off on another bender, and I had to track him down at the Town Liquors, and when I found him, he had lost him another finger and found him another hussy.
There’s a barn dance this Saturday, so put on your best bib and tucker, cause we’re goin’ sweethearts, if you can fork over the five dollars. At the last dance, Momma and Pops had a blowup, and my cousin, Suzana Faith Charity, got knocked up we think. I told her the jig is up, that we know she’s been seein’ Harley Stevenson IV over outside the schoolhouse. I mean, lately she’s lookin’ like she’s gotta bump, and Momma would beat her, but we all think Harley’s a thoroughbred, so I guess it’ll be fine having another choice cut off the rack of lamb around. Lil Wet Jack, the deadbeat, ended up full as a tick at the saloon, and Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers had a fist fight with one of the Wilder girls, Tater Christine Lou. I’d like to cook me up that Tater, if you girls don’t decide to ride on out here. I figger one day, one of yous is gonna give in. But maybe don’t come this week, because I hear Tater just came down with the consumption.
I read that some of yous like candy. Bully for you! We have some rock candy down at the General Store, and I have a credit there for my hay and sweet feed, so we’d be all set for ya there. And sometimes, me and Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers make ice cream on Sundays, after the four-hour long church service down over in Midway.
Well, I have to go give my plow a thorough whippin’. So send me some messages and let me know when you’ll be coming out this way, and we’ll dicker over what we’d like to do, like go to this fandango barn dance. That’d be grand.
My apologies, misses. I told that Lil Wet Jack to set me up with the photo man, Jimmy Buck Ray, who’s also the sheriff out in Tuckerville, (he’s kind of offish if you ask me) but right then, my horse lost a shoe, and we had to call the blacksmith, which took three days, and by then Jimmy Buck Ray passed the buck, and he was on his way to track down some train robbers, so I lost my photo shooting time until they catch Bad Bart and the Beatty Gang ‘fore they hit the bank out in WestChestershire.
Name: YrYoungHungStallion65
Age: 30
Occupation: Farmer, Bull Rider, Mayor
Interests: barn dances, hangin’ around and getting’ half seas over, swimmin’ down at the swimmin’ hole in my birthday suit when it’s hot as a whorehouse on nickel night.
Activities: keeping the farm in apple pie order, makin’ a mash on the fine ladies, chewing tobacco, and watching motion pictures down in Centerville whenever they get one to come into town.
Looking for: Someone to ride the river with, someone to make the babies, the whole kit and kaboodle.
Body Type: Muscular
Tattoos/Piercings: I knows some of yous have some, and that seems like fine art, but we don’t do that kinda art down here, except Lil Jack does whittle wood, and he can really do the crafts.
Contact info: Weeell, I’m usually at the General Store on Saturdays, huntin’ down L’il Jack at the Saloon, or out on the plains, watching the sheep. Or, you find me at the Town Hall Meeting on Mondays, ’cause I’m the mayor, and then after we all usually go on out to Ol’ Riley’s place to tip cows, or we break into the Rodeo grounds to mess with the bulls.
Religion: I go to the sunset service on Saturday evenings down in Hootersville, and then the long one on Sundays over in Midway at the new church with that young preacher, Bobby Dean Williamson, who can really rile ‘em up and make yous feel like you just died and came back like in the revelation. I seen Bobby Dean bring a dead girl right back once. ‘Nuther time, he touched a baby’s forehead, and dat dere baby turned right into a 14-year old boy right den and dere, and so we den called that baby Big Boy, ’cause he was suddenly big, and he was real smart and when his parents gave him a silver dollar for his birthday, Big Boy went and started a restaurant ‘fore he was even 16. And I thought that if I don’t have to spend my hard-earned money on bailin’ out Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers, you and me could head on out to get some eats at that restaurant, ’cause dem steaks are good.
Pony up, girls! Harvest season is a-comin’, and we don’t want you to miss it. Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers, Tater, Lil Jack, Momma, Pops, and my ex-wife and cousin, Lucy Hornetschmidt, are all gonna be here at the farm to look you all over. If it gets to be too many visitors, we can always stay at the hotel in Matthisville, where the WestChestershire Band plays on the weekends. I know you ladies like music. But if yous don’t come, everybody’s gonna get together and spread rumors ’bout ya. Don’t worry, if Lil Jack starts shootin’ his mouth off, I’ll give him a black eye. Well, I gots to skedaddle, so I’m gonna wind up this letter and send it out to the Pony Express man and get on back to the ranch ‘fore the sun goes down.
I hope Sandy Norma Jean Suzie Snookers makes that beef stew for supper. I could eat a bear.
YrYoungHungStallion65
- C.A. MacConnell
- C.A. MacConnell
