DaManDaMutt12345

Letter from potential dater, DaManDaMutt12345, to the F'n Rad Dating Site

Dear F'n Rad Dating Site:

Whaddup bitches? While you’re gettin' busy reading this Shakespeare, you better watch your back, yo, ‘cause soon I’ll be cruisin’ up your driveway in my souped-up Hyundai, so be ready with your garage door open. I’ll teach you skateboarding or we could watch us some cable. I love me some Cops and Judge Judy and every now and then, I hit up the Food Channel just so I can learn how to make tuna noodle casseroles and mad pizzas for my girls. Hey, I got some coupons for that Newport fish joint, and if we both chip in, it’d be rad. I like that choice Tilapia. Dayum, that shit is gangster. Or the lake trout with some tartar special sauce, you feel me? Did I tell you I got dat neon piping on my ride. Sheeit, I am a beast.

I saw some girly pictures, and I wasn’t sure from da full bodies if anyone was stacked or not, but some of you fine ladies look pretty Marilyn Monroe. I’m okay with sisters bein’ flat. I’m joking about the titties, kittens. Don’t get all weird. Hey, I’ll write more tomorrow, I gotta run, yo, I have to meet up with that dick who Seattle Grinch hooked me up with so I can get this skull tat touched up. Motherfucker who gave me the first one was all liquored up, so it looks like fuckin’ Scooby Doo, but whatever. Nobody around here gives two shits about skin.

So here’s my Bio, in case you want to study that Funhouse. I usually like to get tanked and get online and say stupid shit, so look me up on da live chat, yo, we can get to know each other like family, cause I’m such a goddamn talker when I’m loaded, and I’ll tell you my whole life story like who I banged since day one. I don’t drink gasoline every night. I take Saturdays off, because a brother’s got to have some limitations. And relax, I cut out the pills last week, so if I’m still a little shaky, just forgettaboutit ‘cause I’m comin’ down. So hit me up whenever, yo. I’m pretty sane. I’ll show you some serious rectal abdominus. I am your prince fucking musketeer. Yo, this is so fucking stupid its sick and why the hell I'm here, I couldn't tell you, because I shoulda slipped down the sewer about a gazillion years back. Sorry to talk like the death machine, but I'm jonesing, so it comes with the territory.

Name: DaManDaMutt12345

Age: 20

Activities: Graffiti art, studying puke, skate tricks, selling whatever, coughing up loogies, holding babies, making presents, and hitting up the Newport AMC down on the levee, where I can get those big tubs of popcorn for free because my cuz works there. I got the mafia connections for you, so people spew out goods to me like I'm the President. I fucking love cookies. I really like to get me a spoon and dig into a roll of that cookie dough they make at Pillsbury. Or Jesus, how about that Creamy Deluxe icing shit? What the fuck is that made of, heaven? I could fucking ice skate on the top of that masterpiece and be happy forever and ever until I’m dead from drowning in the sugar fix. Okay, you get me. I’m all about bein’ real. Sometimes. Other times, if my ears hurt ‘cause I just stretched the motherfuckers. I can be a real prick.

Kids: Well, let's see, I got two girls here in town, one boy down in Kentucky, and then the twins live out in Goshen.

Occupation: Corner deals down by the market, performance artist specializing in multi-instruments, remixing da Phil Collins, one talented mother. I’m also into real estate.

Looking for: I’m lookin’ for a skinny chick with a good ass who can clean like a mofo. I don’t like whiny bitches, so if you’re whiny, go find another dog. I like drained pools, curbs, and watching warehouse fires tear some shit up. Or hows about that goddamn Animal Planet. I just watched a show on the penguins that made me cry my eyes out and shred a tuxedo.

I'm looking for my easy lover or a classy lady from the mansion. I am 6’0, 150 lbs, and mommy gave me nothing but bullshit all growing up, but I did get her kickass hair, so I’m a James Dean, you fucks. I need somebody to help me watch the kids every now and then, but you don’t have to be a momma, just a stand-in. If you have a car, that’d be great with my society, because mine’s over at the shop right now all tore up.

Religion: I ain’t no pussy.

Body type: Skinny as shit

Tattoos/Piercings: Yes/Yes all over the fuckin’ place, even my balls. A fuckin’ crime scene.

Hair: Brown, shaggy

Eyes: Piercing like Emerald City, all shiny and sometimes brown. My sister Norma, the fat girl, hooked me up with the choice contacts at the WalMart eye center, so now I can see. So, I’m coming, and get ready for your oil and lube.

Contact info: Hit me up on da live chat DaManDaMutt12345. I’m usually on there all night unless I have the kids, and then you can find me at the circus or over at the park where we’ll be having funtime on da monkey bars.

DaManDaMutt12345

-- C.A. MacConnell