DudeWheresMyHead1678

A letter from potential dater, DudeWheresMyHead1678, to the F’n Rad Dating Site:

Dear F’n Rad Dating Site:

Hi! Hi! Hi! OKAY, HERE WE GO, YOU READY? YOU READY FOR THIS?

You better be ready, baby fat wussy. That’s right, it’s time for you to get off your blimp butt and MOVE! TIME FOR YOU TO FEEL THE BURN! Life is pain, pussies! That’s why we’re alive, to sweat it out, to move it or lose it, you weak masses of cow dung (hang on, let me adjust my headset volume…okay, there we go) SO GET READY, because there’s no turning back now, Michelin Men and LardAss Women! You can get rid of that extra tire, and the spare too, if you just take that first step into the workout room. That’s all it takes -- one small effort, and then you’re on your way, you poor wimpy sacks of shit. Work it until you throw up or die! Or just throw up and then you won’t have to work it so much! Work it until you piss your pants and pop blood vessels in your eyes! One, two, three, four, stay with me!

Everyone can date ME, if you put your minds to it! That’s right, there’s a party in my PANTS and it’s reserved for YOU! We’ll start with crunches, lunges, and drinking straight flax seed oil. No sugar ever, Pillsbury Dough Boys, unless you are drinking highly caffeinated drinks which help your routine. I am so ready to PUMP YOU. Hi! Here we go, time to get your heart rate moving and do some reps with someone who knows his routine! And I mean every routine, all positions.

OK, settle down for the downhill. So glad you made it to view my profile. I just went to this seminar on building your trapezoids, and I can’t wait to meet you in the flesh and see your muscles. Right now, I’m hopping off the treadmill, feeling dizzy, pumping iron, doing squats, and drinking a protein shake. Later, I will do the master cleanse which involves not eating for a week except for cayenne pepper and only drinking lemon juice and then you take a bunch of laxatives and go get disemboweled by a colon expert and then you feel so energized all of a sudden you are like made of nothing but PURE LEAN MASS and well I’d tell you more but I have to move on to my Pilates and Yoga routine, which is three hours long, so I don’t need to do my strength and toning today because I teach kickboxing and boot camp at the gym later and that should take care of it don’t you think!?

Hi! Sorry if got a little wordy here. Just started back on the PyroxyCut and the steroids, so it’s making me a little runny as well as hyper, which is an interesting combo, but it’s worth it! Are you WORTH IT? Play hard or GO HOME! Here we go, you ready for this, or would you rather wear a tent? Do it all the way, just do it, do it until your heart pumps out of your chest and lands in some ancient Aztec dude’s hand so he doesn’t even have to cut it out of you! You’re a walking human sacrifice! (I just saw that on the Discovery Channel while I was on the stationary bike). Give it all! Feel the pain and keep going even when you’re in the grave! Even if it hurts, even if you need amputation or complex bypass surgery, it’s worth it. Don’t ever stop. Hi! I hope we can meet up, bust out a power walk, and then do some leg curls and push-ups at the park and maybe hit the movies for a rest before the Nia class at the Y. I’m not usually into that lightweight dance, but I need to stretch my calves, and after training for this marathon, I really need some of that gay action! Okay! Here we go! Let’s kill those fat rolls, flatten them with a steamroller or a rolling pin. Even better, take someone out with the kettle ball! Hi!

I know my delts need work. See, I can be sensitive. Hi! SCREW THE LIMITATIONS, LIFE IS ABOUT COMPETITION! Okay, it might seem like I might not be able to move my arms to kiss and hold any of you, but ever since I’ve been working on my downward dogs, now I can reach forward an inch and someday, I think we’ll get there. I won’t GIVE UP until I find that pleasure knob puncher you got hiding, YOU BET! Okay, I’d put pictures here, but my sponsors might drop my tight ass. Hit the gym, you wrinkled vaginas and limp dicks! Hi!

Name: DudeWheresMyHead1678

Occupation: construction, nude model, stripper

Gender: MALE

Interested in: Okay, here we go, I am looking for a workout partner/lover. We can combine the two, save time, work our inner thighs together in the sauna and still stick with our workout plan. That would be…Hi!…and then we could hit the energy bars and creatine, so let’s get this blood pumping party started!

Interests: lean meat, counting calories, whey shakes, protein bars, raw eggs, supplements, gyms, rec centers, karate, soccer, weight lifting, running, kickboxing, yoga, swimming, spinning, body competitions, football, tennis, wrestling, diet plans, barbells, basketball, hockey, nutrition stores, step aerobics, nia, strength and tone, ephedrine, bench presses, thunderstorms, long power walks, machines, tango, tanning beds, and Viagra. Hi! MORE!

Favorite TV shows: Grey’s Anatomy. I can cry too. Rock hard!

Children: I keep trying

Tattoos/Piercings: Yes/Yes, one of each, but I can’t seem to find them anymore.

Age: no answer

Hair: Long, brownish grey

Eyes: Hi!

Contact Info: I keep my pager stuffed in my bikini underpants at all times, which fills me out and also vibrates, which takes care of two problems. I’m very interested in saving time and energy and TAKING THINGS TO THE MAX! Okay, here we go. Thanks for coming out to check out my Bio!! I am so hard, you could drop a bowling ball on my chest and watch it bounce. I did it once, and then I did it again, because I forgot I did it the first time. YOU READY FOR THIS?

After you read this routine Bio, remember to stretch. Hi!

DudeWhere’sMyHead1678

-- C.A. MacConnell